SELECTIVE BOURGIE-NESS

As most of you have gleaned by this point(you being my two or three -generous i know - readers) i am somewhat of a snob. Now, now, before anyone begins judging me harshly, let me first give the disclaimer that i'm not a hardcore snob. For instance, i would never get offended if someone thought i lived below sunset(thats if i lived in cali) and i would never say with disdain: "do you KNOW who my father is???"

(i watched clueless the other day and now my cup runneth over with quotes)

The fact of the matter is, i'm too broke, too unconnected, and well, too mannered to put on those kinds of airs. Not to mention, yo soy muy amable. :)

My selective snobbery comes to play in little things, like judging folks by the way they hold their utensils. I had a coworker who held her fork, spoon, knife with a closed fist. YES. If you're picturing mikey from the life commercials, you're on the right track. Only I DIDN'T like it. Believe me, watching her use utensils was extremely distracting. It was like her motor skills never progressed beyond the age of five. Gross.

Speaking of motor skills...what about those people who hold their pens and pencils at the very point? I cannot stand that. It seems like it should make your hand cramp. Then its like how did you get through 12 years of school and four years of college AND NOT BE ABLE TO HOLD A WRITING INSTRUMENT CORRECTLY??

Yes, i'm a snob, i'm bourgie, i'm pedantic about those kinds of things. Hate me now.

So today, i happened upon a discussion today about buffets. It was during this discussion that i realized i don't feel the same way about a buffet that i do about say...Red Lobster. I'm way less pretentious. A buffet is not my first pick as far as dining is concerned, but i'll tear up the food from one in a minute.

Obviously red lobster has a few things going for it or else it would have gone out of business. There's the cheddar bay biscuits, the...the...the..cheddar bay biscuits, and um...well...ok. Let me stop. The seafood is tasty for what it is. Enjoyable comfort food in herman melville inspired decor. Well then whats the problem? I think its because red lobster is marketed as part of the upper echelon of chain restaurants, and its clearly not. I mean for what it is its decent, but there are so many other seafood places that have GOOD seafood at the same price.

In elem school, i'd hear about kids going to Red Lobster for birthdays and other special occasions. In those days my parents weren't hardly trying to take five kids out to a restaurant. We were more of a order in than dine-out bunch @ that time, so i never got to experience RL in all its mythical glory. By the time i reached HS red lobster had become the go to spot for all the hot dates. You know, 16 yr old shaniqua and her 22yr old(don't tell my mom!) boyfriend were going there for their 3 month anniversary. In my mind that Red Lobster was a classy dining establishment. Unfortunately, when i finally went - i was disappointed. I expected more.

At a buffet though, there is no pretense. You come to get all you can eat for a set price. This is not five star dining, its five stone dining (meaning you'll be approx five stone heavier when you leave) Good old honest overeating, and really who can be bourgie about that? I can't. Although i'd appreciate it if parents would curb their kids while dining. There's nothing worse than getting up to get another piece of baked chicken or more salad, and seeing some grubby kid with his(or her) nasty fingers all over the serving tongs. Running through the islands like they have no home training. Yuk.

Anyhoo, speaking of overeating, i also learned today that Golden Corral is a buffet! Who knew? I have passed signs for that restaurant so many times while driving on I-95 its not even funny. I never gave it a second thought. Of course i went straight to the website, and by the looks of their menu the next time i'm near one i will be smorgasbording.

And then its like, i LOVE cracker barrel. I will plan road trips by cracker barrel stops. While waiting to be seated i browse the country store, and during the winter months i'll request a seat in front of the fireplace so i can eat my country fried steak in front of a friendly flame. Asking for extra biscuits and cornbread. No shame in my game.

*blink*

Pretty much.

I don't get it either.

(P.S. As you probably noticed, i changed my layout, i wanted something even more minimal and clean. what do you guys think?)

LAY OFF ME I'M STARVING

- the inimitable Chris Farley

So its the time of year again, folks. The time of year when I go on a diet to combat all the damage i'm planning on doing because i'm in cook mode. Not only am i in cook mode, but since i'm a darn good one(cook that is) ...there is a chance that i may over eat. And gain weight. And have all my clothes fit me like sausage casing. One of the unfortunate side effects of being small in stature - any kind of excess poundage can definitely put one into heifer status. And im definitely anti-heifer. Well except for Elsie. She's the best heifer ever. Did you know she was married? I kid you not. Her husband was the bull featured on the bottles of Elmers glue.

*blink*

But yeah an extra 5 lbs that comes from enjoying my signature peach cobbler a little too much is not an option. Prevention is key.

Prevention in the form of:

10 oz of prevention

Yes guyths the tasty goodness ensconced in al-u-min-i-um can. Its filling and delicious too!

And if you believe that i've got a bridge that sell ya. Ever been to San Fran?

I started the slim fast thing this Monday and the truth of it is, i am ravenous. Normally, I wouldnt put myself through this kind of torture, but its not that i just want to prevent weight gain, i want to lose some. Quickly. I don't have the patience to lose weight with hard work and proper nutrition right now, so papa don't preach. Nothing worse than hearing some health nut rambling ad nauseum about the "value" of a well balanced meal. Health nuts. Well...i guess everybody got their something.

There is an event coming up in Nov that im attending - and i want to be at least 10lbs lighter. However right now, as I type, my tumz is making all sorts of awful noises, and i'd love more than anything to go downstairs and raid the fridge. But i won't. I think.

I did really well this past summer, but thats because i walked around half naked. JOKES. But seriously there is a lot more impetus to maintain weight and stay taught and lean - when one is showing more skin. Now that its fall, and i can cover up more, well, i kind of relax and get all soft wit it. Well NOT NO MORE.

I just wish i wasnt so hungry though.

Its funny how people always distract you from your goal by doing subversive things like "eating" and "snacking" as soon as they hear you are on a diet. Its like come on you skank, you werent that hungry before i told you i was trying to drop a few. Now you want to prance around my desk with bags of fritos and tastycakes like some kind of sustenance fairy. I don't want your rations HOE. Hungry people always want an ally. The type that as soon as you come into work in the morning they're asking you "whats for lunch?" Sending around emails and passing around menus. I mean really. Can i finish digesting my breakfast first? But i'll pontificate on that topic another time. Stay tuned.

But yeah, for the time being while im dieting, this blog may be full of vituperative, vehemence and undiluted hate.

Oh wait, thats normal for me.


As you were.


I'm going to retire(to bed) early and dream about fat things.