THINGS THAT ANNOY ME II

To get yall's weekend off to a good start :)

That piece of lint/dust that sticks to your broom.
You know how it is, you're sweeping up your floors, and as you gather the trash, your broom is gathering a hair ball. When its time to gather all the particles and put them on the dustpan for easy disposal, well you can't because there's a huge mound of dust embedded in the broom. You try to maneuver it out with your foot, and it still won't come out. Finally you have to bend over and pick it out manually, which means you have to touch the trash. NAST. If you say you have no idea what i'm talking about because your house is dust free, you're a liar. And may your house be infested with mites.

Food service people who won't shutup.
I didn't cook last night and didn't feel much like doing the mcdonalds thing so I made a trip to Wawa, and ordered a sandwich. Plus i needed to take money out the ATM. Well the good folx behind the counter would NOT BE QUIET. The WPM for these folks had to be guinness book of records worthy. One kid had a motor mouth supreme, and didn't stop talking the whole time. Do you know what that means? It means all of his spit atoms were just floating over all the lunchmeats, veggies, and sides. Gr0ss. Its not that i expect them to not talk ever(ok it would be nice if they could mime their thoughts) because sometimes they need to get clarification on an order, or perhaps have to ask a coworker to pass the mayo or whatever, but come on. Dude had the nerve to be kinda lispy too. Every time he opened his mouth, i swear i could see the germs falling out of it. The whole thing just seemed...unprofessional. And unsanitary. I mean there are still people walking around with tuberculosis. like its 1832. (i know this because my mom has two patients with it) My sandwich artist(wait...is that wawa or subway?) and his cronies were talking so hard that i had to look away, lest i lose my apetite. If folks must talk, then they need to wear doctor's masks. On the strength.

I ate my sandwich though.

People who don't try to pronounce your name correctly.
In general most people are lazy minded. Including yours truly. But one thing i've never allowed myself to be lazy about is the pronunciation of someones name. Depending on how you say it, it can show the ultimate dishonor or honor for a person. Which is why i can't stand when people look at a name with more than one or two syllables and just go "oh...i'll never get this, i 'll just call you ____ ok?" The blank is usually something their feeble mind can handle. Like ann, or joe. Terrible. I've even had that with my last name, which in my opinion is not hard at all to say. I had a coworker who could not get it wright, and eventually she was like: "you know what i mean".

No, I don't. Enlighten me.

Whats more vexing are people who have had their names butchered so badly that they don't even use them anymore, substituting some lackluster moniker which doesn't have the personality of their given name. This guy i know, he has a typical multisyllabic slavic name, but instead of giving it to me in full, it was "just call me Dan". No Dan. I am fully capable of repeating after you. Say it slowly, i'll repeat it, and we'll be good. Or write it down for me, perhaps i can sound it out. But don't do yourself a disservice by not expecting people to learn how to say your name. Its just gives folks more reason to not give you the courtesy of trying.

Sonic Commercials.
Not the hedgehog, but the fastfood joint. I am a sonic junkie, and unfortunately the only time i get my fix is when i head south of the mason-dixon. And yet, i see commercials for the establisment all of the time. Its like some cruel pavlovian joke. I mean if they're gonna have spots every ten minutes on the tv, then there should be some in the neighborhood. America's drive in. Yeah right. What a joke.

When you loan folks money, but they wanna pay you back...on their terms.
I know i know, neither a borrower or lender be...but dagnabbit its hard to say no. At least for me. But i've learned this, that when you loan money you MUST SET THE TERMS OF THE REPAYMENT. If you don't, well you're subject to whatever the debtor feels is plausible.

Watch out for these offenders:

The quarterback sneak(er): You loan so and so X amount of cash, and they never pay you back. Is it worth making a big deal of it? You figure no, and say forget it, i'll take it as a loss and K.I.M. Well one day, they call you and invite you to lunch. You go, have a nice time, and when the bill comes they insisted on picking up the tab. Once the food is paid for, and you're out of the restaurant they say: "Well, i guess don't owe you that money now. Have a great day!"

Jedi Mind Tricker: This is the person that says, "yeah I owe you 250 dollars, but remember that one time i lent you money for a soda, and gave you a dollar for the bus cuz all you had were big bills? Well i'll just subtract that from the amount i owe you." And oh yeah when i gave you a ride that one time you never gave me gas money so i'll take that off too..." Finally after subtracting numerous nickel and dime amts you've "borrowed" from them, they come to the conclusion that they really only owe you five dollars. However they only hand you four cuz that's all they have on them right now. You stand there, bills in your hand like:

"what the heck just happened here?"

The leaky faucet: This one actually pays you back in cash, but in such tiny amounts that you wonder if its worth it. A dollar here, 50 cents there(some time pennies), a five spot, and on a good day a 20. By the time they finish paying you back, you don't even remember what you loaned them. I think thats what they want.

The invisible man/woman: This probably speaks for itself. These are the people who drop off the face of the earth once a loan is made.

"Girl can you loan me 300 for my rent? I'm kinda short this month....i'll have it for you next week i SWEAR"

So you loan her the money, only to never hear from her again. When you call the cell, t goes straight to voicemail, emails are unanswered. For all intents and purposes, she no longer exists. Like night rider. Only for a less noble cause. And unless you decide to take on the role of a stalker...you'll never hear from him/her again.

YOU CAN DO SIDE BENDS OR SITUPS...

...but please don't lose that ______

Men be making all kinds of requests about what you need/don't need to lose -

"girl them ham hock thighs is why i can never go vegetarian!"
"aight lose some weight but if them hips go we gon fight"
"that roll of fat on your neck is like ambrosia"

- but do they realize how unpossible(yes UNpossible) it is to pick and choose the spots for your adipose tissue?

Cuz believe me if it were that easy i wouldn't be fretting with my figure now.*

Isolating muscle to work out yes. Deciding how your weight will be distributed is a whole nother story.

See, i've been doing the dieting/workout thing steady for about a month now, and i've lost a solid ten pounds which is a big YAY!

unfortunately, i think some of the weight has been pulled from my bust which is a big NAY! :-(

Its not so bad that i need to go down a cup size or anything, and they are still delightfully firm lol, but because i'm my primary feeler upper(ok only feeler upper), i notice any and all differences no matter how slight they may be.

And i noticed that they seemed a bit smaller.

It took me forever and a day to grow these babies, and i don't want them playing shrinky dink with my life just so i can fit into my size 2 skirts once more.

Really wtf is that all about? All this working out and i still have this layer of fat on my stomach that won't go away. Why would my bosom lose mass before my gut? This is so freaking annoying. I can feel the wall of muscle there, and yet the softness on top remains. Not sexy.

I've been told that belly thing is cute, but i really don't think so. Oh how i yearn for the flat stomach of beyonce...or amerie...or halle(pre pregnancy)

On the upside...i can button my shirts with no gaping so that works.

It makes me wonder how these video "vixens" can have such...deliberate proportions. Tig ol bitties, Itty bitty waist, and a big booty. Like how does that happen? And why didn't it happen to me?!?!?


*Don't get it twisted my figure is dope...im just trying to get it dope(r).

MIXED BAG

(c) Richie Havens.

I went on my myspace today for the first time in - what? Over a month?. I had a few notes, and there were a few bulletins but thats about it. I spent like an hour looking at other people's pages though. Myspace has a bog-like quality that can't be denied. The more you navigate and wiggle around, clicking on pictures of friends and friends of friends, the more deeply ensconced you become. Before you know it, you're drowning in its meaningless and muddy embrace. Its best just to stay still and float on the surface. Makes it easier to extricate yourself.

Hm. I think my whole myspace as quicksand metaphor got lost in the sauce but whatever.

Some folks have been trying to get me to do the Facebook thing and really, i don't think that i need that in my life right now. Myspace is addictive enough, facebook would just take me over the top. I mean i might...but i shouldn't.

Not to mention...i keep getting email updates for my friendster acct - which i can honestly say, I opened up - annnd haven't been back to my "page" since that day. In like 04.


In case you were suffering with lack of sleep for not knowing with Xtina's pregnant belly looked like, de-puff your eyes and name yourself rip van winkle as you'll be getting your slumber tonight. Marie Claire's january issue will have Mrs. Dirrrty as their covergirl, and she's graciously allowing us to see her in all of her fecund glory. I guess we're supposed to care.


Snoop Dogg once again proves why he is king with his latest offering; Sensual Seduction. It was filmed in 1979 and just released in 2008. Just kidding. He's a fool and everything, but all i can say is: "Where do i sign up?"

Snoop Dogg - Sensual Seduction Closed Captioned

AS A RULE MAN IS A FOOL...

When its hot he want it cool
When its cool he wants it hot
Always wanting what is not.

What is it called when you suddenly develop a desire for something that you had access to previously but now don't and its driving you crazy?

You know the malady. You throw "X"(x = item of your choice) away, with two hands even, and now that someone else has picked it up, brushed it off and made it shiny...never has it looked more alluring.

But you're so full of misguided pride, that you dare not ask for "X" back...because that would be stupid. And you would look stupid.

So...you go about your business, smiling on the outside but inwardly gnashing your teeth out of sheer frustration. You're not even sure you want it because of it. You just know you want it because you can't have it. And then you're irritated by the sudden reappearing of juvenile tendencies. Didn't you grow out of this?

Eventually you grab sinead o'connor's groundbreaking release and ponder the album title.

Smart woman that Sinead. You then realize that you are being a petty fool, and oh yeah this isn't even your CD, but you've had it so long its kinda yours by virtue of time passage, so its ok. Your conscience is appropriately mollified and you go to bed.

1.By the bye, this entry never was, and never will be about me.
2.Also, even if it was - it is sooo not what you think its about. AT. ALL.
3.Wait I don't even know if its what you think its about.
4.Ok give me a hint...what do you think its about?
5.Not that i'd know if you were right or wrong - because remember - this entry isn't about me.

WHEN CHILDHOOD CRUSHES ATTACK

Ok...I never was sweet on k-ci like that, but a LOT of chicks were(oooooh yeah!), and its heart rending(or rendering for the idiots) whats become of this man. He looks like a braised chicken bone w/dockers. I mean his face is BUSTED. All that mess he got into as a youth(and prolly still does now) has caught up with him and is clearly visible. Along with his vital organs. How much does he weigh? He's not thin anymore...he's like skinny. Crackhead skinny. Someone get this man a nutritional meal immediately. Does ensure come in crack rock sized chewables?

Ooh you feel so sexy so good ungghhhhh(DeVante's intro on Stay)

Once upon a time, i used to dream and wish and hope that DeVante would whisper those words in my ear. Its hard to believe it now, but at one point DeVante had the sex appeal and good looks that being in a boy band required. He has since thrown them all away and it saddens me. He was the hottie in Jodeci.Well him and Dalvin. He made my 14 year old heart swoon. Now he has those sooty lips, and basically looks beat. And used. Is that ash on his hands or leprosy? *sigh* Again, you can't party all the time and it not show up on your face. For someone with a resume of his caliber he should not be looking like he just stepped out of the spice mines of kessel(if you got that reference i love you.)

When I pictured the youngest in charge a little older...somehow i didn't quite picture this. Clearly he's not as hungry as k-ci, or as much of a stoner as DeVante - but his dashing boyish good looks have left him, leaving him almost homely looking. I can't see him in an amorous light anymore. He looks more ward cleaver than crooklyn dodger. And I didn't want to say it, but he looks like he's had one too many potato alligator soufflees.

Its not that i don't expect that people will change with age, but this is all types of wrong. The thing is these dudes aren't even OLD but they look like they've been living the hard life forreal.

WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SATED AND SATIATED?

the word nerd in me wants to know.

According to Bartlebydotcom:

Each takes with, but the meanings are a bit different: sated suggests simply “full, having had enough”; satiated can also imply “too full, having had too much.

Ok so each of these meanings apply to me, I am both full and too full. I had enough and too much. Don't you just love language??

A belch would be appropiate right now, but do to my ladylike virtues, I shall refrain. Wait...isn't a belch a sign of appreciation of a good meal in some cultures? Im thinking Asian or something?

Lets just say it is cuz im gonna pretend i'm in Asia right now...

*belch*

I gather that i'm probably the only loser posting in blog land on such a night, but I couldn't let myself sleep on such a full stomach. So i haphazarded a workout due to my overindulgence and am wide awake now that my exercise is a fait accompli.

So here i am; eructating, coming down from my adrenaline high, and surfing the net.

I am also suffering as the hapless victim of some sort of radioactive mosquito that managed to make it through the first frost. I have two bites already, and i'm bracing myself for more. Oh, what a night!

YOU SEE HOW PICKY I AM ABOUT MY SHOES...(AND THEY ONLY GO ON MY FEET)

Talking to my grandmom(et tu granny?) on the phone and what starts off a a lighthearted conversation turns into a quiz about my love life(or lack thereof).

"When you getting married Alexis?"

[inaudible sigh] "I don't know grandmom...eventually."

"are you in a relationship now?

"um..."

"Well you can't wait forever you know."

"I know."

"What about -"

"No. "

Have you talked to -"

"No."

"What about that nice looking young man with the fancy sports car -"

[laughter] "grandmom! that was 4 years ago and, no."

"I'm not trying to pressure you baby, I just want you to be happy"

"I know grandmom. And I am."

"You are?"

"um Yes...?" Well sheesh grandmom. You got me questioning my own happiness now lol.

And so it goes with well meaning grandparents, earnest family members, and nosey friends. Everybody wants to know:

"whats up with you and - "

Or, "why don't you just - "

My Dad's buddy: "You're too pretty to not be married"

ME: "Thanks?"

( I guess that was a compliment,but i mean what if i was ugly? it'd be understandable? Or that pretty girls *MUST* be attached?)

The thing is, while i am totally content with my current state, I do indeed expect to be married one day, with children even.(the magic 8 ball doesn't lie right?) However, I'm not in any rush to make one man mine. I've always been completely laid back when it came to relationships, and i see no need for change now.

Check back with me at 40. I may get desperate and be willing to sacrifice my pride for a sperm donor.

Now how to tell my grandmom that...

SHE'S A MANEATER...LITERALLY

so i stumble across this "interesting" concept for a movie while traversing these internets:

"The film tells the story of high school student Dawn (Jess Weixler) who works hard at suppressing her budding sexuality by being the local chastity group's most active participant. Her task is made even more difficult by her bad boy stepbrother Brad's (John Hensley) increasingly provocative behavior at home. A stranger to her own body, innocent Dawn discovers she has a toothed vagina when she becomes the object of violence. As she struggles to comprehend her anatomical uniqueness, Dawn experiences both the pitfalls and the power of being a living example of the vagina dentata myth."


Vagina Dentata???

I've never heard of the vagina dentata myth before this, and I wish I hadn't heard of it now. My memory is quite suggestive, and the thought of...you know, teeth down there is making me ill at ease. Creepy.

Not to mention the mental image that the plot synopsis has evoked has caused some kind of life changing brain contusion. I'm so not gonna see this. Being that I am a scaredy cat, and have a fertile imagination, and its best I sit those types of films out. "IT" Still has me shook. And that was like what 89? 90?

I mean i like to be scared...just not horrified/disturbed. This film is leaning more toward the disturbing side methinks. I mean if they actually show it...*shivers*

Anyway, if you decide to go see it, I'd like to know what you thought of it. Its billed as comedic horror, and apparently it was a darling at Sundance.

24 YEARS LATER

...and this album cover STILL weirds me out.

It was part of my dad's extensive record collection, and I would stare at it with equal parts horror and fascination. The dangling ear? The doggy biscuit? The cloud? What did it all mean? What COULD it all mean?

I think the disembodied ear freaked me out the most.

I guess the cover artist was attempting to do a dali-esque type of symbolism. Or something. Whatever his or her aim, it made no sense in my youthful mind. All i knew was that it gave me the creeps. For years i would avoid looking at it...it disturbed me that much. Only album cover that made me feel that way.

Wait lemme stop. There's that pigmeat markham LP.

That freaked me out too. But for different reasons. I'll tell that story another time perhaps.

I'M HAVING....CHEST PAINS(AND OTHER RANDOMNESS)

i think i needz one of deez :(

I think i burned my lower esophagus. I was eating some apple pie tonight, fresh out the oven, got a little too enthusiastic, didn't chew well enough, and swallowed what seemed like a whole slice of HOT APPLE. That mess burned.

No really, it burned.

Like, i sat there for a second, swallowing hard, thinking that if it went down my throat fast enough, instead of sitting there, the dizzying pain would cease. Instead, the apple piece kind of lodged in my throat, putting my gullet on sautee mode. I finally got a cold glass of water, and chugged that down, but too late. The damage was done. Mind you all of this happened in a matter of seconds, but those seconds sure did do some damage. I'm sure if i had slowed down, instead of eating like its my last day on this earth this wouldn't have happened.

Alas, Now I'm sitting here, and everytime i swallow it hurts in my chest. Of course being that kinda-sorta hypochondriac i am, I'm worried that i'm going to have scar tissue develop in my throat, and suffocate in my sleep. I'm going to have to slumber sitting straight up john merrick style.

***

I can't abide lameness. Not lames in the literal sense. I got nothing but love for them/you. And your bum leg. ;-) But lame in the sense, of making ill-conceived, unwise, stupid decisions. The older i get, the less tolerant I am, i find. Not that I haven't had some gross errors in judgement on my own -but sheesh. Its hard to sit by idly and watch someone do something that has the potential to be VERY dumb. And then if you say anything, its always misconstrued. Im all natalie imbruglia'd now - torn, if you don't get the reference -...except im not lying on the floor. I'm naked though.

Seriously...Its very hard to tell an adult that they might be making a rash decision, but sometimes you have to bite the bullet and do the hard thing. I don't know. I always come out looking like ms. negativity, so I'll shut up for now, and see how everything pans out. I just don't want to have to pick up the pieces.

***

I just bought two pairs of $$$ shoes online. I need to log off forreals.

***

The eagles won! twas not a pretty win, but a win nonetheless. The team is at .500 now. If we keep it up we just might be able to make the playoffs. *Cue Christopher Williams*

Speaking of football...HOW did washington LOSE????? I just knew they were going to beat dallas. I was hoping so hard that they would beat them. But no. Booooooo.


and LOL youtube is great:

A COMPELLING ARGUMENT

I know you come a long way, baby
But you don't need that heart of stone, no
You proved that you could do it, do it, baby
You could make it on your own

But you can't keep runnin' away from love
'Cause the first one let you down, no, no, no
And though others try to satisfy you, baby
With me true love can still be found
Love can still be found

(The second time around)
Ooh, the second time is so much better, baby
(The second time around)
And I'll make it better than the first time

You know I really love you
And I paid for my mistakes, yes, I did, girl
The more I try to hide my feelings, baby
This old heart gets in the way
And love won't let me wait

(The second time around)
Girl, with me it's better than the first time
(The second time around)
Let's do it one more time, say it again

Say it again
(The second time around)
All that I've been through
I'll do it again just as long as I'm with you
(The second time around)
Haaaaaa, the second time
Haaaa-uh

I'll make it so good to you, babe
I make it so good to you

Not like the first time
(Not like the first time)
Not like the first time
(Not like the first time)
Not like the first time
Talking 'bout the second time

Not like the first time
(Not like the first time)
Not like the first time
(Not like the first time)
Not like the first time
Talking 'bout the second time

You can't keep runnin' away from love
'Cause the first one let you down
And though others try to satisfy you, baby
With me true love can still be found

(The second time around)
I'm gonna keep you mine the second time, baby
(The second time around)
I'll know what to do
Just as long as I'm with you

(The second time around)
Do it one more time, say it again
The second time around

- Shalamar; Second Time Around

MY FIRST HOUSE PARTY

The year was 1992. I was 14 and had been invited to this house party(yes house party.)

My parents were cool on me going because the parents were going to be there, and there would be appropriate supervision(supervision? my parents were such squares GEEZ)

Daddy-O agrees to drop me off and as we approach the house, i hear the bass heavy thump of music, and my heart leaps into my throat. Can I change my mind? I'm not ready to do this. No, that would be stupid. I begged my parents to go, so i'd better just (wo)man up.

We pull up, i bid my farewells to my dad and walk up the front steps to the house. As i near the front door, i hear the voices of the kids rising up for the basement. Ugh i don't want to do this. There are a million bookstores i'd rather be in right now.

Anyways the father lets me in, and ushers me to the basement. I pass through the kitchen(cuz the kitchen leads to the basement) the smell of curry nearly overpowering me.(they were jamaican.) Walking down the narrow stairs, I enter the basement and see through the dim lighting that, per usual, the guys and girls are posted up against the wall, on opposite sides of the room. I don't really know anyone there so i kind of attach myself to a group of girls that seem amiable, and commenced to joining their buttressing of the basement walls.

There's no real DJ, just a hodgepodge of records and cds and a turntable on one wall, while a random kid doing a bad imitation of kid capri manages the ones and twos.

It kinda of goes on like this for a few minutes until the father of the house comes down the stairs.

"Why aren't you dancing?" He has a booming voice and thick accent(which i won't attempt to phoneticize here)

"Why the boys over there?" He tilts his head towards the gentlemen leaning on the wall.
"You afraid of these beautiful ladies?"

Walking over to the turnables he relieves young capri of his duties.

"I'll get you guys dancing."

He flips through the CD collection till he finds what he's looking for. Inserting the CD into the changer, he selects the track, and turns up the volume with a self satisfied smile.

"Crying moaning just can't wait till morning..."

*blink*

Why oh why did this man pick Mad Cobra's Flex(time to have sex) as the icebreaker song????

"Like a clock ticking on the wall..."

My face gets flush with embarrassment.

First of all WTF?

Second of all, I wouldn't listen to this song with my parents around. I also can't imagine my parent deciding to play it for my friends at a party.

Third of all WTF?

But he isn't my parent, and apparently the theme of the song does not concern him.

I can smell the post traumatic stress disorder coming.

As the beginning strains of the sensuous music kick in he walks over to each wall dragging the boys and girl from their respective spots, pairing them together to dance. He's getting close to where i am and i try to gauge if i have enough time to make a mad dash for the kitchen.(That curry suddenly sounds so good) But alas, there is nowhere to run(nowhere to hide).

Its my turn to get paired up.

Mr. P jerks me together with some random kid. I can't really see his face cuz its so dark, and he kind of fumbles his hands about my waist. We kind of do a slow shuffle step. The bassline comes in and i attempt to get on beat.

Well this is weird. I peer into the darkness, and realize some of the girls have lost their shyness and have begun...um...flexing. My dance partner appeared to be just as clumsy as i, so we don't attempt to do any thing of the sort. We just kind of ambled about in silence, waiting for the agony to be over. I still can't get over why he picked this song.

My dance partner decides to take a chance, and pulls me closer to him.

"what's your name" he yells in a whisper.

"alexis."

"you look nice alexis."

"you can see me?"

(I could/should have said thank you, but my social skills at that point were still in their embryonic stages. Don't hold it against me.)

"Kind of."

"oh."

This is dumb. I don't even like this song, and now i'm being forced to dance to it with a kid whose face i can't even see.

Emboldened by the darkness his hand travels lower, resting on the top of my booty. To the beat, i move his hand back up to my third vertebrae.

We dance in a buffalo stance for the remainder of the song. (Don't...you get fresh with me)

Finally, finally, the song ends and we separate.

The party continues on, fortunately without anymore bizarre choices from the man of the house.

HEY, ITS OK...

Glamour magazine has a self affirmation section called "Hey, Its ok" to soothe the nerves of their highly unstable, simpleminded readers. I enjoy it, it sometimes does drop little gems. And because "imitation is the most sincere form of flattery" I decided to do my own version of "hey, its ok" with my own time tested, tried and tru-isms. Just dropping Knowledge folks.

Hey Its OK...

To look in the mirror and like what you see.
What a novel idea! Modesty is a virtue, and some self deprecation may prevent us from being vain, but oftentimes we get so caught up in what we should change and what should be modified, that we forget to appreciate the beauty that we already possess. (was that a run on sentence? sometimes i get carried away with commas.) Be it mental, physical, spiritual, emotional. Life is so much sweeter when we quit picking ourselves apart. Also, its a whole lot more amusing and, dare i say, gratifying - when we make other people the victims of our emotional knives and forks.

To use your fingers to do simple mathematical calculations.
Yeah, I was in the supermarket the other day, and I used my hands to perform some addition. At first I was embarrassed, but then i was like, FUNK THAT. I use my hands for computation. AND??

To still get nervous when a parent calls your name.
At a family get together, my dad called me from my grandmom's kitchen: "Alexis!" And for a split second, I was 10 years old again, wondering what i did wrong, and what the consequences would be. But then I remembered i was 20something, with a rolling rock in hand. (what?? its what my grandmom drinks!) I said yes immediately, but sauntered into the kitchen as an acknowledgement of my adulthood.

...Okay, i double marched.

To find an evening at home more enjoyable than a night partying.
You don't make a home for yourself just to be out of it all the time. Besides all the money spent on buying up the bar and gaining entry into endless afterparties could be put to some other use. I'm not sure what, but anythings gotta be better than wasting ducats on a strobelite honey.
Nah...give me some krug, a fire in the fireplace, and a game of scrabble. Thats a REAL hootenanny.

To Read Zane*
If thats your pleasure, who am I to knock it? At one time Dickens was considered to be pandering and common.** Perhaps you're on to something.

If you get a little kick out of seeing him/her jealous.
You'll never admit it to him/her, but its a bit of an ego boost.

And the converse...

If you get the teensiest bit jealous of him/her.
We've all been there. Sometimes more than once. You think you're cool hand luke (lucia?) and then, BAM. The green eyed monster(courtney love? ack!) rears its head, and youre suddenly anxious of his/her exes and the chatty bartender. Just keep it to yourself and don't get psycho.

To use paper checks.
No, not a check card. A check. You know...those things that are used to make drafts on your checking account. I was at home depot buying some stuff for my house, and decided to pay with a check. I could have used credit, I could have used a debit card. But I decided to pay with a check. Well home girl looked at my check like i had pulled out drachmas. Its legal and tender ain't it? Hater.

If you've never read the classics.
I mean I have*** - but i've never heard of anyone dying because they haven't. Besides, as compelling as thackeray and shaw are, knowledge of them won't pay your bills. Well, unless you're an english professor.

To dial six numbers and hang up several times before letting the call go through.
Yeah we may talk tough, but at the end of the day we're all humans with nerves. And that first call can be a doosy. Sweaty palms. Flushed Face. Accelerated heartbeat. I know the first time i called out sick to my boss, i was-a-shakin in my boots. Just remember, your boss was once a peon like you, and feigned illness to call in sick to his/her superior. He knows what its like to wake up with a severe case of the druthers. So that means that while he can relate, he won't because he's a hater. Also, he only cares about the bottom line. So before its your bottom thats on the line, make sure your lie is good.

(What?...you thought i was talking about calling a chick/dude?? Wuss. If you're nervous about that just imagine your audience naked.)

To have a bad dream and still want your mommy.
This happened to me last night, and I wanted to call my mom, but ringing her in the middle of the night would have been ridiculous so i refrained. Instead I lay in the bed awake with the light on for about an hour until I felt safe enough to go back to sleep. I suppose thats something that most people never completely outgrow. I kinda like that.


* Actually its never ok. Put the book down now.

** An unverified statement. Made up to make Zane loyalists feel better.

*** I've read more than a little, but not quite a few.

HE MISSED IT?!?!?!

No real post here because I am watching the Indianapolis San Diego game.

I'm a colts fan.

Of course the Eagles come first - but thats a given.

I love the colts because my favorite uncle does(he's been a fan since they were in baltimore) And i was brought up to be a colts fan.

Anyway, they're playing tonight. Adam Vinatieri went for a field goal.

He missed it. 29 yards.

His second of the night.

WTF ADAM.

BOOO. (BTW i LOVE watching football with a man...he gets just as hype as I do.)

:(

Well at least the Eagles won.

...AND SOMETIMES I ANNOY PEOPLE

I like making people talk in their sleep. Like if you fall asleep around me, be careful - cuz i just may start conversating wit yo somnolent behind.

Case in Point:


Me: "Its late...i know you're tired. Why don't you just go to sleep?

Him: "Nah...i'm good. I'm awake"

Me: "You've been yawning non stop for the past ten minutes. Just go to sleep."

Him: "I told you I'm awake. *loud yawn* Besides, yawning *another yawn* doesn't signify that you're tired...you know why we yawn right?"

*Interrupting a possible 20min dissertation on yawning*

Me: [laughing], "I believe you. you're not tired."

Him: "Thank you."

Me: *sticking out tongue* "You're welcome."

We fall into silence...i'm flip through a magazine for a few minutes.

Me: "Oh yeah i remembered what i wanted to tell you..."

Him: "Bill Cosby."

Me: "huh?" What's Bill Cosby?"

Him: *unintelligible mumble* "...it should be two TVs"

LOL this dude is sound asleep. I knew he was sleepy. Why didn't he just admit it?? No matter. I try to coax a convo out of him.

Me: [Stifling laughter], "What about Bill Cosby and the TVs?"

Him: "I want to get a TV"

Me: Cautiously so to not disturb the delicate balance of slumber, "Why do you want to get a TV? What about Bill Cosby?

Him: "I think so"

Me: "Which one?"

He starts stirring and I realize he's waking up, so I try to get one last inane response...

Me: "You're gonna buy the TV when we go to great adventure right?"

Him: "yeah..." He's about to finish his thought(if you can call it that) When he pauses.

Uh oh. The jig is up!

Me: [Innocently], "You were saying...?"

Him: *Slight chuckle* "shutup."

Me: *dies laughing*

Him: "Shutup lex!"

Me: "But its so cuuuuute!"

Him: "I'm going to bed."

Me: "I told you to an hour ago!" *Laughs Harder*

SIX THINGS THAT ANNOY ME

PEOPLE.

There's no human being more overrated than a person. Really. The biggest threat to humanity is humans. Everytime I go out, I see people. I have to work with people. People under the stairs. People in your neighborhood. Everyday people. People Everyday. Barbra Streisand's People. People Magazine. And the worst? A Person with P.O.V. Yes folks, the dreaded disease hailed by an acronym.

Point. Of. View.

We rub shoulders with people with P.O.V everyday. Sometimes we don't know they have a P.O.V, and that ignorance is bliss. At other times however you are able to see that the P.O.V is in its advanced stages. A person with P.O.V isn't content to have the disease and suffer alone. No. They spread their dreaded P.O.V until everyone around them has their own version of the original. It self replicates and before you know it, everyone you come into contact with it has a P.O.V. Is there a cure? Sure. Its called silence. So simple...yet most refuse to practice such self control. It wouldnt be so bad if people weren't so annoying. But...they are.

I may marry a person, but i'm not gonna like it.


POTTED MEATS.

I see you spam eaters. And what I see disgusts me. What exactly is that stuff anyway? With a description like "meat product" its anybody's guess. For all we know its soylent green...and Soylent green is made of bullet casings and Charlton Heston's fatty deposits.


GRAND GESTURES.

We get it. You love her. She puts up with your bad credit, hammer toes, and your dirty apartment. She caters 2 U, and cares for you when you're sick. She pretends to like your mother. Basically she's the one person in 6 billion that can stand you. BIG WOOP. Does it really call for an elaborate proposal with fireworks, the goodyear blimp, and a trained gibbon? "But," you say to me..."she's crying. And she said yes!" WHATEVER. She's crying because you just did more damage to your credit with this charged extravagance(do you know what gibbons cost these days???) And because she was forced to say yes, lest she embarrass you in front of the witnesses to your gaudy spectacle. Take it from me, getting rid of the pit stained undershirt,(i don't care how "clean" it is) putting on clean socks say more than any jumbotron could. Do that, and you'll get a yes from the heart. BELIEVE ME.


DRAFT ANIMALS

These have got to be the some of the ugliest animals on earf. Donkeys? Mules? Percheron? DICK CHENEY? For every pound of strength they got two pounds of ugly. And thats the truth.


MILQUETOASTS

If you don't stand for anything, you'll fall for everything. You know why you'll fall? Because you have no spine. Think of all the invertebrates on the planet. from the amoeba to the snail, they make up over 3/4 of the earths animal species. So if you are wondering if you're a milquetoast...you probably are. And you annoy me.


JOSH HARTNETT

Need I elaborate? I'm not sure what annoys me more, his career...or the fact that he has one at all.

BRASS TACKS.

I won't pretend that I intend to stop living
I won't pretend I'm good at forgiving
But I can't hate you
Although I have tried
Mmmmm
I still really really love you
Love is stronger than pride
I still really really love you
Mmmmm

I won't pretend that I intend to stop living
I won't pretend I'm good at forgiving
But I can't hate you
Although I have tried
Mmmmm

I still really really love you
Love is stronger than pride
I still really really love you
Mm mm mm mm mm

Sitting here wasting my time
Would be like
Waiting for the sun to rise
It's all too clear things come and go
Sitting here waiting for you
Would be like waiting for winter
It's gonna be cold
There may even
Be snow

I still really really love you
Love is stronger than pride
I still really really love you
Love is stronger
I still really really love you
Love is stronger than pride

OMARION AND BOWWOW

I can't imagine any girl over the age of ten taking these dudes seriously.

Their stature alone is enough to send me into fits of laughter. What are they? 5'3?

I won't front though Touch by Omarion is still my jammy jam. *gratuitously chest pops*

Anyway this is newest release from the oompa loompas

oh yeah and can we kill the "air keyboard" playing?? I swear if i see one more video where the star does this...

Bow Wow & Omarion- Girlfriend