BLOGGING WITH THE EMERGENCY BRAKE

Those who can, write - those who can't, edit. - Anonymous.

Actually i'm the author of that aphoristic nightmare. But, there's a reason for my lame attempt at aesopry. For the past hour or so, i've been ruminating on why blogging has been so difficult as of late. There has to be a reason why i enter into a persistent vegetative state every time i come within one foot of the keyboard. Tonight I think i finally stumbled upon on the reason.

Well at least one of them.

Editing.

I have a big problem with editing. No, not the traditional slash and burn that has been the approach of publishing houses and red pen wielding professors, but editing in the form of self censor-ship. The knowledge that as soon as I hit publish all of my personal thoughts go public makes me scale back a great deal as far as content. Time and again i find myself emending my words. "Do I really want to put that out there?" Is what i ask myself. The answer is invariably: "Nah.." And so i snip snip here and chop chop there. The end result is this completely uninspired anemic blog.

What to share and what not? There is a fine line between being frank, and just talking too much. How to straddle that line by sharing and still having privacy? I don't know.

Candor is the backbone of any good journal. At least in my opinion. Candor is what made Anne Frank's diary so compelling, and its what make me come back to read certain blogs. The openness and sincerity. I love when i'm able to read about some fellow bloggers contretemps - relayed in a witty and candid manner, and find a piece of myself in there. Or, when someone has made insight and self discovery, and because they are able to articulate their thoughts and feelings, i learn something about myself. Unfortunately, as much as i appreciate those qualities in other blogs i can't seem to deliver the same kind of soul baring revelations. Even in the many private journals i've kept over the years (actual books) i found myself censoring what went in its pages. Going back and reading some of them, i can feel the restraint. Its difficult for me to express myself, even when i am the recipient of the expression. In the back of my mind there is always the thought..."what if someone else gets their hands on this? ...What will they think?" With a public blog there isn't an "if". Someone is going to read. Its the nature of the beast.

And so not much has changed. My inability (or, should i say reluctance?) to share has effectively sucked the life's blood out of this latest venture. My electronic journal. I choose to keep the meat and potatoes to myself, so when it comes time to write, i am left with nothing but fluff and filler, a weak framework to build any train of thought.

Not that i wanted this journal to be dedicated to my peculiar brand of pathos. My intent isn't to go Kafka on these internets. (not that i could even if i wanted to) I'm not full of deep dark secrets and the assorted paraphernalia that accompanies tortured souls. Nevertheless, some things will probably always remain in the "vault." Or even if i reveal them, it won't be in this forum. But, I mean, should it be so hard to share how _____ makes me _____ . Or when I ______ I ______. Oh and that ______ and ______ kind of ______. And did you know that __________ ?

This is what i'm talking about. I edit all ^that^ stuff out, and whats left to discuss? I'm left writing another entry on my hair woes, or my weight woes...or how i feel old...woes. Topics which really need to be sent out to pasture.

But, quoth the raven - nevermore. From this point forward i am declaring an emotional glasnost of sorts. Less editing, more sharing. And maybe I'll learn a little more about myself in the process. Ok, I probably won't but at least this thing will have a pulse again.


The Avalanches -Two Hearts in 3/4 Time (makes me feel like summer)