TOMORROW IS MAY 1ST RIGHT??

Then why does it feel like January 1st?

This weather is ridiculous. Lows tonight around 40? Ack! I'm in the house shivering. Earlier this evening I had a roaring fire going. And tonight im going to have layers of blankets on my bed. All of this when i'd rather be pulling out tank tops and skirts and sandals. Instead i'm still rocking tights and turtlenecks.

Its cruel i tell you.

Speaking of which, i really need to add more roughage to my diet. Fiber too. I'll spare yall the cruel and perhaps crude details.

I NEED AN INTERVENTION

I've become a cheese and cracker junkie.

My laying down floor in the kitchen required me to move some of the appliances away from their normal spots. Well in moving the fridge away from the wall, i discovered that i had a box of ritz on top of it. Let me clarify that. An UNopened box of ritz.Just chillin. Fresh as the day they left the nabisco plant.(ok maybe not that fresh.) Waiting to be consumed. By me. Your royal greediness. Now they hadn't been there that long(maybe a month or two) but because the box had fallen down, it was hidden from view.

Well now that i've discovered it, every day since sunday, i've been having a cracker and cheese extravaganza. In front of the TV. In front of the PC. While reading a book. I stop short at the bed, cuz i don't want crumbs on my sheets. Crunchin and munchin' like i dont know that a second on the lips is a lifetime on the hips. Like i don't know that all buttery crackery yummyness is not good for you. Like i don't gain five pounds by just looking at food. Despite all that knowledge though, i just.can't.stop. Right now, as i type, i'm indulging myself.

I know, i disgust me too.

Speaking of fatness -cuz when you're OD'ing on cheese and crackers thats where you're headed- i was told that i have kim kardashian booty.

Um...*glances at butt*...what? You're kidding right? My derriere in NO way resembles that thing she has hanging off her spine. Hers you can't miss, mine blends in with my surroundings lol.

I mean, we're both 5'3...brunettes...but thats where the similarities end.

And then, i'm not sure if that was supposed to be a compliment(the girl got junk!) or an insult(your butt looks genetically engineered - i.e. fake.) Either way, suddenly i feel the need to re-evaluate my life. And eating habits. But first let me finish these crackers.

I'LL THINK ABOUT THAT TOMORROW

- Scarlett O'Hara

In an effort to distract myself from all that is going wrong with my life, i decided to immerse myself in several projects...all at once.

So far the ruse is working, i've been too occupied with other things to let myself ruminate on whats weighing heavily on my mind. My goal is to prevent me from falling back into the morass that ive just now been able to get extricate myself.

Its working. Sorta.

My latest undertaking? Putting down a floor in the kitchen.

So i have hardwood in the kitchen right? Unfortunately, the former owners had a plumbing problem and instead of getting it fixed expeditiously, they let the sink leak and drip, which ultimately ruined the wood floor in that area. Flash forward to now, and you have me on my hands and knees laying down some wood laminate to shroud the ugly. Its coming along...ok.

My thing is, they need to stop selling these click and fasten floors like its so easy "a baby could do it in its sleep" cuz its not. I mean in theory its simple enough, but its still a job. A job that requires thought and planning. Two things that i was hoping i wouldn't have to rely upon when first attempting this. Unfortunately i have to use my brain. Foiled again. :/

Plus i gotta save the little grey matter i have left because im writing a business proposal. I know what you're thinking, cuz i've thought it too - "you? write a business plan? thats rich." Yes, it is quite rich, considering i've never written one before. But yeah, your girl is planning on going into business for herself(well with my sister actually) and while i wish i could just pull a samantha stephens and have the business up and running, no toiling required, that just ain't happening. So i gotta do the legwork first, and part of that legwork is writing this proposal/plan. Thank goodness it doesnt involve plies though cuz my quads are TIGHT.

So is it ok to wear white before memorial day now? Not that i follow the rules of fashion *that* hard - i completely ignore the whats in and what's out sections of my favorite magazines - but its something about not wearing white before memorial day, or after labor day thats so deeply ingrained in me. I kind of have a thing for convention. Or so i've been told.

But yeah, lately, i've been seeing pictures of the "stars" wearing white on their day to day jaunts(yes i read the rags. sue me.) and im looking at my calendar and thinking "did i miss the memo?" Im not hating it though, i've got some fire white jeans that i can't wait to take out of storage, and being able to wear them, without judgment, a few weeks earlier than usual will be nice. Not that i care what all the mini-vreelands think, but, you know.

My workouts are doing a body good, and now i think i'll reward myself with a piece of cornbread laced with peach preserves. That fact that its almost eleven doesn't bother me in the least. :/

GET ME OUT OF THIS STINKIN' FRESH AIR!

-Vicky (Parent Trap)


You would think that living in an area verdant with trees and other flora would be great right?

WRONG!

Why is it wrong you may ask? I'll tell you why. Bugs. I am deathly afraid of bugs.

This evening, around 6:00 i decide to go sit outside to enjoy the remaining hour of sunlight and feel its warmth upon my skin. So i head out on the front porch, tea in my left hand, book in my right, treo on my hip. As soon as i exit my house i'm greeted by a swarm(ok not really a swarm) of bees.

Now these are not your run-of-the-mill bees. They are these huge flying buzzing..things. In fact, they don't really fly. They just kind of hover from one area to another, which really freaks me out. Do yall know what i'm talking about? Have you seen them? They have large bodies and just kind of buzz about in mid air. I was told that they don't sting but, "how can i be sure?" © Young rascals

So anyway im greeted by one or two of them. I do my best not to freak, and press forward. Sitting in the rocker, i take a few sips of tea and open my book.

*buzzz*

The bees are back. This time with like three of their friends - ain't no fun if the homies can't have none -, and commence to doing a mating ritual right by left arm. I shriek and jump up. The book falls to the floor, tea splashes on my leg. Running to the other side of the porch I attempt to regain composure, (and dignity in the sight of any neighbors who may have witnessed my freakout) but the bees follow me. It must have been my tea stained leg. At this point i realize that my front porch has been commandeered by the deviant insects, and that its best that i go in the house, to save myself from further embarrassment(and any stinging). I hurriedly get my book and tea, and make a bee-line(ooh i made a funny) for the front door.

Successfully run off my front porch by some bugs, i feel like a fool. I stare out the screen door window longingly. The sun is beautiful and its so pretty out. Other than my aversion to wildlife, i love the outdoors. I like the flowers and the well manicured lawns, and i revel in feeling the sun upon my skin.

I decided to give it a go again, this time in my back yard.

I make it off the back steps with no problem. I position my folding chair in an area where i will get optimal sunshine, and open my book. Uninterrupted , i read contendedly for about five minutes, until i feel something on my leg. Looking down, i see an ant on my ankle. Normally, ants dont bother me, in fact i think theyre kind of cute. However, my defcon level is already @ a 4. I just survived a recent attack by sexually charged killer bees and im shellshocked. The ant is swatted off of me with the quickness. I try to get back to reading, but its a pointless pursuit. As the minutes wear on, flies buzz past, i see unrecognizable bugs hovering in the grass. My whole world has become infested with insects, and i can no longer focus on anything but the creepy crawlies that are lurking outdoors...waiting to get me.

Im mad @ myself for letting the animalia get to me. I want to be outside, and be at one with nature, but the bugs keep getting in the way. I feel so girly and gross screaming and dancing a jig when bugs fly past me, but its like i can't help it.

BLOGGING WITH A HEAVY HEART

Im not sure what the etiquette is on this, so i'll just get right to it.

One of my best friends committed suicide two weeks ago.

I haven't been blogging or doing much other than my day to day necessities because in all honesty, i've been too depressed.

When i first got the news, i laid in bed for three days...no work, i couldnt eat...it was terrible.

We were closer than close, thick as thieves and despite our bumping heads on occasion, i loved him dearly. And he loved me. He was one of the few that "got" me, and vice versa.

And im at a loss because this came out of nowhere and i feel like i was remiss as a friend for not seeing the signs. If there were any.

My friend was outgoing, funny, talented. He had a wife, a child. A good job. Not that any of these guarantees happiness, but - i didn't give me a clue that he was in so much turmoil.

I debated blogging this information because something about seeing it in writing makes it all too real. But then, i figured that if i wrote how i was feeling, that maybe it would prove cathartic. Im not sure if its working.

My best friend went missing april 2nd...didn't come home from work, his wife came home and found a note - they found him on the fifth. Apparently he had taken some pills. I don't know any other details, and i don't want to know. That was enough. Knowing more won't bring him back.

Im heartbroken.

Everything is reminding me of him, I still haven't logged on to instant messenger because his name is on my buddy list and i dont know if im emotionally ready to see it. All the texts he's sent me, i still have them, i don't have the heart to delete them. But i won't read them. It hurts too much. I don't know. I've never dealt with anything of this magnitude and im a mess.

Today was the first day in the past two weeks that i awakened and my first thought wasn't "______'s dead." I guess that something to be happy about.

Im making small improvements. But its hard, so hard.

Just...if you have friends or family, call them - tell them you love them. Even if you're mad. I hadn't talked to my friend in a month, and i'll never forgive myself for letting the pettiness get in the way of our relationship. I keep telling myself that he knew how i felt about him. He knew i loved him. But at the same time, there's that doubt.

Anyway, im sorry to bring this sadness here - but...i didn't know where else to put it. I try to keep it light and funny, but i haven't been feeling much of either lately.

At the same time, im looking for happiness, because i can't just wallow in sorrow. Slowly slowly...im getting better. I had a hearty laugh today, and i didn't feel guilty for enjoying humor. And then, my boy(who is like an older brother to me) called me, told me he loved me, and that if i need to talk just to call him. And that surprised the heck out of me. it gave me a feeling of warmth and appreciation.

Now im getting back into my groove, willing to do my usual routine again, blogging(and reading yalls blogs) going back to doing those things which i found fun and interesting.

But i needed to get this out first.

The pain hasn't gone away, but its more bearable.

Thank for reading this guys...

IN SPRING A YOUNG MANS FANCY LIGHTLY TURNS TO THOUGHTS OF LOVE

-Tennyson

Now that Jay and Beyonce are rumored to have wed, im bracing myself for a revolution. The legions of (male)fans who view jay with an almost religious fervor will spur on a "marriage movement". You know, the ones who wouldn't wear an oxford or a broadcloth until Shawn told them to button it up.

I'm completely expecting an onslaught of men willing to stand up and make honest women out of their girlfriends, common-laws, jump offs, woman-on-the-sides, baby moms, and bust it babes.(whatever that is.)

As jagged edge so eloquently put it: "we ain't getting no younger, we might as well do it." Don't those words just melt your heart?

By the way...just what is it that inspires a man to propose? Outside of deep abiding love i mean. Like when you've been with a woman for 8 years and she's possibly borne one or more of your snot-nosed progeny. Is it really the weather as lord alfred suggested? Or is it as Jagged Edge intimated...the clock is ticking and the sweet young things don't want you anymore? Could it be that you've come home one too many times late @ night, drunk, only to wake up and find the kitchen overflowing with dishes and a bathroom that stinks to high heaven? Are you thinking "wow...i could be married and have a wife who would keep my ratty apt/house/cardboard box clean"? Not that having a wife = housekeeper, but you know how men think. And yes i'm fully aware that i'm being completely sexist, but give me a break. Like you haven't made assumptions based on gender too.

But anyway, its spring and though you can't tell it from the temp...the human body knows. There's an excess of pheromones in the air, and its making every man a lothario. At least the ones i've had the pleasure of being around. Seriously, i dont know if its the new cologne i've been rocking - have you all smelled gucci by gucci yet? Omg its ambrosia for your nose. Wait...I hate ambrosia. Soggy marshmellows and maraschino cherries. Bound together in a pineapple juice suspension. Who decided that that would be a good thing to eat...together? Yuck. Everyone else seems to like it though, so i'll let the analogy stay.

So yeah, i don't know if its the new cologne, or just the excitement @ the change in season. Maybe its because i've been less ashy than usual. Whatever the reason, i've never been bombarded with male attention like this. I mean when i hit my peak in 2001 i chalked the newfound ability to attract men as a side effect of finally developing cleavage. But now whats the reason? My cleave is old news and the ninnies hang low. © erykah. (i fasten my bra @ my knees. don't laugh.) Its strange. Its not like im any different...im just as weird and goofy and socially awkward as ever, but suddenly its like attractive or something.

Normally, im quite slow on the uptake -my first boyfriend almost wasn't because his overtures were going completely over my head. But these recent advances are so blatant, i can't help but notice. Not that that makes them anymore welcome. Just more obvious. The question is why? I'd like to pretend its my irresistible personality and my drop dead good looks, but who am i kidding. On my best days im a troll, and i have as much personality as karl rove's hair. I mean really, that can't be his natural hair color. Its the same shade as his skin; putty.

And, just so you know, all that self deprecation was not a sneaky way of fishing. Nope. No fisheration in this blogerie. Just cold hard facts. O wait..maybe there is. Just a little. Ok sue me! Im ovulating and feeling all whack-a-mole-y right now. I need reassurance people.

I'm kidding.

Not really, but basically.

So yeah, its spring, Jay just got married and suddenly love doesn't look so corny. We'll see how long it lasts once summer hits its stride.

MY DREAM HOME

Accent on the word dream.

This is just one of the mansions that litter my neighborhood. I don't know if its a private home any longer(can you imagine what it costs to heat?), but i do know that its a spectacular piece of architecture.

(and its in philly! take that philly naysayers...we are more than cheesesteaks and losing teams)

When i do my daily constitutionals i make sure that my path will lead me to this particular home. I like to walk by in awe, gawking. Wondering what family once lived here among such grand appointments.

Sometimes it feels so frivolous to want something like this, when my own home is quite desirable in its own right. no brag-o. (ok maybe a little ;). But still, the allure is there. I'd love to own this piece of property. Perhaps one day. But, since i stay broke, i'm not holding my breath.

YOU'RE OLD, GET WITH IT, NUFF SAID.

don't have the blues, but it sure has me...

I'm officially not 18 anymore. I know, big news right? I haven't been 18 in...errr...uhh....lets say - @ least five years. Shoot i'm not even 21 anymore. None of this is revelatory, but the way my age is suddenly affecting me is. My body is betraying me in all sorts of small ways and as much as i don't want to admit it, its bothering me.

Back in the day, maybe as recently as last year - i used to be able to go entire days without eating. Not that this was/is a good thing, because i know it isn't - but in the event that I did miss my reg scheduled meals, it wasn't a problem. I mean there might be a few hunger pangs, but i could easily talk myself out of it, do what i had to do, go home and stuff myself like the greedy Von glutton i am.

No Mas.

Today was kind of hectic, i couldn't find anything quick for breakfast in the AM - so i just skipped it. The hours went on, i forgot i didn't eat...and around 1:30 i started feeling dizzy, lightheaded, like maybe i was about to pass out. Since Pharrell was nowhere in the vicinity, i immediately ruled out the vapors. With no object of lust around to make me weak in the knees, I resorted to plan b. I began diagnosing myself with all sorts of rare incurable diseases. (I'm a functioning hypochondriac. don't judge me.) My first worry was this was finally diabetes catching up with me, and for a second i almost really passed out because i started thinking about how i would have to inject myself with needles and take my blood sugar and buy a one-touch and omg wilfred brimley...

Ok thats enough of that.

So then i started reasoning lucidly, and thats when it occurred to me that i had not eaten ALL day, save for two cups of tea. Hardly the breakfast of champions. I'm sure losers ingest more than that. By this time it was about 3 and it would really be ridiculous to go and get lunch, when the day would be over soon. I scrounged around my area looking for something to snack on, and finally found an old bag of smartfood popcorn that i had had @ my desk for some untold number of months. I opened those babies and chucked a few down my throat. Now im sure it was all in my mind, but as soon as i swallowed a handful, i immediately felt my countenance returning. Everything was zesty again. Nevermind the bag had an expiration date of 1/28/08. Thats just for the retailers right? :(

Anyway, it just saddened me that i can no longer treat my body any old kind of way. Not that i did, but you know, it sucks to no longer have the option. And, i ask you, what is life without options? Like if i wanted to go on an all weekend bender - ha right -, but if i did, i'd probably die for the shock it'd bring to my poor arthritic bones. (i felt a creak this morning, so im assuming its some early onset rheumatism.)

And then, earlier this evening, for the better part of an hour, i couldn't find my treo. I remembered having it my hand...and then, well i had no idea what i did with it. I looked high and low for it, to no avail. Now you may be thinking, "why not just call the phone and save yourself some trouble?" I wanted to - but at the same time, i felt like that would be giving in to my failing memory and i did not want to concede defeat. Unfortunately, i became so frustrated that i gave in, and called myself. I won't even discuss how i struggled with my number. There the phone was, ringing its little battery powered heart out in the 2nd floor hallway. It was sitting on the shelf where i keep the bath towels and sundry. I do not recall putting it there, but i know i must have. Btw, what are the signs for alzheimers?

And then i got this burn last week, and though its scabbing up nicely, im wondering how long the skin underneath is going to have that pale, melty look. :(

So now, im all paranoid about the aging process. Checking for cellulite where it never was before(ok im still good in that area) looking for sagging in places where it shouldnt be sagging, checking for crows feet, obsessing over non-existent wrinkles. The other day i was plucking a stray eyebrow hair in the mirror, and i noticed that when i raise my eyebrows, there seems to be an extra line there. I may have to do a greer childers and get my facial exercise on. By the way, i bought her bodyflex product a few years back. I can't say whether it worked or not, because i only used it about 3 times. Her routine may have some validity but i felt ridiculous doing it. One day i'll blog about the "as seen on tv" section of my house. lol

But yeah what are the options for maintaining my youthful firmness? I don't want to wind up looking like otis nixon. Botox? Nah. i am not sticking any botulism in my face, i may wind up looking like lara flynn boyle. Have you seen her lately???

Getting older is a menace. Part of me is like embrace it, these are gonna be the sexiest/happiest years of your life. But, the other part of me is like, stop trying to sugar coat it. you're old - and its only going downhill. You know, the part thats all wrinkly. I'm kidding. I don't have wrinkles yet, although i had a scare last week. That was just and ill placed shadow though.

Death and Taxes. Taxes and Death. Oh and maybe a baby or two somwhere in the middle. And stretchmarks. Omg the stretchmarks...

Like, im fully aware of the more pressing issues of the day: darfur, mugabe, argentina, poisonous cane toads... and for the most part, i'm jesting when i complain. I know that on the scale of serious issues, mine are quite low on the totem.

but still its like yo,when i go to bed i start thinking and doggone if my thoughts don't get kind of for whom the bell tolls at times. All gloom and doom and whatnot. Who said growing up was easy?

I'm still sexy though.

don't have the blues, but it sure has me...

SO WHAT IS THE ORIGIN OF APRIL FOOLS ANYWAY

I went through the entire day being suspect of anything anybody did or said because i didn't want to be caught off guard by some two-bit comedian's warped sense of humor and get tangled in a web of intrigue and guile.

Ok that was a total run-on sentence. Sorry.

But yeah...everybody thinks their prank/joke/outright lie is funnier than everybody else's. So far there's been a few pregnancies, one separation, one divorce, layoffs(NOT A FUNNY JOKE) and some other crap that i can't remember right now. Thank goodness the day is at an end. The only thing i wanted to be an April Fools (fools'?) joke was my girlfriend's engagement, and, well, that isn't happening.