THE TROUBLE WITH CHEESESTEAKS

Is that i can never figure out if it is one word or two.

So, this past weekend some friends were here from out of town.

We all got together on sunday to watch the eagles game( a game they lost), and as is par for the course in these kinds of settings, decided to order in some victuals for refreshment. A few cuisines were tossed around: chinese, italian(pizza), indian, japanese(sushi), but really, what everyone seemed to want was that indigenous entree so near and dear to the hearts of philadelphians, a cheesesteak.

I sighed inwardly. Why people? why?

Now before anyone goes thinking anything, let me clarify something. As philly's native daughter, I love cheesesteaks. i love them just as much as pat, jim, larry, geno, tony luke...whoever. I love that greasy artery clogging goodness that's so disgustingly delicious and you know you should stay away because it's no good for you, and your mind is telling you know even as your body is telling you yes...

Wait, what was i talking about again?

Oh yeah that's right.

For all of its allure, i can't forget what it is:

Beef and cheese...on a hoagie roll.

The cheesesteak is a simple food. Yummy, but simple. Blue collar food. Stick to your ribs(and waist and thighs and butt) food. And while the whole is definitely greater than the sum of its parts, its not all that.

Oh i feel like benedict arnold for even typing those words.

See, my problem is this. I have cheesesteak anxiety. Whenever people come in from out of town, they usually want to do three things that qualify as the authentic philly experience:

1. See the liberty bell.
2. Run up the steps of the Art Museum like Rocky
3. Eat a cheeseteak

The first two, while done to death, have a quaint charm for me. I love history so i never get tired of seeing the liberty bell, and i love schmaltz, so i have no problem standing on the art museum steps and yelling adrienne really loudly. Its part of the hokey adventure that is Alexis.

The third is what trips me up. The cheesesteak has been deified, crucified, lauded and belittled so much that its been built up into this entity, and has taken on a life of its own. People want to experience the "CHEESESTEAK" if for nothing else than to see what the fuss is all about, and that's what scares me. © indiana jones

How can meat and cheese on a roll compare to a person's imagination? I tell you, it cannot.

If you've grown up here, or at least have had a steady diet of cheesesteaks from infancy, you can appreciate the nuances that make a cheesesteak great as opposed to just good. There's the critical dirt to grease ratio, the meat to cheese ratio, the freshness of the roll quotient. All these things go into making a cheesesteak worth eating.

However, visitors - with visions of cheesesteaks dancing in their head, have none of this wisdom and experience. All they know is that they're in philadelphia, and in philadelphia we eat cheesesteaks. And being that we're "fat", and that cheesesteaks are philadelphia's claim to fame, they must be good.

So the out of towners wanted cheesesteaks. I feebly attempted to persuade them to have sushi:

"I know a really good place..."

But they would have none of that. Thinking on it, i guess sushi isn't much of a football type food( i really wanted some though).

Anyway, the steaks are ordered, they arrive and the lucullan spread is before us, smelling decadent. How can you resist that smell? My mouth waters, the earlier reluctance fading away. There is a chorus of sandwich papers unwrapping and everyone digs in.

With the exception of the tv, the room is silent for a few minutes as everyone is chewing and swallowing. My friend wipes his mouth with one of those cheap napkins that the takeout place sent that really are a disgrace to the word napkin, being that they are so thin and small that they really do more harm than help...

"what do yall think?"

Staggered responses:

"its...good"

"i like it"

"really tasty"

Hmm.

One dude said that he was enjoying it, but it would have been better if it had roasted peppers on it, like the one he had in TX.

I almost choked.

Roasted Peppers? While i have no doubt that that is probably a very tasty iteration, Roasted peppers are not de rigueur cheesesteak fixings. Cheesesteak is not gourmet food. Roasted peppers and au jus and wine reduction deglazes are not standard in cheesesteakery. Want veggies with your cheesesteak? get fried onions, hots and sweets. But roasted peppers? Is he kidding? And what is this Texas talk? He also was a dallas fan though, so that may explain the effrontery.

I winced. The responses were all positive, but - and perhaps i'm reading too much into this - they seemed a little, i don't know, dissapointed.

And that was my fear. These visitors had never had a cheesesteak before, and once they had one, i'm sure they were thinking - for all of its goodness - "this is it?"

The actual taste could not live up to the hype.

It reminds me of the whole brouhaha surrounding the movie Titanic. Everyone everywhere was talking about this movie, and how wonderful it was, how innovative the special effects were and how if you didn't see the movie you were a fascist of some sort. All my girlfriends were going to see it multiple times because it was sooooo romantic and sooooo sweeping and sooooo epic. I was like no thanks. I refused to see it just because it was hyped up so much. But after it swept the academy awards i said, hmm. Maybe i should see it and stop being such a curmudgeon.

So i asked my mom to rent it once it was release on tape(yes this was 97/98 after all) and we settled in on the sofa for some Grade A Movie Magic.

Well, i should have stuck to my guns because i thought the film to be a thoroughly overrated and bloated affair. It was just ok. While certainly not the worst movie i've ever seen, it was NOT all that. I probably would have enjoyed it more if it had not been hyped up so much.

So to with cheesesteaks. They're really good. Really really good. But, its beef and cheese on a hoagie roll. If you get one with the thought of a mind blowing, orgasmic, slap your momma, take me higher lord experience, don't be surprised when all you get it is, well...

a cheesesteak.