GET ME OUT OF THIS STINKIN' FRESH AIR!

-Vicky (Parent Trap)


You would think that living in an area verdant with trees and other flora would be great right?

WRONG!

Why is it wrong you may ask? I'll tell you why. Bugs. I am deathly afraid of bugs.

This evening, around 6:00 i decide to go sit outside to enjoy the remaining hour of sunlight and feel its warmth upon my skin. So i head out on the front porch, tea in my left hand, book in my right, treo on my hip. As soon as i exit my house i'm greeted by a swarm(ok not really a swarm) of bees.

Now these are not your run-of-the-mill bees. They are these huge flying buzzing..things. In fact, they don't really fly. They just kind of hover from one area to another, which really freaks me out. Do yall know what i'm talking about? Have you seen them? They have large bodies and just kind of buzz about in mid air. I was told that they don't sting but, "how can i be sure?" © Young rascals

So anyway im greeted by one or two of them. I do my best not to freak, and press forward. Sitting in the rocker, i take a few sips of tea and open my book.

*buzzz*

The bees are back. This time with like three of their friends - ain't no fun if the homies can't have none -, and commence to doing a mating ritual right by left arm. I shriek and jump up. The book falls to the floor, tea splashes on my leg. Running to the other side of the porch I attempt to regain composure, (and dignity in the sight of any neighbors who may have witnessed my freakout) but the bees follow me. It must have been my tea stained leg. At this point i realize that my front porch has been commandeered by the deviant insects, and that its best that i go in the house, to save myself from further embarrassment(and any stinging). I hurriedly get my book and tea, and make a bee-line(ooh i made a funny) for the front door.

Successfully run off my front porch by some bugs, i feel like a fool. I stare out the screen door window longingly. The sun is beautiful and its so pretty out. Other than my aversion to wildlife, i love the outdoors. I like the flowers and the well manicured lawns, and i revel in feeling the sun upon my skin.

I decided to give it a go again, this time in my back yard.

I make it off the back steps with no problem. I position my folding chair in an area where i will get optimal sunshine, and open my book. Uninterrupted , i read contendedly for about five minutes, until i feel something on my leg. Looking down, i see an ant on my ankle. Normally, ants dont bother me, in fact i think theyre kind of cute. However, my defcon level is already @ a 4. I just survived a recent attack by sexually charged killer bees and im shellshocked. The ant is swatted off of me with the quickness. I try to get back to reading, but its a pointless pursuit. As the minutes wear on, flies buzz past, i see unrecognizable bugs hovering in the grass. My whole world has become infested with insects, and i can no longer focus on anything but the creepy crawlies that are lurking outdoors...waiting to get me.

Im mad @ myself for letting the animalia get to me. I want to be outside, and be at one with nature, but the bugs keep getting in the way. I feel so girly and gross screaming and dancing a jig when bugs fly past me, but its like i can't help it.