THE QUANDARY OF THE PRIVATE PERSON

I'm not sure when it began.

Maybe it was when i was just a wee bairn, hanging with my cousin. She was (and still is lol) a year my junior. At the time we were inseparable, we wanted to do everything together. She was my first bff. When i was around 7, I noticed that because she was the more gregarious engaging one, people paid more attention to her. They laughed at her jokes, and in general, were awestruck by her presence. (yes we were kids and yes "they" were adults.) I didn't mind being the "oh... she's so quiet!" one because i loved my cousin dearly. But i couldn't help feel the shadow that descended upon me whenever we were together, and in the presence of others.

Maybe it was in elementary school, where i noticed that my perceived shyness was not an asset, but a detriment, and being *just* a good student would never win any hearts. Being quiet and respectful doesn't get you chalkboard washing privileges. (i don't know about yall but washing the blackboard was like *that* back in the day)

Maybe it was when i hit puberty and the combination of my natural reticence coupled with the woes of hormonal changes wreaked havoc on me. I felt clumsy, looked clumsy, and my retiring personality retired even more. I shrank inside myself because i was uncomfortable being in the forefront of anything.

Maybe it was a combination of all three experiences.

Whenever it started, the fact remains that along the way i became an extremely private person. While i have grown beyond my shrinking violet stage, I still find it hard to share "myself" with most people. Initially I was being reactionary. My experiences as a child and young adult had led me to believe that unless you are outgoing and vivacious, people are not interested in what you say, think or feel. Its so very easy to tune out the quiet voice of the girl (or boy) in the corner. What attracts more attention, the rooster or the peacock? I was always the rooster. Er, uh hen. But eventually, what was once reactionary was hard wired in my psyche. I found it easier to work out problems - big or small - by myself. My ruminations were just that, mine. I was always a thinker, but now i was a rampant self-effacer.

As a direct cause of being not listened to - i became a listener. Advice was never my strong point, but what i lacked in practical counsel, i made up for in my ear, and mental time. I was a confidante. A role i didn't mind, I felt honored that my friends felt comfortable enough with me to talk about things. Not because I was nosy (well maybe a little, don't judge me!) but because I genuinely care(d). On a deeper level, I think I found solace in being the listening ear that I never had the pleasure of experiencing. And because i never was the gossipy type, they could rest assured that whatever was told to me would remain between us. (vault baby!) On my end there was something empowering (ugh did i just type that? lol) about providing that safe haven for the for the talker.

But something has gone awry. People have begun to (erroneously) assume that because I don't talk about myself much, that its really because there is nothing to talk about. The white-bread-vanilla-pudding-friend with nothing going on beyond the facade. Slowly surely i have been reduced from a confidante to a sounding board - an echo chamber for the thoughts and feelings of (some)friends. I've relegated to a passive role in the conversation, and once the talker is done emoting... well, wham, bam thank you ma'am. Oh i can't finish too?

In theory i shouldn't mind i suppose, because, well, i'd really rather NOT discuss my personal stuff. With most folks anyway. BUT (and this is a big ol booty) at the same time, i'd like to know that i'm more than just a receptacle for vents, and that people actually care about what is going on with me. (even though its hard to get it out.) I mean when the people i listen to outweigh the people who listen? Houston, we have a problem.

I understand its partially my "fault". I don't give up much, so I can't be (too) mad if folks think of that as the status quo.

I remember a friend of mine telling me that it seemed I had everything together. this was met with an O_O on my part, because I am a delicious mess most of the time. But anyway, if he thought that... maybe others do too? Like maybe when you ask me how i'm doing you really don't need to wait for the answer because the assumption is that i am always doing fine?

But it really hit me that some folks view me as no more than a vessel for venting when talking to my homegirl last night. Now, she's the type that is always is in the midst of a "situation". Every situation is pressing and full of daytime drama. Work, men, money... you name it. She puts the giiiirl in girlfriend. Well last night,we weren't really talking about anything of import and my heart was kind of heavy. It was one of those rare occasions I felt like sharing. I mean shoot. I got situations too.

I started to dish.

Funny thing happened. Within a few minutes (and some mmhmms uh huhs forreals?) the convo got turned back on her. And not because she was going to assist me by relaying a related story. No. She was talking about herself.

What's worse? I automatically assumed the position of therapist/listener - because that is what I always do. I had easily slipped into my defacto role.

Inside though, I was heated. Like pissed. The one time i decide to be candid and you are so self absorbed you don't even realize?? Lemme tell you. It takes a lot to get me mad, but when this sister gets hot... boy how she sizzles. (plus five if you source that one) A few times i tried to steer the conversation back, but she was like Safe lite glass ® and my thought pebbles just bounced off of her.

...

Brutal, brutal simile i know. Forgive me.

It called to mind when i was 14 years old. I had this terrible terrible crush, and the dude called me. His lead off to our conversation? "I was bored and i decided to call you..." Now i was 14 at the time and he was 16 and i was smitten beyond words so the fact that i was his last ditch effort from dying of boredom didn't really phase me. But looking back? I'm like WTF? That was some rude slimy isht. Almost as bad as you calling someone and they telling YOU that they are gonna "let you go". LOL. But yeah, at the time, I was just ecstatic that he called. Of course that wouldn't fly today - "take your boredom thattaway!" But the common thread between both these incidents is that in both, my feelings were taken as of little consequence.

Fortunately the conversation with my homegirl was cut short by another call i had to take. One that was much more fulfilling, might i add. But i felt unsettled for the rest of the night.

Am i that unremarkable?

Of course the answer is no. Not to get all cee-lo and his perfect imperfections on you, but really, all of us are remarkable and worthy. Deep down i know that. I mean its not even deep down. Its a trueism that my mother has instilled in me since day one. I refuse to let cavalier treatment of me effect my self worth.

But i'd be lying if i said it didn't hurt.

Stevie Wonder - Superwoman (where were you when i needed you)

NEVER CAN SAY GOODBYE

I'm at a loss for words.

One of my favorite Michael songs and vids. Simple and effective. Only he could give sequins such pizzazz.


As a friend said to me yesterday, "it's surreal." I am heartbroken. I had no idea i'd be hurt so deeply. MTV Jams was showing his videos this morning, and when man in the mirror came on, the tears that i had been choking back since yesterday evening, fell.

The irony is not lost on me that, in death, we can almost venerate a person who had become such an object of derision in his later years. I feel bad. It's a lot to bear, the weight of being a walking punchline. And no matter how out of touch he may have seemed, he was human. The words, public scorn, and endless mocking had to hurt. Not to be revisionist, because i certainly took my fair share of jabs. But i never ever stopped being a fan. A stan even.

I guess you never know what you've got til its gone.

Michael Jackson, the King of Pop. He was poked fun at for giving himself the label, but no one ever tried to take it away because it was true. He revolutionized the music industry, gave a fledgling art form - "the music video" -legs, without which MTV could not exist. Videos that didn't feature booty shaking, half nekkid women, illicit drug use, or well placed shots of luxury items. His fame rested solely on his talent, with non of the crutches so many artists rely upon today. He Inspired legions of entertainers, great and small, but none could do it quite like him. Honestly, i think that no one ever will.

I don't think i'd be exaggerating if i said they don't make them like that anymore. Even in passing he set another bar - he broke the internet! Traffic was at a snails pace yesterday because of the flurry of internet activity around the world. He provided a soundtrack for a generation - my generation. A consummate entertainer, and now, in his death, a legend.

The Jackson five - Never Can Say Goodbye (so much emotion in his voice!)

APROPOS

For how i'm feeling tonight.

Sometimes i turn on the news and its just like...

Yeah.

The above is a live performance of What's Going On/Whats happening brother from the "Save The Children" Concert held in Chicago in 1973. Directed by Stan Lathan(Sanaa Lathan's Father)

This song, as well as this production - is a work of art. Marvin recorded the album in 1971, and is relevant as it was then, its even more relevant today. (What's happening brother especially heavy)

If you have nine minutes, watch this video.

The incomparable James Jamerson on Bass (delivering one of the sweetest basslines EVER)

Eddie "Bongo" Brown on the Congas

Marvin on Piano.

Never has socially conscious introspection sounded so exquisite.

(also, i may have to learn how to play bass.)

"this pen smells really bad...is it too late for me to go to law school?"

the above quote is from an episode of seinfeld. Elaine is thoroughly sick of her job, and how everything, no matter how minor is worthy of an office celebration. "Get well soon" cakes? It was a humorous moment, just a small scene, and a not very a important one - but it stuck out in my mind because it tapped into the way i've been feeling lately. only in my head the dialogue is more like "what the heck am i doing here?"

My career choice was simple, I liked computers, i liked technology and i liked (the idea of) money. Put em all together and what do you get? Computer science! Why not? I had good grades and showed leanings in that area. I went for it.

Now i fear theres an icebox where my heart used to be(im so cold im so cold). Money is good, but money isnt everything. Monetarily, I do pretty well doing what i do, but i dont feel fulfilled. Is it unreasonable to want to feel fulfilled in your chosen vocation? Is that a pipe dream only to be found in movies and TV, but really has no application outside of hollywood? A lot of people are happy at what they do i know...but so many more people aren't. I feel like im asking too much to make money AND have a happy happy joy joy time doing it. But...i want that soooo bad.

I don't know. Sometimes i wish i had just gone into hardcore engineering like i wanted to...but my math skills are so weak, so i shied away from fields that were math heavy. Although this kinda backfired cause comp sci is no joke. And then my love of physics and astronomy often has me wishing i had just pursued that. But I was 18, and my concern was being able to graduate and make money and not be a typical college grad with a ton of loans working at McDonalds. I achieved that, so i cant complain. And the money has been a catalyst for me to experience a lot of things that perhaps i wouldnt have had i not had disposable income. One of the best perks being that ive been able to travel(been out of the country numerous times) But that doesnt dispell the feeling that something is missing.

When is it too late to change careers? I know a lot of people will say "its never too late!" and what not, but come on. At some point, you've got to lay in the bed you've made. You cant adjust the sheets and covers forever. I know im still young, and im definitely not locked into anything at this point. Ive got no kids and no spouse, which are the typical things that can hold a person back from just switching up horses in the middle of the stream. But i also have no desire to be the perennial sophomore, always in school because i refuse to make a decision and live with it. My family is full of people with master's and phd's and i was thinking that maybe if i had some more letters behind my name that would do it , but nah. While the idea of having a master's degree is quite appealing, i don't want one just to have one, i want one that actually means something.

I remember discussing this same topic with my ex and he'd be like;

"well what do you like to do? what do you love? take that and run with it"

My response would be a classic lex-ism;

"I don't know!"

I wasnt being funny or difficult, but i really didn't/don't know. My likes/loves run the gamut. And just when i think i've gotten them in order of importance, they switch up on me. One minute im a total history nerd, the next, I'm lil miss chemistry set, the next I'm an English teacher. Sometimes its fashion, sometimes its my love of all things gastronomic.

And there is this little thing with rejection. I don't like it. ( i know...who does?) But its more than not like it, im plain old not used to it. For the majority of my life, everything i've gotten is everything i've wanted. Not that i was spoiled in ANY way - because please, my parents were not having it - but in that events always turned out in such a way that i rarely had to face what is commonly called "the worst".

Por ejemplo: moving from seventh to from 8th grade, the school principal stressed the need to apply ourselves in our work, and do our best so that the we would accepted by the best high schools in the city. I put in average effort, excelled despite that fact, and applied to 3 of the top four High schools in the city. I was accepted at all three.

HS was the same, I got acceptance letters from every college that i wanted to attend. My first boyfriend was a guy i had set my eye upon at a formal dinner, and decided that i wanted. And despite a few setbacks (i'll leave out tales of a backstabbing cousin who made things a little bit difficult) we got together. I got my first job after my first interview.

And so on... Im not bragging or being um...supercilious, but the point is that the bumps and bruises that are accumulated just from experiencing "life" and its many facets - are very very faint on me. Mostly flesh wounds. And the idea of turning my comfy life upside down insearch of some sort of nebulous fulfillment, is more that my cowardly bones can take. :/


This blog is probably the manifestation of me having too much free time this weekend, and thinking just a little too much. Fortunately my next few weekends will be chock full for a while so i will have less to come up with these BS-introspective-bordering-on-emo entries. I hate when i mull. Mulling is bad for me.