BLOGGING WITH A HEAVY HEART

Im not sure what the etiquette is on this, so i'll just get right to it.

One of my best friends committed suicide two weeks ago.

I haven't been blogging or doing much other than my day to day necessities because in all honesty, i've been too depressed.

When i first got the news, i laid in bed for three days...no work, i couldnt eat...it was terrible.

We were closer than close, thick as thieves and despite our bumping heads on occasion, i loved him dearly. And he loved me. He was one of the few that "got" me, and vice versa.

And im at a loss because this came out of nowhere and i feel like i was remiss as a friend for not seeing the signs. If there were any.

My friend was outgoing, funny, talented. He had a wife, a child. A good job. Not that any of these guarantees happiness, but - i didn't give me a clue that he was in so much turmoil.

I debated blogging this information because something about seeing it in writing makes it all too real. But then, i figured that if i wrote how i was feeling, that maybe it would prove cathartic. Im not sure if its working.

My best friend went missing april 2nd...didn't come home from work, his wife came home and found a note - they found him on the fifth. Apparently he had taken some pills. I don't know any other details, and i don't want to know. That was enough. Knowing more won't bring him back.

Im heartbroken.

Everything is reminding me of him, I still haven't logged on to instant messenger because his name is on my buddy list and i dont know if im emotionally ready to see it. All the texts he's sent me, i still have them, i don't have the heart to delete them. But i won't read them. It hurts too much. I don't know. I've never dealt with anything of this magnitude and im a mess.

Today was the first day in the past two weeks that i awakened and my first thought wasn't "______'s dead." I guess that something to be happy about.

Im making small improvements. But its hard, so hard.

Just...if you have friends or family, call them - tell them you love them. Even if you're mad. I hadn't talked to my friend in a month, and i'll never forgive myself for letting the pettiness get in the way of our relationship. I keep telling myself that he knew how i felt about him. He knew i loved him. But at the same time, there's that doubt.

Anyway, im sorry to bring this sadness here - but...i didn't know where else to put it. I try to keep it light and funny, but i haven't been feeling much of either lately.

At the same time, im looking for happiness, because i can't just wallow in sorrow. Slowly slowly...im getting better. I had a hearty laugh today, and i didn't feel guilty for enjoying humor. And then, my boy(who is like an older brother to me) called me, told me he loved me, and that if i need to talk just to call him. And that surprised the heck out of me. it gave me a feeling of warmth and appreciation.

Now im getting back into my groove, willing to do my usual routine again, blogging(and reading yalls blogs) going back to doing those things which i found fun and interesting.

But i needed to get this out first.

The pain hasn't gone away, but its more bearable.

Thank for reading this guys...