ANYWHERE BUT HERE

Well not anywhere. The location must boast these credentials:

Sun.
Warm sand, and pristine beaches.
Minimal Civilization.
Cracker Barrel.
Sonic.

Simple right?

Once again the cold temps, the snow and the increasing darkness has me questioning my insistence upon living where i live. I loathe winter, so why stay in a place where winter and cold temperatures constitute a greater part of the year? Perhaps i'm a bit of a masochist. Perhaps i'm lazy. Perhaps i'm afraid of the unknown. Perhaps i'm a combination of all three. Whatever the reason, a great deal of today was spent daydreaming about my own private shangri-la. One day i'll get there.

Until then, you're welcome to join me on my escapade. It sounds a little like this:

La Costa - Natalie Cole

APROPOS

For how i'm feeling tonight.

Sometimes i turn on the news and its just like...

Yeah.

The above is a live performance of What's Going On/Whats happening brother from the "Save The Children" Concert held in Chicago in 1973. Directed by Stan Lathan(Sanaa Lathan's Father)

This song, as well as this production - is a work of art. Marvin recorded the album in 1971, and is relevant as it was then, its even more relevant today. (What's happening brother especially heavy)

If you have nine minutes, watch this video.

The incomparable James Jamerson on Bass (delivering one of the sweetest basslines EVER)

Eddie "Bongo" Brown on the Congas

Marvin on Piano.

Never has socially conscious introspection sounded so exquisite.

(also, i may have to learn how to play bass.)

I HAVE A PROBLEM

...that im not going to talk about here. Its tempting but i won't.

don't worry, I'm not sick, physically or mentally.(well maybe a lil lol) My health is here and life is fine and good and dandy and all that sentimental stuff that's found on hallmark cards and (the good) fortune cookies.

There's just this one thing. A small thing really. But, its kinda got me trippin. Shoot i don't know if problem is even the right word. Problem has too much gravitas. Someone pass me the Roget's.

Basically what it is is...

Wait. I said I wouldn't bring it here. So why even mention it in the first place? I don't know. Maybe to lend an air of mystery and intrigue to my otherwise bland persona. Did it work? Have I sufficiently whetted your appetite only to not deliver and thereby leaving you(the audience) wanting more? Are you alternately thrilling with and irritated by this unexpected plot twist and subsequent cliffhanger? Do you want a resolution? Have you seen the macguffin?

No? Ok.

Anyway.

So, what do i want to talk about?

Is it just me, or has the hour we gained two weeks ago seem moot? Like i was looking forward to it for weeks, and then it came and went...so anti climactic. I used to be able to feel the return of that hour. I'd wake up the morning after, all refreshed and jubilant..bright eyed and bushy tailed...it really made a difference. The same with when we lost the hour. Only the reverse. Grumpy and surly...straight haggard with a matted pelt. Totally gross. The day after daylight savings commences im a mess. I miss that hour. Now? Well, we went back to EST november fourth, but I still feel like im on DST - just with a whole lot less D(aylight). Of course my tiredness could have something to do with my appalling sleeping habits - up late, rising early does NOT do the body good. I've been chided by some friends about it, but its like a vicious cycle. I thought that extra hour would stand in my good stead but um..no. Instead of having one more hour to sleep, its just one more hour to be awake.

I spent way more money this weekend than I should have. Usually I'm pretty good with controlling my uh...primal urges(well most of them), but the last 48hrs has been like everything she wants. © WHAM! Its not that I can't use the stuff I bought...its just that I didn't need to use it NOW.

"CONTROL. You must learn control." © Yoda

Speaking of shopping. As much as like shopping with people(not) - there are some occasions when its not the best idea. See, I tend to have expensive taste, and if I see something I like and can afford it - I buy it. I bought some jeans on Saturday and the price was... well...im embarrassed to say. Needless to say they weren't cheap. But see, the thing is they fit so nice and made my booty look so decent that they were worth the ducats--

...

Ok, nothing is worth that kind of wallet rape, but when you find a pair of jeans that actually hugs your curves and accentuates in all the right places and doesn't make you look like a 12 yr old school boy, well what's a few dollars? I don't know about you but where I'm from you don't fight fate. Right ladies?

So.

The person that was with me made a big deal over the price and I felt so embarrassed. We're at the cash register and i'm getting dirty looks and the sales associate was tittering at the giver of the dirty looks. I wanted to let loose with a litany of snark but i held back. It was if I had been caught redhanded committing a crime. Hands in the cookie jar mode. Littering on the interstate. Not curbing the dog. You follow the general idea. Just being plain old egregious. I felt compelled to rationalize and justify so i stuttered and made explanations. Explanations which ended with me hanging my head in shame. I felt like the poster girl for the oft-scorned qualities of american greed and excess. Me no likey that feely. Ever see the episode of seinfeld where elaine freaks out because a girl finds out she is wearing a pair of shoes from a store called botticellis? Well that's how I felt. Needless to say, the next time i go clothing shopping i will roll solo or make sure i'm with someone who can handle the truth. Meanwhile, should you see me walking down the street looking especially confident, know that i'm probably IN THOSE JEANS! © ginuwine

Any of the football cognoscenti want to discuss the Eagles/Bengals game that ended in a...TIE? I mean really what's that about? Trust the Eagles to tie a game. And a game against the bengals no less.

TO wrap up this mess of an entry i'd just like to share that for the last 45mins i've been trying to learn the choreography for this part in beyonce's video:

Tell me that wasn't fly.

I knew that as soon as i saw the video, i would wind up liking the song. And now that i like the song, well of course i want to dance to it. And for some reason that part is especially dope to me. SO i put my little leotard on and straight acted a fool. I almost have it but not quite. I used to do this all the time when i was younger - my cousin and i had the pleasure principal routine DOWN. Guess denim...bottles of water...

you might think i'm crazy but i'm serious/its better you know now/what i thought was happiness was only part time bliss/you can take a bow

HOT.

Yeah we had mastered the entire routine. Well...except for the the chair part. Her mom would never let us go that far. But yeah, I guess i'll never outgrow certain things.

SEINFELD HAS BEEN OFF THE AIR FOR 10 YEARS

And it was only broadcast for nine(1989-1998) so that means that it has been off the air longer than it was on. It also means that the babies who were born when the show first came on are hovering near 20 years old.

Boy do I feel ancient.

Seinfeld is probably my favorite sitcom ever, and many of my greatest one-liners are re-workings of a seinfeld quotable. Oh wait did I just reveal my secret? Pretend you didn't see that. Pay no attention to the (wo)man behind the curtain. ;)

I haven't had much success with sitcoms since then. An ex tried to sell me on Friends, "its funnier than seinfeld!" He claimed. (pure chicanery btw) but I wasn't buying it. Friends was a knock-off seinfeld. Not that it didn't have his funny moments, but please. All the chandlers and phoebes in the world could not hold a candle to Kramer and Co. So i wallowed in sitcom purgatory, with the occasional peeks of sunshine (news radio was the HOTNESS) but nothing much moved me. And then five years ago I discovered King of Queens and realized there was another show on tv that could make me laugh with its sheer inanity.(Doug pole dancing? OMG.) Not to mention, Carrie Heffernan(leah remini) reminded me a lot of myself, feisty fashionable, a tough exterior but really? a total softy.

(sidenote: the other day someone called me spicy brown - as in mustard. I was getting smart - whats new right? - And it was meant to be a joke, but i kind of like it, so i'm claiming it as my own. lol)

But yeah, i love the Carrie. Now that KOQs is off the air, what's left for me? The Office and an assortment of reality shows.(Helloo Kardashians!)

Did just wax poetic about Television programming? Ugh. This can't be life.

In sad news, Michael Crichton died. Apparently he was battling cancer. The news of his death has upset me way more than i would've thought. Mr. Crichton is one of my favorite authors. The first novel I read by him was Jurassic Park. It was 1993 and I was just in my early teens, but when i saw the movie, and heard it was based on a book? Well I immediately had to read it. I took my juice money(allowance) to borders and bought a copy. I fairly devoured it. As much as I loved the movie, the book was 10 times better. In 48 hours(the time it took me to finish it) Michael Crichton had acquired a new fan. From that point on I went backwards in his catalog ...andromeda strain...congo...(the movie was a disgrace. the book, excellent.) terminal man...sphere...rising sun...basically i read everything he wrote that I could get my hands on.

For a while, when I was still in my young optimistic stage, Crichton's books were what i'd recommend to all my potential beaux whenever i considered myself trying to enlighten them and broaden their experiences. Arrogant right? lol. (Don't laugh!) Most of the guys I liked never read, and that was foreign to me. They only read what they had to for school. And even school assigned reading was met with resistance and disdain. You mean you aren't enjoying beowulf? But you're so cute! I was reading further than what the teacher assigned because i liked it. I so wanted them to experience the joy of reading for pleasure. Being the idealist that i was(and still am to an extent)I thought I could coax them over to my side by dangling the carrot that was Michael's signature technological thriller. Nothing excessively girlie, romantic or saccharine. Just a fantastic adrenaline rush. Perfect for boys! But...they didn't bite. The fifteen year old male mind was occupied by things of a more, lets see, carnal nature.

"Yeah jurassic park was a good movie and i'm sure its a better book but um...what are you wearing?"

Boys and their hormones.

I remember my mom walking past me one day when i was on the phone, chattin up some random dude i had a crush on, and she heard me telling him about book. When i got off the phone she teased:

"oh you must really like him...you're recommending books." :(

Hm. why didn't I have boyfriend in HS again...? lol. Okay okay i was a weirdo. Shutty! Like you guys weren't lame too. lol. Anyway I've gotten over trying to convince "boys" to read(jade is such a pretty color isn't it?) but I've never gotten over my love of M. Crichton's prose. His novels are not only supremely entertaining but educational. He is the reason my 15 yr old self knew what chaos theory was. Crichton seemed to have a prescient ability to put his finger on the pulse of what was going to be new and exciting in science and technology. Everytime i read one of his novels, i would have the encyclopedia and dictionary on deck. He will be missed. RIP.

Its officially cool outside and though tonight is rather warm, I know that i better get it poppin and hunker down to prepare for winter. I always procrastinate winterizing, like if i don't acknowledge the increasing cold, then it won't really be happening. Head in the sand gambit. Obviously it never works, so this year i will take the bull by the horns(oh no i sound like my dad) and get to prepping before i wake up one morning and the wind chill is -10 and i'm shivering, wishing i hadn't procrastinated(like last year). I already have the down comforter, but i was recently put on to flannel sheets, and its like where have you been all my life? Yeah yeah satiny sheets are cute-ish, but there is no traction (jumped in the bed and almost slid right out of it) and they are so not practical for when its chilly. I rolled over and near had frostbite. My regular old cotton ones aren't much better. There's not as much sliding, but anywhere where your body is not? Freezing. And i'm not trying to have any limbs amputated. So flannel sheets it is. I need a new feather bed, and i think i should invest in some of those hotel quality vellux blankets. Don't you just love those? I also think i need to invest in a good pair of long johns, tops and bottoms. Yes long johns. Not thermal. Old school. Oh i may look like grandma(or grandpa lol) when i go to bed but at least i'll be warm.

THE TROUBLE WITH CHEESESTEAKS

Is that i can never figure out if it is one word or two.

So, this past weekend some friends were here from out of town.

We all got together on sunday to watch the eagles game( a game they lost), and as is par for the course in these kinds of settings, decided to order in some victuals for refreshment. A few cuisines were tossed around: chinese, italian(pizza), indian, japanese(sushi), but really, what everyone seemed to want was that indigenous entree so near and dear to the hearts of philadelphians, a cheesesteak.

I sighed inwardly. Why people? why?

Now before anyone goes thinking anything, let me clarify something. As philly's native daughter, I love cheesesteaks. i love them just as much as pat, jim, larry, geno, tony luke...whoever. I love that greasy artery clogging goodness that's so disgustingly delicious and you know you should stay away because it's no good for you, and your mind is telling you know even as your body is telling you yes...

Wait, what was i talking about again?

Oh yeah that's right.

For all of its allure, i can't forget what it is:

Beef and cheese...on a hoagie roll.

The cheesesteak is a simple food. Yummy, but simple. Blue collar food. Stick to your ribs(and waist and thighs and butt) food. And while the whole is definitely greater than the sum of its parts, its not all that.

Oh i feel like benedict arnold for even typing those words.

See, my problem is this. I have cheesesteak anxiety. Whenever people come in from out of town, they usually want to do three things that qualify as the authentic philly experience:

1. See the liberty bell.
2. Run up the steps of the Art Museum like Rocky
3. Eat a cheeseteak

The first two, while done to death, have a quaint charm for me. I love history so i never get tired of seeing the liberty bell, and i love schmaltz, so i have no problem standing on the art museum steps and yelling adrienne really loudly. Its part of the hokey adventure that is Alexis.

The third is what trips me up. The cheesesteak has been deified, crucified, lauded and belittled so much that its been built up into this entity, and has taken on a life of its own. People want to experience the "CHEESESTEAK" if for nothing else than to see what the fuss is all about, and that's what scares me. © indiana jones

How can meat and cheese on a roll compare to a person's imagination? I tell you, it cannot.

If you've grown up here, or at least have had a steady diet of cheesesteaks from infancy, you can appreciate the nuances that make a cheesesteak great as opposed to just good. There's the critical dirt to grease ratio, the meat to cheese ratio, the freshness of the roll quotient. All these things go into making a cheesesteak worth eating.

However, visitors - with visions of cheesesteaks dancing in their head, have none of this wisdom and experience. All they know is that they're in philadelphia, and in philadelphia we eat cheesesteaks. And being that we're "fat", and that cheesesteaks are philadelphia's claim to fame, they must be good.

So the out of towners wanted cheesesteaks. I feebly attempted to persuade them to have sushi:

"I know a really good place..."

But they would have none of that. Thinking on it, i guess sushi isn't much of a football type food( i really wanted some though).

Anyway, the steaks are ordered, they arrive and the lucullan spread is before us, smelling decadent. How can you resist that smell? My mouth waters, the earlier reluctance fading away. There is a chorus of sandwich papers unwrapping and everyone digs in.

With the exception of the tv, the room is silent for a few minutes as everyone is chewing and swallowing. My friend wipes his mouth with one of those cheap napkins that the takeout place sent that really are a disgrace to the word napkin, being that they are so thin and small that they really do more harm than help...

"what do yall think?"

Staggered responses:

"its...good"

"i like it"

"really tasty"

Hmm.

One dude said that he was enjoying it, but it would have been better if it had roasted peppers on it, like the one he had in TX.

I almost choked.

Roasted Peppers? While i have no doubt that that is probably a very tasty iteration, Roasted peppers are not de rigueur cheesesteak fixings. Cheesesteak is not gourmet food. Roasted peppers and au jus and wine reduction deglazes are not standard in cheesesteakery. Want veggies with your cheesesteak? get fried onions, hots and sweets. But roasted peppers? Is he kidding? And what is this Texas talk? He also was a dallas fan though, so that may explain the effrontery.

I winced. The responses were all positive, but - and perhaps i'm reading too much into this - they seemed a little, i don't know, dissapointed.

And that was my fear. These visitors had never had a cheesesteak before, and once they had one, i'm sure they were thinking - for all of its goodness - "this is it?"

The actual taste could not live up to the hype.

It reminds me of the whole brouhaha surrounding the movie Titanic. Everyone everywhere was talking about this movie, and how wonderful it was, how innovative the special effects were and how if you didn't see the movie you were a fascist of some sort. All my girlfriends were going to see it multiple times because it was sooooo romantic and sooooo sweeping and sooooo epic. I was like no thanks. I refused to see it just because it was hyped up so much. But after it swept the academy awards i said, hmm. Maybe i should see it and stop being such a curmudgeon.

So i asked my mom to rent it once it was release on tape(yes this was 97/98 after all) and we settled in on the sofa for some Grade A Movie Magic.

Well, i should have stuck to my guns because i thought the film to be a thoroughly overrated and bloated affair. It was just ok. While certainly not the worst movie i've ever seen, it was NOT all that. I probably would have enjoyed it more if it had not been hyped up so much.

So to with cheesesteaks. They're really good. Really really good. But, its beef and cheese on a hoagie roll. If you get one with the thought of a mind blowing, orgasmic, slap your momma, take me higher lord experience, don't be surprised when all you get it is, well...

a cheesesteak.

...GOT ME CHANGING MY EXPRESSION, I DON'T EXPRESS

So these are the days of blog famine that i've been hearing about. I have not had the desire to blog since last friday. And though that isn't a remarkably long time on the scale of remarkably long times, it feels weird to be absolutely without motivation to write. But here's the kicker, i still expect my favorite bloggers to be blogging lol. Nerve right? Anyway, there are a few things worth mentioning, and as the spirit hit me this morning, i forced out this tripe below:

One:

the amazing events of Tuesday November 4th. You heard about that...didn't you? Oh, well there is just teensy historic thing of the fact that there is now a black president elect of the United States. Its surreal. I'm incredulous. Its like that scene with luke and yoda on dagobah:

luke: [after yoda uses the force to rescue his submersed x-wing] i don't...i don't believe it...

Yoda: That is why you fail.

Now hopefully i'm not doomed to a life of failure, but wow. just wow.


Two:

The dress crisis is averted, i now have a decent garment to wear, it fits well - as long as i don't eat, breathe or make any sudden movements - (hello wardrobe malfunction!), so that is a load off. Thank you all for your suggestions, and for holding my (electronic) hand while i suffered through my plight. lol. Don't let go yet though, there is still the issue of hair(did i hear a chorus of groans??? lol). Stay tuned.


Three:

Its November. The eleventh month of the year. I can't believe how fast 2008 is flying. I feel like i need to do something to rein it in and stop time from moving so fast but, ...how do you catch a wave and pin it down? © the nuns on sound of music. Remember back in july when i promised i wouldn't mention age or the aging process for a month? Ok, im sure you don't remember because yall don't be paying attention and thats okay but the fact remains that i was good on my promise. Its been a good four months since i talked about anything pertaining to age. All that to say is that all bets are off, its time to start bemoaning the passage of time and youth once more.

Four:

The new lebron james commercial. If you haven't seen it - which isn't likely as im usually the last to see things - please watch the youtube clip below. As much as i hate to admit it, dude is funny. He has that subtle sense of humor that i dig, his comedic timing on point. In fact the title of this blog is from that commercial (1:50), i've been saying it for a few days at random moments. "That and don't pump fake me now." Speaking of youth, how is it that is only 23 years old? Isn't that a crime or something? I remember the days when all sports stars were older than i was. And now, well i'm older than a whole lot of them. < /decrepit>