THE DATING GAME

I hate dating.

Ok... before i get firmly entrenched in this polemic, may i interrupt myself to say that is is raining CATS and DOGS outside. And not just raining, there is plenty of lightning and thunder to go with it. I love a nice summer thunderstorm (sexy time weather) but its actually getting kind of scary at the moment. I'm counting the seconds between thunderclaps - and if my calculations are correct, the storm is within one mile. Of course i'm breaking all sort of conventions right now, i've got the TV on, i'm on my computer, and I'm looking out the window. Embracing my nihilistic side.

My great great grandmother would have strung me up by my toenails if she was privy to my madness. She was southern and totally old school. Thunderstorms? No lights, no radio, no talking. I kid you not. Oh yeah, close the windows, and pull the curtains. I remember visiting her house as a child, and a thunderstorm crept up out of nowhere. It was pure agony sitting in the tightly closed bungalow - everyone silent and the storm crackled around us. The heat was oppressive and I really thought i might die from asphyxiation. Brutal. And here I am some twenty years later breaking all the rules. I hope i don't regret this.

Oh snap. That lightning was really close just now. Hmm. But i'm on a roll. The blog must continue.

...If something should happen to me dear reader(s) remember this: "I could not love thee so much, had i not loved honor more." © Lovelace

So where was I?

Oh yes.

Dating.

I. Hate. It.

I hate it the same way i hate the job interview process. Job interviewing requires coming up with clever ways to "sell yourself" with the tradeoff being gainful employment. You're subjected to idiotic questioning: "why are you leaving your current job?" And though you really want to say "its because my supervisor sucks/my coworkers suck/the pay sucks" You have to be delicate and refined while feeding the interviewer articulate pablum such as "i wasn't being challenged" or "there wasn't room for growth" or "I need more responsibility" (responsibility?? are you kidding me? I just wanna be paid and go home!) Ok, I might be alone in the responsibility thing, some folks actually enjoy the moving ahead process. More power to them. I can take it or leave it. With accent on the leave. I'll willingly assume lots of responsibility working for myself. But as long as i'm tethered to the corporate machine, i'd prefer being as autonomous as possible. Oh, and still pay me the big bucks please. (I want much in return for very little.) Yes, you/me/we have to go through this, this abasement, sometimes more than once - multiple interviews for the same job - you mean you can decide if you want me in one sitting?, and then suffer the same questions by more smug interviewers(they already have jobs), who know they hold your livelihood in their hands. Just awful.

Its the same with dating. Its not quite as acrimonious in nature as a job interview, but an ordeal nonetheless. Its a more intimate interview process. Can this person get the keys to my heart? There's the whole getting to know you spiel that occurs over an awkward coffee/lunch/dinner with both parties "representatives" working overtime. The true personalities are kept at bay. Not fun. And if there isn't an immediate connection, there is the inner battle: "should i give him/her another shot?" Or "Maybe it was first date jitters that caused him/her to act like that." Will he call? Should i call first? Did he get my jokes? Ugh. I mean really. Are there sickos out there that actually enjoy this?

On top of everything, i'm dreadfully awkward, not particularly good at flirting (my sister swears i'm a flirt - i say i'm FRIENDLY - there is a difference thank you veddy much) i'm shy, bookish, and nerdy, in general - weird eccentric alternative. If you don't know me well, those particular aspects of my personality might be a bit of a turn off.

Its for all these reasons and more that i don't "date". And to clarify, i mean dating as in meeting people and getting to know them in order to pursue some kind of romantic relationship. You know, going to networking events for "urban professionals" (btw urban professionals give me the queasys) with the intent of casting a net upon the fertile waters and dragging something in. That's what i mean by date. I do not mean dating i.e. "yeah we're together." That is fine. I'm all for that kind of dating. Wait...did that make any sense at all? I just read that three times and i got confused.

All of my SOs have started off from the friendship standpoint. Very non-threatening. No ulterior motives, we're just cool. We hang out, we vibe... and before i know it i'm thinking about your stankin behind when i wake up in the morning. And guess what? You're thinking about mine. So simple. Segueing seamlessly from "single-ready-to-mingle" to dynamic duo. I prefer it that way. Let it happen nat-ur-a-lly.

Unfortunately not everyone agrees.

I feel like have become a pet project to some, and that bothers me. I do not do well when i feel like i'm a charity case. =( My age and my marital status has folks on a mission. My grandmother is fixated on this one guy for me - and like a pitbull, will not let go. I have girlfriends wanting to set me up (some who are as single as I am!) because they know someone who would be just perfect for me. "lexy i SWEAR!" They don't get my organic approach to matters of the heart. And the more i'm pushed, the more i dig in my heels. (i can be obstinate that way.)

The other day, a friend of my dad's said to me (he's a repeat offender by the way) - "Wow. I can't believe no one has snatched you up yet." Then it was followed by - "If you want, i know a young man..." Now because he is a family friend, thereby making him old, he was spared my wrath (and fists of fury lol) but still. My mom told me it was a compliment - and to take it in stride, but i can't lie. His comment made me self conscious. Old coot.

Do i have pitiful written in block letters on my forehead? "Can't get a date" written on a piece of paper stuck to my back? Why do they do me this way? © MJ

My homegirl tried to use reverse psychology on me. "If you're cool, then why are you protesting so much?" WTF? I only protest when its brought up! Its not like I sit around groaning about my alleged lack of a romantic lead. This is their broken record, not mine. If it seems as if you have touched a nerve, its because you have - but not for the reasons you think.

Koop - Summer Sun