HOW I GOT OVER

..it.

Yeah, im actually feeling like writing this friday afternoon.

So, i had a mini existential crisis the other day. Ok nothing as serious to be labeled a "crisis" but a definite moment of, shall we say, "piquant nihilism." And if you're wondering if nihilism can ever be piquant -- don't. ;-) If you follow me on twitter you probably were there for for my brief "moment" LOL. If you weren't, don't worry, no breaking down on the internets. I remain calm. © On twitter it was more of a comedic observation, but still, it touched a nerve. It started when i decided to revisit my HS yearbook and the accompanying life book/journal thingie that came with it. 150 dollars for a yearbook? I BETTER get some kind of ancillary volume with it. Hmph. Ok it was my mom footing the bill but still.

I digress.

The life book/journal was a way to document our dreams and aspirations, and in discussing the future - it asked the question "where do you see yourself in ten years?" I gave a long detailed answer -- the kind only a naive inexperienced seventeen year old would give. I was bursting with unbridled enthusiasm then, exceedingly optimistic, and the world was my oyster. My answer reflected that. Needless to say, i was way off what i thought i would be, and even though those were technically the meanderings of a child, the fact that very few of those goals were achieved kind of smarted.

So i started to think. Where did i go wrong? © jeff osborne/ltd Fundamentally, my values haven't changed. Im not all that much a different person from the one i was a few *cough* years ago. Bigger boobs, bigger butt, bigger debt, yes. Other than that? The same ol G.

*b-girl pose*

It boils down to decisions. Things like: Opening a bloomingdales credit card account at 19 (why???). Going to one school over another. Lettin that boy call me. A bunch of coulda woulda shouldas. Why didn't i do THIS instead of THAT? Or why couldn't i see that my mom was right about this? And that i would be salty about that? Its a case of hindsight being the only time everything makes sense, despite the wisdom and and cautionary tales of people around me. And thats the kicker.

We can only explain ourselves to ourselves. And sometimes even that comes with great difficulty.

No matter how right the world around us may be - our parents, friends, mentors, spiritual advisors -- the only time things make sense is when we can explain things to ourselves in terms WE understand. Unfortunately things generally only make sense after the fact. But that's life i suppose. You learn by living. But living is long, and time is so short.

And so i'd like to time travel...just to visit myself.

There is nothing exceptionally revelatory id like to disclose (ok maybe today's winning lottery number lol), rather it would be me teaching/learning myself many of of life's lessons before i had to experience them. I could explain to myself why my mom is correct about *that*, or why i should make a left turn instead of a right, how good skin starts with diet, and that mountain dew and a glazed doughnut do not make a good breakfast. Reach me in ways that no outside source could, not because the outside source was wrong, but simply because the outside source wasn't me. An existential cheat sheet if you will. Truths i know now, and could explain to myself -- thus avoiding some bumps and bruises along the way. I'd make myself understand that life is difficult, but living is easy.

What i've learned:

That beauty begins with the mind. Youre only as attractive as your mental state. You're only as independent as you allow others to be. You do get over heartbreak but it takes about two years longer than you thought. Songs you hate are the ones you unerringly learn the words to. Mountain Dew with high fructose corn syrup tastes better than the one with sugar. That admitting a failure is the first step to healing. That most things can be filed under two categories: Important and NON important. That most things we stress over fall into that latter category. That further subdivisions can be made, but remembering the initial header is the key to maintaining sanity. That worry does nothing but make you look old. That one day i'd actually appreciate the mass of curls on my head.

That people are people. Ethnic, national and cultural differences aside. We all want to be liked. We want to be unique... but we want to fit in. We crave attention. We want to be admired. We want to feel needed. We hate feeling insignificant and have a deep fear of rejection. How when we're embarrassed and confused we send out a thug representative to do battle for us. We're not really tough though. We pretend to be because vulnerability leaves us feeling, well, vulnerable. We want you to look beneath the surface. We want to be handled gently. We're hurting. We're self conscious. We want to be ourselves and not mind. We want to be ourselves and we want you to not mind either. We want to be "gotten." We want to be understood. We want to know that you have felt it too. We want to be left alone, but not left out. We hate when we are judged unfairly, we want you to see things from our point of view. We want to be forgiven.

That we may forget everything about a person (name, age... looks even) but we will forever remember how they treated us. How the inverse is equally true. How in essence, most of all, we want to be loved. Love is earth's most abundant yet under used resource. We want our parents to love us, our friends to love us. We want to be in love. We want to be in love so deep that we consider get the person's name tattooed on our body. (even though we don't. RIGHT?) We want to be loved for ourselves and in spite of ourselves. Its that simple.

So, armed with that knowledge, im not going to let a 10+ year outline for my life throw me for a loop. I have love, im giving love, and everything else will follow.

Its how i dont know what im talking about yet i still blog so that everyone else knows it too. lol. Its how life is not so bad at all, when you live it off the wall. :-)

Bilal - All that I Am