CUPID STRIKES AGAIN

PART I

One of the most exasperating things about being single is the assumption (right or wrong) that your(my) singleness is an indication of (un)happiness. What makes it so bad is that in some cases there is truth(iness) to the theory, making it all the more difficult for those who are content with their situation to defend their status. You either come off as pitiful, or protesting too much, neither outcome a desirable one.

My girlfriend K called me up earlier this evening with something up her sleeve.

"Hey girl!" She exclaimed when i answered the phone.

"Hey!" I said back, surprised. While i can confidently say she is one of my closest friends, we don't talk all that much. She's over in Jersey (aka no man's land) and while only a bridge, a toll, and three jughandles away, at times that distance seems like an impossible feat. Making our lives intersect is a rare occurrence, so we content ourselves by shooting each other texts and emails as evidence of our mutual affection. Lame i know, but such is life. (Moral of the story? Don't move to Jersey.)

We play catch up for a minute when she gets to the point of her call.

"What you doing this weekend?"

"Oh...a little of X and Y...maybe some Z if i feel like it. Why? whats up?"

"You should come over."

And then:

"I want you to meet someone."

And there folks, is the rub. I could tell she was up to something by the tenor of our conversation, but i couldn't pinpoint what it was. All i knew was that our discussion of bodily functions and reality TV didn't seem to be holding her attention like it normally does.

I sighed inaudibly.

"meet someone?"

"Yeah girl, remember that pool party a few weeks ago? Well i met someone that i think would be perfect for you."

*record scratch*

Before i continue with the rest of our conversation, let me unleash another one of my pet peeves. Why is it that when perfectly single folks meet other perfectly single folks, it never occurs to them to make a love connection for themselves? Its always an unsuspecting friend that is victim to the well-meaning, but often fumbling attempts at match making.

"Perfect for me?" I laugh. "Girl...what about you?"

K is just as "single" as i am.

She laughs with me.

"He ain't really my type but girl we was talking and he was all hype about star wars..."

Star Wars? Ok...i'll give her that. BUT - and its a big but - what did she mean he's not really "her type?" She said it so dismissively too. We are quite different personality wise, but type or not, what is it about this guy that doesn't suit her, but she figures would be "perfect" for me?

I'm wary.

"um.." I say. Star Wars or not, this will be a hard sell.

"Lex, i promise, i wouldn't lie to you! Just a few folks over my house for dinner. You can meet him. I told him about you and he wants to meet you."

Oh see.

I hate to reveal this to you guys - for fear of ruining the image of perfection i surely have evoked in your minds - but i can be extremely obtuse. For no other reason than just because i can. I went from zero to 180 degrees when she said that. Not only does she want me to meet him, but she told him about me already? What part of the game is that? I'm ready to say "no thanks" on principle.

But this is my girl. I must be gentle. No use in hurting feelings.

"I don't know..." I trail off, cursing myself for procrastinating on that excuse rolodex.

"Girl i'll even come and get you, you don't even have to drive. You know you love a blind date."

At the words "blind date" my alarms go off. I've had one experience with a blind date and it was disastrous.

***

I was nineteen. My girlfriend A, was twenty. To A, that year was a chasm of experience and maturity, that i, still a lowly a teenager, could only hope to attain. Still, for reasons unknown, she deemed me worthy of association, and decided to share her wealth of knowledge with me. I found her pretenses annoying, but she was my friend. Plus she had a car.

So she calls me up one friday morning, suggesting that i come through and spend the weekend with her at her house. Maybe we could catch a movie or something. Bet. My life at that point was just a mass of schoolwork, and i welcomed any deviation from the tedium. I cleared it with the parentals, and friday evening i was on my merry way to east giblip, the sprawling black hole of a suburb somewhere between philadelphia and delaware.

As we rode along in the car, she apprised me of our plans. It wouldn't just be us going to the movies, she invited some other people to tag along. Cool.

We get to her house, and immediately change our clothes. I rummage through her closet, and she scours my suitcase, the thrill of a new (borrowed)wardrobe not one to be denied. I asked her when the movie started, in order to gauge how much time i had to flat iron my hair, which had poufed all out. Highway + stultifying car interior + opened windows = brillo pad head.

Thats when she tells me that she's not driving. We're being picked up, and by the way "the other people we're going with are two guys."

Oh.

She gives me the rundown, letting me know that one of the dudes she really really likes, and the other is his friend. She tosses me a bone: "You'll like him." The friend is for me i assume. A is astute in the way only a twenty year old is. By providing me with my own foil she thinks that i won't notice that my presence on this jaunt is just to facilitate a date that her mom would not be cool with had she been going by herself. No matter. I really don't care. At this point i'm more concerned about my hair(its a disease that goes way back) than whether i will like either one of these fellows. I get it to cooperate by hook or crook, and we go downstairs to wait for the dudes.

Its my first(and only) blind double date. I don't recall being nervous. I had no idea how horrible they could be.

They guys rolled up in a gold-ish mazda 626(remember them? lol) and beeped the horn. I thought it was rude, but what did i know? I didn't have time to contemplate it as A was out the door, leaving me and my antiquated notions of decorum in the living room. I hurriedly followed behind her. The two front seats were occupied by the guys so A and i entered the car by the backdoors on either side.

Once settled in the car she introduced me to them. "Alexis this is____ and _____." i don't remember their names. "Hi" I said, suddenly shy. From the backseat of the car, the driver looked kind of cute. Hunching back in the leather, i make a motion with my index finger, "which one is you?" i mouth.

She points to the driver.

Oh.

Well there goes that.

I try to peek at the passenger, but he's sitting right in front of me. He's wearing glasses though. Nice.

There wasn't much conversation on the way to the theater.

We're on that good CPT so we get there late. Natch. The movie has already been on for thirty minutes. We stand in the lobby of the multiplex like a bunch of idiots, at a loss of what to do. I fiddle with the zipper pull of my yellow DKNY jacket (courtesy of my cousin who always had the name brand gear) trying my best to appear cool and unaffected. A's crush comes over to me, taking the zipper out my hand.

"look at you with your dinky." (how dkny translates to dinky i dunno. Maybe it was a philly and suburbs thing?)

His friend joins him.

"yeah i seen that...look at you, fly girl." Glasses grins at me. Ok, he's kind of cute too.

"Oh please.." i say, making some ineffectual gesture with my hand. I'm embarrassed at the sudden attention. I have no idea how to carry on flirty rapport with the opposite sex. I look at my mentor for help. She'll know what to do.

She's surveying the scene, a look not all unlike annoyance on her face.

Uh oh.

She starts rubbing her stomach.

"I'm hungry" she whines. "Lets get something to eat."

Her "date" looks at her, his attention successfully diverted from the mystique of my "dinky" jacket. "What you wanna eat?"

"I want some friday's" She wheedles again, pouting.

"Whatchu want?" He looks at me. "you hungry?"

"Fridays is fine with me...i'm not that hungry though so its whatever."

Glasses chuckles. "Not hungry?" You need to eat. You all little." I look at him. He's teasing me in a complimentary way.

A's date suggests the fridays on south street, (RIP) and we all agree to retrace our footsteps, making the trek back into the city.

The car ride was the start of the awkwardness. It became obvious that both dudes were kind of flirting with me, and it wasn't sitting too well with A. I understood, but what to do? I certainly wasn't encouraging it. In fact, i didn't have the foggiest why it was the case. She was obviously older and more...experienced.

Fortunately she didn't leave it to me. Instead, she employed a standard technique that has never failed when corralling a man's attention: the scintillating subject of undergarments.

During a lull in the conversation, while "absentmindedly" groping her boob, she said - in the worst sotto voce ever:

"i need to get some new bras."

Ok... that was random. Well it would have been random if we had been saying random back then, but we weren't.

...Man i wish we were saying random then.

(sidenote: my mother says random now. How random is that?)

"Oh..?" I said, surprised. Why is she talking about her bra? Wait. Ohh..

"Yeah, girl - they have a sale at victoria's secret, and i'm about to stock up. Lets go there tomorrow." I won't even get into how homegirl was making 8 an hour, and was hardly dropping 40 dollars on one bra. And definitely not more than one.

But, whatever.

And as if on cue, the boys chime in:

"can we go with yall?"

How typical. I try not to roll my eyes.

A, obviously pleased with the turn of the conversation said:

"You wish! " And then: "I don't care, yall could help me pick some out. I need a mans eye."

oh boy.

Glasses: "what about trying them on?"

"Boy please." It was a caress rather than remonstration.

I remember looking out the back passenger window, trying not to gag. The philly skyline rose on the horizon.

Glasses turned around in his seat, looking at me:

"you gonna buy some bras too?"