the above quote is from an episode of seinfeld. Elaine is thoroughly sick of her job, and how everything, no matter how minor is worthy of an office celebration. "Get well soon" cakes? It was a humorous moment, just a small scene, and a not very a important one - but it stuck out in my mind because it tapped into the way i've been feeling lately. only in my head the dialogue is more like "what the heck am i doing here?"
My career choice was simple, I liked computers, i liked technology and i liked (the idea of) money. Put em all together and what do you get? Computer science! Why not? I had good grades and showed leanings in that area. I went for it.
Now i fear theres an icebox where my heart used to be(im so cold im so cold). Money is good, but money isnt everything. Monetarily, I do pretty well doing what i do, but i dont feel fulfilled. Is it unreasonable to want to feel fulfilled in your chosen vocation? Is that a pipe dream only to be found in movies and TV, but really has no application outside of hollywood? A lot of people are happy at what they do i know...but so many more people aren't. I feel like im asking too much to make money AND have a happy happy joy joy time doing it. But...i want that soooo bad.
I don't know. Sometimes i wish i had just gone into hardcore engineering like i wanted to...but my math skills are so weak, so i shied away from fields that were math heavy. Although this kinda backfired cause comp sci is no joke. And then my love of physics and astronomy often has me wishing i had just pursued that. But I was 18, and my concern was being able to graduate and make money and not be a typical college grad with a ton of loans working at McDonalds. I achieved that, so i cant complain. And the money has been a catalyst for me to experience a lot of things that perhaps i wouldnt have had i not had disposable income. One of the best perks being that ive been able to travel(been out of the country numerous times) But that doesnt dispell the feeling that something is missing.
When is it too late to change careers? I know a lot of people will say "its never too late!" and what not, but come on. At some point, you've got to lay in the bed you've made. You cant adjust the sheets and covers forever. I know im still young, and im definitely not locked into anything at this point. Ive got no kids and no spouse, which are the typical things that can hold a person back from just switching up horses in the middle of the stream. But i also have no desire to be the perennial sophomore, always in school because i refuse to make a decision and live with it. My family is full of people with master's and phd's and i was thinking that maybe if i had some more letters behind my name that would do it , but nah. While the idea of having a master's degree is quite appealing, i don't want one just to have one, i want one that actually means something.
I remember discussing this same topic with my ex and he'd be like;
"well what do you like to do? what do you love? take that and run with it"
My response would be a classic lex-ism;
"I don't know!"
I wasnt being funny or difficult, but i really didn't/don't know. My likes/loves run the gamut. And just when i think i've gotten them in order of importance, they switch up on me. One minute im a total history nerd, the next, I'm lil miss chemistry set, the next I'm an English teacher. Sometimes its fashion, sometimes its my love of all things gastronomic.
And there is this little thing with rejection. I don't like it. ( i know...who does?) But its more than not like it, im plain old not used to it. For the majority of my life, everything i've gotten is everything i've wanted. Not that i was spoiled in ANY way - because please, my parents were not having it - but in that events always turned out in such a way that i rarely had to face what is commonly called "the worst".
Por ejemplo: moving from seventh to from 8th grade, the school principal stressed the need to apply ourselves in our work, and do our best so that the we would accepted by the best high schools in the city. I put in average effort, excelled despite that fact, and applied to 3 of the top four High schools in the city. I was accepted at all three.
HS was the same, I got acceptance letters from every college that i wanted to attend. My first boyfriend was a guy i had set my eye upon at a formal dinner, and decided that i wanted. And despite a few setbacks (i'll leave out tales of a backstabbing cousin who made things a little bit difficult) we got together. I got my first job after my first interview.
And so on... Im not bragging or being um...supercilious, but the point is that the bumps and bruises that are accumulated just from experiencing "life" and its many facets - are very very faint on me. Mostly flesh wounds. And the idea of turning my comfy life upside down insearch of some sort of nebulous fulfillment, is more that my cowardly bones can take. :/
This blog is probably the manifestation of me having too much free time this weekend, and thinking just a little too much. Fortunately my next few weekends will be chock full for a while so i will have less to come up with these BS-introspective-bordering-on-emo entries. I hate when i mull. Mulling is bad for me.
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