TRYING TO FIGURE OUT

What goes in this box may be one of the most daunting things in the world, you know?

After being on such a long hiatus, writing is more than just labor, it's a herculean effort. I'm out of practice, and it's never been more painfully obvious then now, as I attempt to conjure up words to fill this page.

As the proverb admonishes: use it or lose it.

I seem to have lost it.

The crickets are outside, chirping. It is a lovely, peaceful sound. Noisy, but not obtrusive. It is  amazing how such a furious activity(for them) is so relaxing(for me). Nature is full of elegant cacophony, from crickets to birds to the rustling of leaves to waves crashing on a shore. Beautiful as much as it is sonorous.

I'm having a hard time accepting that we are already over halfway through the month. August is everything the name suggests - the pinnacle of the year. After it, the months slowly decline. There is the welcome respite of the cool of september, unfortunately the year continues on this downward trend until we find ourselves in the frigid sinkhole of december and january.

Not a happy thought. 

I am constantly chided by the SO for always doing this - beginning an early mourning for the summer's end - but I can't help donning the proverbial sackcloth as the month nears conclusion. Summer is THE season for me. It's invigorating and enervating (at the same #@%^ time!) and i love every sweaty, uncomfortable minute of it. Summer is bounteous and sensual, robust and dynamic. It's salt and skin and laughter and color and sunshine and heat and electric. It's ripe and it's vibrant. Summer is the culmination of nature, and a renewal of spirit and mind.

Yet it ends so soon.

I fully understand why gauguin was obsessed with the islands. Beautiful women notwithstanding - the year long warm weather had to have been a tonic. It's the kind of climate that inspires. You can't help but be prolific when every day feels like a warm embrace.

But i'm not talking about anything I haven't before. That's thing about blogging, or any writing endeavor for that matter - topics come in cycles, and for the most part everything is a retelling. But that's the wonderful thing about words, they can be formed in an infinite number of combinations, each new iteration giving a different slant on the the subject. This is my fancy way of saying "I repeat myself."

If there's nothing else i've learned about writing, I've learned this: It's not so much about what you say, it's how you say it. This is a given in spoken conversation, but it holds true in the written word as well. Masters of prose - the authors we love, the skilled essayists, the professional and amateur scribes who spin words into gilded monoliths - are able to use language with precision, and transform the most mundane, repetitious thought into beautiful and insightful expression.

This entry feels more intimate than most. Not so much in subject matter, but in tone. Perhaps it's due to my solitude - the boo is zonked out. (i plan on joining him soon. lol.)  Or, perhaps it's the lighting in my study - more ambient than illuminating - tht's imbued the words with a cadence of familiarity. I feel like i'm having a conversation with a close friend. Those moments when you're talking about nothing and everything at the same time. Therapy. I hope it was as good for you as it was for me.

HELLO, IT'S ME

I've thought about us for a long, long time.

...No really, I have.

It's been the better part of a year (and a half!) since i've last blogged, but believe me there hasn't been a day (ok, maybe a day) that's gone by that i haven't thought of this here, my little nook in the digital universe. I've thought, and said to myself, "you should blog" but somehow my thoughts never translated to action. And now here we are, over a year later, and we've become strangers with familiar faces. Shoot, even blogger has a new format. Change is the only constant, I suppose.

Do you remember the time? We were young and innocent then. ©

*awkward silence*

So I guess at this point it would be appropriate to ask how you, my readers, are doing. Or am I being presumptuous in assuming that there still are readers to ask?

*more awkward silence* 

Yeah. I'm probably talking to myself.

I'll press forward regardless. Over the last yeah and a half, i've acquired, what's popularly called, a "life." Mmhmm. Not completely the reason for me bring m.i.a, but definitely some of it. My normally lackluster, yet quite comfortable existence has been kicked into high gear by a number of things, one of the most relevant being, a boyfriend. (boo, significant other, wind beneath my wings - whatever the kids are calling it these days.)
 


Yes, the perennially single, always a bridesmaid, penny-with-a-hole-in-it, woman that you have come to know, (and, lets be honest, love) has joined the rest of the well adjusted adult population and procured herself a running mate. :-) It was a long time coming, and it totally blindsided me - i'd resigned myself to being an orphan of romance, at least for the remainder of my childbearing years - but a one in a million chance of a lifetime and all that sentimental folderol happened, and guess what? He's amazing and it's amazing and *THIS* (oh yes honey ALLLLL CAPS) is completely worth the wait. It really is true that when you don't look for love is when it comes. In fact, in my case I was totally oblivious to love (as i usually am to affection from anyone other than my parents) until it came in and smacked me in the face.  And oooh chile...

Ahem.

I'd continue to gush, but this train of thought is probably interesting to no one but me.

Other than the addition of a leading man, my life has been pretty much standard fare. I continue to be the nerdy bluestocking with an affinity for word and the mighty sinensis. It's my goal to rekindle my affection for writing, i miss this outlet. Writing has always been a cathartic endeavor, and as i compose this entry, i'm experiencing that old familiar feeling. The one i had when i first started this blog, and had committed myself to chronicling my thoughts, hopes, dreams, in addition to the other odds and ends of my personality.

So why have i been away so long? I admit that microblogging(twitter) has totally derailed my long form. 140 character "tweets" don't require the contemplation or diligence of traditional prose. It's quick and to the point and instantly gratifying - but in a lazy, disjointed, distracted and disinterested way. It's your words, but it's not cohesive, there isn't a theme, no idea that would unify that is an earmark of composition. It's more like...  extemporaneous tourettes. It's wholly self centered in a way that traditional prose isn't. That's part of it's attraction i suppose. Paragraphs and well developed thought are not a necessity when participating in that forum. I love it, and it's quite addictive, and even useful, for what it is - but it hasn't exactly been good for my blogging. :-(

But, enough of that. The point is, i'm here. And hopefully you are too. I've missed you. Leave a comment, let me know how you're doing.  Let's reacquaint ourselves. ;-)


XOXO

THE PROUST QUESTIONNAIRE

Marcel Proust, after whom this questionnaire was named, was a famous essayist and critic. As a youth he displayed a talent for writing and creating literature. He was was a precocious child, and it was in his teens that he completed this questionnaire. He did not create the questionnaire - it had been used previously as a sort of "parlor game" among society in what might be labeled an "intellectual amusement, wherein the takers true personality would be revealed through his/her answers. Proust's responses were so remarkable in their pith, insight and wit - especially for someone of such a tender age, that it made his name synonymous with the questionnaire.

Well, im not Proust, but I decided would take my hand at answering the questions. I can't promise anything remotely pithy, insightful or even witty. Instead, expect answers equal parts glib, cheeky and flippant - with the occasional thoughtfulness - maybe even solemnity peeking through. It was a fun project, especially since i'm sitting home watching the snowpacalypse go by (thundersnow? really?) and i really have nothing better to do. And if you reside on the mid atlantic seaboard you probably don't either, so I figured i'd share. Maybe you could tell me what it reveals about me. For me, i'm just as clueless as ever. :)



The Proust Questionnaire:

1. What is your idea of perfect happiness? Hm. Peace of mind = perfect happiness. Peace of mind knowing that my loved ones - family and friends - are not just alive, but well. Peace meaning not worrying about bills, health, or any of the other vagaries of life that tend to nickel and dime at my contentment quotient. Peace that allows you to have true wonderful and RESTFUL sleep at night. Of course, that kind of happiness is more idealistic than realistic. So, i'll settle for a cup of tea, the SO, Star Wars and/or Indiana Jones marathon, accompanied by a game of scrabble AND a huge piece of peach cobbler. I'm simple.

2.What is your greatest fear? Tripping and falling in front of a large group of people. Yes there are deeper, more melodramatic psychology-student-friendly fears but yeah. This is up there.
...

Ok.. you wanted something substantial? Mortality. The idea of losing friends and/or family in death. The idea of losing my own life. The idea of getting sick. Of seeing my loved ones sick. One reason i hate to go to the doctor even as i dabble in hypochondria from time to time. Even seeing visiting my sister in the hospital after she had each of my nephews was a CHALLENGE for me. It was a happy occasion but i was still freaked. I don't like things that remind of my own mortality, or that of others.

3. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? Oh my, just one trait? Seriously, I have so many unsavory characteristics of which i'd love to divest myself. But at the top...worrying, second guessing myself to distraction, having easily hurt feelings, and my occasional hypochondria. A quad of easily my most destructive foibles. I became a worrier when i got old(er) and saw how much there was to worry about. I mean really, all you got to do is read a paper. And i've had issues with self-confidence since the womb. :( My easily hurt feelings have lead me down a path of excessive self-effacement, and prevented me from trying things because i *think* something may make me look stupid. My hypochondria is just annoying. Seriously why do i think im so special that every horrible incurable disease is coming to me? lol.

4. What is the trait you most deplore in others? Lack of humility. Or worse, a person who masquerades as humble but in reality is a raging narcissist.

5. Which living person do you most admire? Only one? I gotta break the rules. My mommy and daddy, and my grandparents - on both sides of the family. They have set such fine examples in... everything. Im blessed to have them all in my life.

6. What is your greatest extravagance? Letting myself open up and be truly vulnerable with my SO. I keep my feelings to myself. I prefer to work out things privately. I shy at the thought of displaying my shortcomings, my frailties, my imperfections. Expressing myself, raw and unedited, is a luxury. Sometimes I need coaching. I think this kind of indulgence is so hard for me because it's me asking for acceptance, even as i reveal parts of myself the may elicit rejection. It also implies a level of intimacy and trust. Letting go and being emotionally naked is an extravagance indeed. But i love the feeling when it happens, the security in revealing insecurity.

Oh but as far as material things? I can't say for sure. It's between my clothing, shoes, make up... and electronics. lol. Im working on stepping my personal library up though. As a bibliophile, my collection could and should be much better. (It ain't shabby though)

7. What is your current state of mind? contemplative. distracted. maybe a bit emo. tender, sultry... and a little naughty. ;-)

8. What do you consider the most overrated virtue? After consulting a list of virtues, Im going to go with - ambition. I was never that impressed with "ambitious" people. The notion of ambition has always left me with a *shrug* kind of feeling. Left unchecked this "virtue" does more harm than good, the need to be treated deferentially, to attain power, wealth, glory, some type of notoriety (even in small doses) is more of a disservice to oneself, and often a detriment to others.

9. On what occasion do you lie? Calling out of work when im "sick." Also when i don't want my family to worry. For ex: my grandmom calls and asks how im doing and i say "fine" even though i may have been just crying my eyes out five seconds earlier. I know i'll be ok, so why bother them with my issues?

10. What do you most dislike about your appearance? My lips. My height. My complexion when i havent gotten enough sun.

11. Which living person do you most despise? I can't think of a single person I despise. A lot of people annoy me though. lol.

12. What is the quality you most like in a man? Agreeableness/Easygoing..ness. There's is nothing worse than a curmudgeon-y dude. Just irritable all the time, always on edge... a jerk. YUK. Agreeableness is closely followed by a sense of humor. Easy going and funny is like my favorite combo ever.

13. What is the quality you most like in a woman? Friendliness. An underused asset in feminine community. Especially with regards to other women. There's this horrible trend of women viewing any woman other than their female family members (and sometimes not even they are exempt) as the enemy. There's nothing like meeting a woman and she's kind... gracious, genuine. And not that fake stuff that you see right through.

14. Which words or phrases do you most overuse? I don't know. No, really. I say "I don't know" more than I care to admit.

15. What or who is the greatest love of your life? The love for my family. Lovers come and go, friendships ebb and flow... but the love for my family STAYS. Not to undermine my romantic love - but my family has my heart for now, and forever.

16. When and where were you happiest? When i was notified that i had a rich uncle who recently died, and willed me his multimillion dollar fortune. Ok, that hasn't happened yet, but when it does i'm positive that will be my happiest moment. lol.

17. Which talent would you most like to have? There's a few. I adore carpentry. I'd love to be able to build my own house. I'd like to be a math whiz. I can sing but i wanna SANG. Id like to possess the range of minnie, the bombast of aretha, of the purity and intonation of ella, the improvisation and emotional heft of billie, the sassiness of sarah, and the sensuality of toni. Ok, and the bank account of beyonce.

18. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? I'd be four inches taller.

19. What do you consider your greatest achievement? Dang. Yall getting deep. Um... Is it sad that i can't think of one right now? I guess.. never doing drugs?

20. If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be? Halle Berry. lol.

21. Where would you most like to live? In your heart and mind. Also, in a four bedroom condo on a beach in tahiti.. with all the modern amenities. :)

22. What is your most treasured possession? My sanity.

23. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? Hopelessness. When you lose hope, you have nothing.

24. What is your favorite occupation? Full time humanity critic. I like providing good natured sarcastic commentary on all facets of life. Now if only someone would pay me. :)

25. What is your most marked characteristic? I'm nice. I hate that descriptor, but whatever. I could be labeled worse things. I'm also a a nerd and cornball, and generally nonthreatening. lol.

26. What do you most value in your friends? Generosity, truthfulness, kindness, empathy, humor, the desire to encourage.

27. Who are your favorite writers? Margaret Mitchell. P.G Wodehouse. Raymond Chandler. Carolyn Keene. Agatha Christie. :)

28. Who is your hero of fiction? Scarlett O'hara. SO misunderstood she was. People saw the rough exterior - but she truly was vulnerable, tender in nature. Unfortunately, she was her own worst enemy at times, and had to learn the hard way that sometimes "i'm sorry" doesn't make everything better. That being overly absorbed in your own problems, and letting life be reduced to your own myopic point of view can often cause you to lose out on what you are most trying to obtain. That a good intention is rendered naught if the method used is wrong. But despite her diet of tough lessons, heartbreak and loneliness, she stayed devoted to her family. She learned love and loyalty comes from the place you least expect it, and remained optimistic about the future even after the realization that her epiphany came too late. She never let disappointment immobilize her. After all "tomorrow is another day."

29. Which historical figure do you most identify with? Rochefoucauld? A an observant cynic. He saw life through the same wormwood colored glasses :-)

30. Who are your heroes in real life? My mom and Dad.

31. What are your favorite names? I have a thing for Gaelic names.

32. What is it that you most dislike? Winter. Long lines. Crowds. Beets. Rowdy kids. Disrespectful service workers. Rude people in general. Outsourced customer service. Overcooked steak. People who talk in cliches. That sinking feeling when you pull on your jeans and you say "yeah... i've gained weight" :(

33. What is your greatest regret? That i never told my friend how much i loved him and now he's gone.

34. How would you like to die? La petite mort ;-) Oh... you mean my ultimate demise? lol. In my sleep, painlessly.

35. What is your motto? "Measure twice, cut once."

And because this song had me feeling myself tonight :) -
Toni Braxton - How many ways

AU REVOIR 2010

"Like the sands through an hourglass, so are the days of our lives."

Once again, we've reached that moment when we usher out one year in favor of a new one. It's a brutal ritual if you ask me, but who am I to fight against a millenium(s) old institution? Humanity has a fondness for new shiny things, not the least of which is epoch marking. It holds a singular (if masochistic) thrill. We enjoy counting time, even though its essence escapes us. We look forward to a new day even though that means permanent exile from the previous one. Time flies, and as much as we'd like to catch up with it, we can't. So here we are, on the brink of a new year - just as we were getting used to the old one.

Are you ready? I'm not.

Sure, we had 365 days to prepare, but I'm a very sentimental person, and I hate goodbyes. 2010 was pretty good to me, in fact as far as years go it was actually above average, and finished quite well. I'm not eager to see it go. Yet, i must, despite being unprepared. I'm always at a loss when a new year is nascent. Partially due to the pressure (albeit largely self imposed) to tie up all loose ends as it draws to a close, while simultaneously forging new paths for the one to come, in one seamless motion. As if! Balancing those two ideologies requires an adroitness of spirit, clarity of mind, and a color coded schematic that i don't possess.

And so i approach every new year with a... quixotic pragmatism. On one hand i welcome the notion that a new year brings with it excitement, opportunities, boundless joy and infinite blessings. I hope. I yearn. I lust. I crave. I envision all sorts of delightful promise on the basis of a new revolution around the sun. However, on the other hand... i realize that the new year will most likely be similar to the old one. We bring too much baggage with us - even when we think we don't -to truly be expecting a "tabula rasa" when the clock strikes twelve. The supporting cast members of our lives may change, the scenery may differ, but overall, it's the same storyline featuring the same protagonist. (All the world is a stage you know.)

I call it the MC Escher clause of existence.

Regardless, im still looking forward to the new year. Even with all my baggage in tow. [I'm over 25, i can't fake like i don't have baggage any longer. lol. It's classic Louis Vuitton though. *wink* ] Despite empirical evidence showing that last year's recurring themes - the good, the bad and the meh - are bound to show up in the next, im giddy with anticipation. I'm both a stubborn dreamer and jaded cynic. I am large, I contain multitudes. Ya gotta love me!

So my chickadees, i offer up a toast:

Here's to better mistakes, the freedom to contradict yourself with impunity, artistic triumph, unexpected epiphanies and total confusion. Here's to selflessness that nourishes your spirit, and selfishness that gives you edge.

Here's to idealism that keeps you going, the silence that keeps you sane, the wisdom that keeps you focused and the distractions keep you laughing. Here's to embarrassment. Here's to achievement. Here's to love. Here's to being loved. Here's to finally getting it. Here's to not having a clue. Here's to having the courage to laugh at ourselves, to critique ourselves when necessary, to forgive ourselves regularly, and to try again, always.

Here's to all of you reading this post. Here's to the two minutes you took to read that you won't get back. Don't think i don't appreciate it. Seriously. :)

L'Chaim!

Chicago Transit Authority - Beginnings