Britney spears taught me everything i need to know about love

self love that is.

Every time i feel like my life is about to go all james frey on me, that my dreams have crashed about me in shards, and that the downward spiral is indeed spiraling...downward, i just recall that there aren't pictures of my exposed dimply saggy bum on the internet. flix of my shorn cooch floating around as tabloid fodder, and that it hasn't been declared open season regarding the sordid details of failed past relationships.

cautionary tale personified

That is enough to make me feel warm and tingly inside.

I figure it this way, with celebuscandal© coming across the airwaves 24/7 the best thing to do is to learn from each and every celebrity misdeed, mistake, misstep, malfeasance....whatever.

"...like i told you sell crack.
Nah, hov did that so hopefully you won't have to go through that."

- Jigga the lion hearted

Jay did it for us.

Britney is doing the same.

Britney spears dated and married K. Fed so that I didn't have to. So that no other woman would either. She embarrasses herself and shames her mother EACH. AND. EVERY. DAY. so that my mom can walk outside with her head high. Its a tremendous display of selflessness. She rerecorded and butchered 'my prerogative' so that i would never ever perform that song again during karaoke. Only now do I understand how much it hurt other people.

Watching her is akin to recieving gardasil...for your mind.

One less.

Next: Mike Vick gives us all a lesson in animal kindness.

YOU CAN'T DENY IT

We’ve got it together darlin’, we’re ready for it
You see I’m smilin’
Hmm we’ve got the people talkin’, they know how we feel
And it’s no big deal

And we’re not playin’ games and we’re not playin’ lovers
We mean a lot more than that
Hear what I’m sayin’ boy, let go and be my joy
I have to love you

Chorus:
You can’t deny it baby, we drive each other crazy
You can’t deny it, no two people ever felt this way
You can’t deny it baby, we drive each other crazy
We’ve just got to let it out
Let it out
Let it out
Let it out

The more we’re with each other, it’s so exciting
And it’s getting stronger
The way you touch me darlin’, I’ve never been
Touched like that before

And we’re not playin’ games and we’re not playin’ lovers
We mean a lot more than that
You’re all I need my love, you’re there to push me on
I have to love you

Chorus

We can shout let it out
We can shout let it out
We can shout let it out
We can shout let it out

And we’re not playin’ games and we’re not playin’ lovers
We mean a lot more than that
Hear what I’m sayin’ boy, let go and be my joy
I have to love you

- Lisa Stansfield

Ivan Drago is smarter than us*

not dumb, just acts that way

ok, maybe not you, but he's more than likely smarter than I.

(I just made it a collective because i don't like being alone in dumbville)

Why did i just learn that Dolph Lundgren(Ivan Drago in Rocky) is actually brilliant?

I'm doing my normal wikipedia midday boredom surf, one thing leads to another, and i stumble upon Dolph Lundgren's wiki entry. Simple right? Shouldn't be no problems yes? Shouldn't be no mind blowing info or nothing n'est-ce pas?

WRONG.

Apparently Mr. Dolphie - who will be referred to from now on as Mr. Thinks He's So Smart or (MTHSS for short) - graduated from the Royal institute of Technology

Has his master's degree in Chemical Engineering from the University of Sydney (engineering yumm)

and was awarded a Fulbright scholarship(yes fulbright) to MIT(yes MIT)

(sidenote...i almost applied to MIT, but decided i didn't need that kind of ego damaging rejection in my life)

He also speaks five languages.

I've always held this truth to be self evident;

Celebrities(even d-listers) will never be as smart as me.**

Take that GEENA DAVIS
Take that Sharon Stone

Why? Because they are celebs thats why. Everyone knows celebs are stupid. And if they were smart, they would also rule the world. And if they ruled the world we would be subjected to all their dalliances and on-dits all the time on all major news networks. I would know more about Britney spears' last bikini wax than i would about the federal deficit. We couldn't have that could we?

Oh wait.

*blink*

But now...its like everything i once believed in and held as truth is now dying in the face of reality.

Of course, he is European - so there is a curve there, and having lots of book learnin's doesn't necessarily equate intelligence but...

dashitall! all my prevaricating isn't going to change a thing. He's smart, and thats all there is to it.

What's next? Kim Kardashian: Rhodes Scholar?

(if she's the total package i'll just off myself)



* Yes i know standard grammar calls for a we in my subject heading.

** Yes I know that the me should have been I.

This fool

My sis took this pic and sent it to me...i didn't know whether to laugh or cry so i did both. Especially the former.

Yes this is a man.

Yes he is wearing heels.

No, he is not Prince.

get it shawty

I got holla'd at today.

it was an interesting experience. since moving into the new crib i haven't had to deal with much overt holleration. I've gotten whistles from cars driving by but as far as talking goes? nothing. I'd forgotten what it was like.

Well not really, but you know what i mean.

At any rate i was bit surprised as i was walking up the front walk to hear:

D_____M! shorty...you fine. Can i talk to you for a sec?

The 2 dudes walking up the street decided to talk to me. Well at least one of them did. He was cute...ish. Obviously young though. Probably somewhere between 19-21. Both too young, and even if they weren't i wouldnt be interested.

Me: "uh...no thanks" *wry smile*

Him: "what, you got a man? You know he aint handlin that right."

me: "lol" (no i didn't really say lol...but i did laugh in my head) outwardly it was more like:

me: "... " "no really i'm good. thanks."

him: "ok...you still fine as f____k though."

And that was it, no protracted discussion, no him saving face by all of a sudden him calling me names, none of that.

Approach. Denial. Acceptance.

I'm embarrassed to say that it was kind of a let down that he took it in stride though. I was gearing myself up for a confrontation which never came.

I did feel prettier when i walked in the door. Nothing like being hollered at to give the ol ego a boost.


Welcome to the neighborhood. You're not really moved in until you've been approached to by a native.


And in honor of they young whippersnappers who made my early evening:

The great Lloyd A.K.A the cutest singing muppet EVAR

Porkchops and applesauce

would sure be good right about now.

porkchops and applesauce

once again it was another night of take out. Ugh.

Ask anyone who knows me relatively well, and they will tell you that the general consensus is that my eating habits are deplorable. For the last two weeks i've been on a take out/order in binge, and i know that that will do nothing to alter that perception.

Its really a shame because i've heard tell that i am pretty good cook. Not tooting my own horn or nothing, but i can really throw down when i wanna.

However, unless i'm entertaining or cooking for a special occasion, i can't bring myself to do it for myself.

Instead i've been filling my upper GI with viands the likes of which can only be found at the Chinese take out, Popeyes, subway, wendy's and mcdonalds. Not even good take out(for ex: boston market..which actually might be tomorrow's sup), just the fatty caloric stuff.

Im grossing myself out as i type.

After much deliberation tonight, it wound up being Chinese...again.

I wasn't that thrilled to eat, i just picked over my lo mein.

other than that the most exciting event of the evening was to newsboy cap or not newsboy cap

getting ready to walk out with out the cap:



thought better of it...looked like rain plus a bad hair day


voila! newsboy



a friend documented me in each incarnation

i wound up newsboying it up

Anyhow...

I think im in love with stephen hawking. He's brilliant and has a great sense of humor...i wonder if he'd be interested in a gal like me?

I was given this book as a gift:


and it reinforced just how wonderful i think he is.

Wait lemme check and see if he's married...

ok he's not married - at the moment. according to wikipedia, he filed for divorce(from his SECOND wife no less!) last year.

That means i do have a chance...



Ladies, he's MINE!

i've never seen "the departed"

i have never seen this movie

is that a bad thing?

from what i'm being told apparently i've missed one of THE great cinematic experiences of the past year...or 10

so under advisement, i bought the movie for tonights viewing pleasure

im hoping the person whom im watching can refrain themselves from talking through the movie

you know "yo...pay attention to this part" and whatnot

i hate that

i've avoided for this long because of all the hype surrounding it, but i've finally succumbed to peer pressure

THIS HAD BETTER BE GOOD

que sera sera

"The most hateful grief of all human griefs is this, to have knowledge of the truth but no power over the event."
-Herodotus


I worry too much.

Not only do I worry too much but 75 percent of the time its about things I have no control over.

How does that old proverb go?

"please lord give me the strength to change what I can and accept what I cannot"*

...or something like that. lol

sometimes old adages can be cheesy and corny, but this one has really touched me in a soft spot. folx that I really care about, shoot even those I know only on the surface are getting WAY too much of my of my mental energy, and hanging on to one too many of my heartstrings. its not even funny anymore. Actually it was never funny.

a friend of my grandmother's had a mild heart attack last week. Now my grandparents live in SC so my grandmom couldn't visit her friend. As a favor to my grandmom, and also because this lady has been knowing me almost since I was born...i visited her in the hospital. She was doing rather well considering the circumstances and I was relieved. She was able to go home two days later.

Well I just learned today that she was readmitted to the hospital with a fractured ribcage. they're not sure if she fell or not.

However the concern is that she is 78 yrs old, and perhaps she is no longer healthy enough to continue to live on her by herself. :(

My grandfather and grandmother live ALONE on 17 luxurious acres in SC.

They are 83 and 76 respectively.

Since hearing this news about my grandmom's friend I've begun worrying about my own grandparents. They are relatively healthy, but they ARE old.(it hurts to type that).

They basically live in the middle of nowhere, and my concern for their well being has increased fourfold.

if something happens to one of them who will be able to come to their assistance?(of the fam that is) their closest closest child lives 600 miles away.

My grandmom can't even drive.

And so I worry.

and it doesn't stop there:

the poor men in the utah mine disaster.
the victims of the earthquake in peru.
the ongoing strife in Iraq.
the soft housing market(all those vulture-like commercials about foreclosures depress me....although i guess you could say they are performing a necessary, if predatory community service)


I have become a worrying dervish and I hate it. (ok i'm whirling too)

its one thing care, and another to actively worry. what did Jesus say?

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Sage advice indeed. i really need to heed it. I am running myself ragged stressing about the situations of other people. Especially since there is nothing i can do about them.

I don't want to prematurely age myself, so as of this moment i am making a concerted effort to keep balanced.


* The way it really goes(thanks to google)

grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

Courage to change the things I can

and the Wisdom to know the difference.

ennui

i took mad pics with my phone today

people are ugly and need to be documented so we can winnow them out

i hate cam phones for that reason but i couldnt help it some of the outfits on some of these people are horrendous

coupled with the faces my god the faces

um i hope i don't get shot but i think im pretty covert

***

i have a gut that won't go away

he liked it but i never did and now that he's no longer in the picture im like wtf i can't be having all this excess avoirdupois its stifling my sexy

***

"are you half chinese?"

"no."

you sure?

"yes."

"well...i can tell you're mixed"

"ok"


***

how old is devin the dude?


***

remember the U.S.S.R? my MG(mentally gifted) teacher had me terrified of the soviets

now that i think of it was probably a weakened form of propaganda communists had a fifth grader shook


***

i just bought a 500gb desktop 2 mnths ago for my home office i have used about 100 gigs of space already wtf

****


i don't perm i get blow outs whatever even if i did i do me you do you my hair is not my cause


****

tape you....all night

just kiddin

...unless you gonna do it

(forreal it is a good song though)


***

being read to is sexy


***


my post before this one was crazy emo but i just needed to get that off my chest im better now

BUT

its still whatever yo

oh word?

this is what i get for refusing to be superficial

i should have taken it at face value but now the rose glasses are off and all i see is bullbits

CRAP

im mad that my feelings are hurt

but its time like this when i am reminded that i do indeed have feelings

feelings suck lol

and im not really laughing

you ever learn something that that makes you feel like you are going to throw up...but you still have to face people and NOT THROW UP?? Not throw up, even though the info is weighing on your mind heavily and no matter how much you try to distract yourself it stays there?

RIGHT THERE.

ugh. i just felt the bottom drop out of whatever it was that was heretofore not bottomless

im so freaking disturbed by this recent turn of events that i cant even articulate it properly

so yeah

oh word??

WORD?

word.

lightbulb moment

People should come with backstory databases.

you know just a brief synopsis of their history and everything thats gone into making them into the unique human being that they are up until this point.

im just saying, it would make my life a WHOLE lot easier

maybe they could carry them around on a clipboard, and before you deal with anyone you could be like "yo...lemme see your backstory"

then you can decide whether or not to continue on with this person

while we're at it folks should come with expiration dates too

you can look at it and be like "yo...this dude/chick is DONE"

like when a person has so much baggage and other crap that its near impossible to to get near them without experiencing some kind of suffering by osmosis

yeah...

Don't judge me but...

Sometimes the thought of being a stay at home mom/housewife is INCREDIBLY appealing.

I went shopping earlier today in suburban square which is a an outdoor shopping mall of sorts. Its filled with trendy and expensive boutiques...and the GAP (of course). Located on Pennsylvania's famed mainline, an area in the philadelphia suburbs filled with the richie rich, old money, waspy type. If you've seen the philadelphia story, watched thirtysomething(or so im told -i've never seen it) or read the preppy handbook...you know what i am talking about.

All the women that were out and about, had the understated look of wealth to them(none of that flashy nouveau riche stuff) And the contented, well rested visage that only comes from not having to suffer with the strains of a 9-5. Some of them had their children with them, being pushed in those expensive jogging strollers(you know the ones with three wheels) The others where in groups of two or three, laughing and being utterly chic and carefree.

I can't lie. I was kinda jealous. I mean here I am, trying to cram relaxation and necessities into a 48hour period, while they pretty much have the entire week to do whatever it is that needs to be done, with very little hustle and bustle.

And then I thought, why can't that be me?

I would willingly stay home, cook and clean, sit on the boards of some charities, pop out some good lookin babies(NATCH) if i could meet and marry a man who is willing to foot the bill. (ewww typing that seems some kinda triflin...BUT I'M SAYING THOUGH)

I feel like a traitor to my sex for even thinking this way, but then i rebel against it and think, WHY THE HECK NOT? I'm not lazy(ok maybe i am) but its just that I HATE HATE corporate america. I hate the game, i hate the people, and I hate the compensation. I make a pretty decent living, but its not nearly worth the hassle. And i doubt anything could be.

I'm kinda old school anyway(why do i feel ashamed? I blame the feminist revolution!) plus during my formative years my own mother stayed home so that kind of arrangement seems normal.

At the same time, i like the idea of making my own money, and spending it (c) chi ali. I don't NEED a man to pay my way. I just want him to. Oh Gloria please forgive me. :(

I just need to get my independent wealth on.

I've been trying to read a book for three 5 days and i can't get past page one of of chapter one

:|

whats happened to me? Back in the day, i could read a book a day just about... i kept my head in books. Now i'm just totally distracted...and its killing me a lil bit inside.

Perhaps its because its fiction. I haven't read anything that isn't non fictional in a while, so maybe because the particular piece of literature doesn't have an educational bent, i can't get into it.

So i'm still reading, just that the pleasure reading is not as pleasurable...

wait NON fiction is pleasurable, so maybe its my definition of pleasure thats changed

whatever.

*continues reading herodotus*

In other news, I offered the cable guy water yesterday!!

How good a customer am i? I felt fell of largesse as i did it too lol. It was hot and swampy outside and as soon as he entered the crib, i was like can i offer you some water? How cool is THAT?

In other, other news i also may have inadvertently flashed the same cable guy.

in other, other, other news, i won't discuss how i struggled with the spelling of inadvertent

:(

but back on topic i didn't realize it but my right boob had kinda loosed from my bra

meaning visible nipplage

so my blouse, which was demure but had a (tasteful) scoop neckline, possibly afforded him a view of my uncovered bosom

ugh.

i didn't realize it until after he left, i was sitting on my bed and looked down, and realized that if he had looked down my shirt at all, he probably saw.

i mean they are real and spectacular(c) seinfeld ...but i dont like the idea of giving a show without my knowledge.

i don't want it to be August

August is a bittersweet month of the year. When i was in school, the advent of August meant summer was pretty much over and school was just around the corner. (Even if i tried to forget the KMART circulars wouldn't let me)

So...with that knowledge i'd try to pack as much FUN! as i could in those waning days.

Now, as an adult, August just signifies the end of the summer. But i still get that same wistful feeling.

I know the official end isnt until sept 21, but lets be serious. September is basically a lame duck as far as months are concerned. Fall is pressing upon it and nipping on fall's heels is that creepy dude; old man winter.

August therefore becomes the last hurrah. ...and once again I feel the need to scramble and have lots of FUN!

ugh.