MICHAEL JACKSON WAS 25 WHEN THRILLER CAME OUT

What have you been doing??

I've been in an artistic rut lately. Perhaps the fact that i've never been particularly artistic in the first place is the problem.

That begs the question: WHY am i not artistic?

Two of my siblings are superb visual artists. My brother went to HS for Creative and Performing Arts, the philly counterpart of the FAME school.(home to Questlove, Amel Larrieux, Angela Nissel, Bilal and those dudes from Boyz II men) He did very well and went on to the Pennsylvania Academy of fine arts. My sister, the other artiste, went to a college prep school(and my alma mater GHS what!) but busted her butt taking art classes and received a scholarship to Moore College of Art and Design. Huge.

I have another brother(actually two, the other being the one who just graduated from HS),his strength is that he has an ear for music. With this capability he has carved a niche for himself in the glutted field of music production. At first he was just making beats(like everybody does) and then it was like...um dude?...you have real talent. He's been honing his craft ever since, and its starting to pay off. In fact, in some circles he's pretty well known. Okay, maybe not your circle, but we're working on it. I would drop his name, but you know, i'd really like to keep my worlds from colliding.

Then there are my parents. My mom is also skilled with the pen and pencil - she was heavily recruited in my elementary school days for drawing my report covers. We won't even discuss her brilliant mathematical mind, which has gotten me out a jam on many an occasion. I still don't see the point of doing proofs if my answer is correct. My dad is mechanically inclined and can fix anything with moving parts. I remember we had an assignment in fourth grade where we had to build a lever, and everyone bought in these rinky dink sorry excuses for a lever. Well my dad and i stayed up sunday night and built this fantasmagorical machine. Of course the next day I sonned everybody in science class. Yes, i was *that* student. The one you loved to hate. I wasn't a herb though. I never reminded the teacher when she forgot to give us homework. Now that was a student who deserved an atomic wedgie.

Outside of my immediate family, One grandma is nimble with the needle, she quilts and sews, my other grandma sings. Then i have an aunt who fronts a band...yes the list goes on. All this talent, and the fact that this is my pedigree, leaves me feeling dreadfully inadequate.

I'm a total left brain.(if you believe in that sort of thing.) Thinker, analyzer, quiet riot and all that jazz. Observer, obsessor, judger. I feeeeel. I don't create. Up until this point, it never really bothered me. In fact it never occurred to me to care one way or another. Not everyone is a matisse or a bourke-white or a gershwin. And that was ok, because we all have our different strengths. But now? Its kind of getting to me. I want to have a creative outlet. For once i'd like to apply minimal effort and still shine. But, while i appreciate all things right brained, its painfully obvious that my own right brain is nothing but a hollow shell. Sure, i took/play flute, and trumpet. All I have to show for that is unfailing lung capacity(ask anyone who has ever argued with me) and the ability to read sheet music(which is fading...:/) No prodigy here though. No one was ushering me to julliard, or some kind of conservatory in order to nurture my delicate genius. Im just your average "yeah i play an instrument" chick. Kinda like Alicia keys.(oh no she didn't!) Proficient. I'm somewhere in the meaty part of the curve, not falling behind, not showing off. But definitely, nothing to write home about.

I can't draw for nothing either. And please, spare me the "if you practice you will get better" line of thinking. My mother began drilling that into my head @ about the age of six. That's the age when i noticed i sucked and everyone else...didn't. I practiced and practiced, hoping one day i'd wake up with the hands of Norman Rockwell. Finally, at the age of 25, i gave up. What? Don't judge me! I was still drawing my girls the same way: a heart shape for the torso/waist which was connected to a triangle for a skirt. Two spindly vertical lines for legs. If i was feeling fancy, two inclined planes for shoes(high heels). What would you do? Thought so. It was time to let go. My pre-k cave drawings were not doing anything for anybody. I mean, i could market my rough and ready sketches as "folk" and bandy words like "quaint" and "ironic" around, but i don't think that would fly. Besides grandma moses got the primitive art segment on lock.

We won't even get into singing. Well...actually...im a decent singer. I mean i can hold a note, no voice crack-o. I have fairly good range as well, i be hitting some of those high notes that minnie does. la la la la la la lala-lala doowee ooowee oooh... However, i'm not confident enough in my natural ability to sing - for you. Or you. Even you. You know how some folks are just born with a larynx of gold? Yeah well i'm not one of them. And yes, i know artistic ability isn't confined to the realm of singing, writing and painting. These are just the most visible.

I don't know. Am i expecting too much? I think part of the issue is that i'd like for my talent to just jump out at me. Yeah, i'm lazy like that. I want it to go: "HELLO? YOO HOO! Talent over here!" Why should i have to search for it? Thats what makes talent so special, the fact that its readily apparent. Anyone can take a class. Not that i'm against taking classes. In fact i'm all for them. But - and bear with me as i'm having a tough time articulating myself - what about those skills that are innate? Am i completely lacking in them? I look at my family and friends and its like wow...thats dope.

It just feel so...talentless. Utterly lacking in artistic ability. And no, i'm not fishing for compliments so fall back. What is it i'm interested in? I keep asking myself. What do i like? The answer is: everything. I'm a patron of the arts but a master of none. I'm sure there is something in me that could be cultivated, but who knows what that something is? My interests are numerous and varied, but there is nothing that reaches out and grabs me. My right brain hasn't found its soulmate yet. I know its out there though...and that why this smarts so much.

For you talented artistic shmucks out there...how did you discover your niche? Was it serendipity or something else? Years of nurturing or automatic brilliance? Fill me in, i don't want to wait until i'm 90 to discover my calling.