MOTIVATION

LOVE the Kim.

A few things:

We are the same height.
We are the same weight(or...will be. once i figure out how to control my need for sweets)
We are both brunettes.
We both have big....families.

(btw BOTH is a weird word. say it five times in a row and see if i'm lying)

I was lazy today, ready to scorn my workout, but its pictures like these that remind me what physical heights i might achieve with a little bloodsugarsexmagik.

MY THINGIE NEEDS A WHATCHAMACALIT

The internet is killing my attention span. I'm not sure when it started happening, but its driving me to distraction. (tee hee. i made a funny!) Tonight, after my workout, i decided that i would sit for an hour, and just READ. I love to read. Reading is what I do. To know me is to read me. Me and books are besties, and oh how i have neglected them. So tonight for an hour, no external stimulation. No tv. No radio. No internet. No phone. Just me, myself and i. Oh, and the book.

I curled up in the wing chair with a lightweight blanket draped across my lap and opened up "cloud atlas." Cloud atlas is a book i've been trying to read for about a month. I took a sip of chamomile, got all snuggly, and for approx five minutes i stared @ the words, ostensibly reading - but not really.

My mind was wandering.

JCrew is having its final sale, and if i don't hurry and buy the dress i really want my size will be gone.

Speaking of dresses, my grandparent's 60th anniversary gala is coming up and i have nothing to wear. I am going to hate myself if i wait until the last minute. Oh i guess i could lose abt 5 lbs too.

My hair is a hot mess, i need to wash it, but i'm too lazy tonight. i'll just throw it in a ponytail tomorrow, its supposed to rain anyway.

I should check my myspace page, its almost a month since i've been on that thing, i wonder if i've gotten any new requests.

omg is that a mosquito? ugh i should twitter that a mosquito is in my house..

Oooh its almost time for dancing with the stars, i wonder how kim kardashian will do tonight. She was kind of stiff last week and her song choice was terrible but...

*shakes head, tries to go back to reading*

- Thursday 7th November

Beyond the Indian Hamlet, upon a forlorn strand, I happened on a trail of recent foot prints...

Hm what am i going to wear tomorrow? transitional season dressing is such a chore. Is it too early for boots..?

Wait, I'm doing it again! WTF is up with my attention span? i need to blog about this...

So now i'm here, blogging about it. Its sad you guys. There was a time when i would devour a book in a day or two. Not a namby pamby book either. I'm talking the heavy hitters with upwards of 600 pages in smallish print. Now? I get distracted even reading a magazine (Except for Allure and US weekly go fig.) I was never an ADD kid, so its like, how did i unlearn how to focus on one thing at a time? I need answers. The internet always has answers. So i started googling(while composing this blog. see i can't even do THAT without distraction.) Apparently i'm not alone.

Stephen Colbert recently had a guest on his show who was talking about the potential deleterious effects of web 2.0. The guest was Nick Carr, and his book is "the big switch". He got little time to really expound on his theory - this was the colbert show after all - but from what i gathered, he may be on to something. According to blurbs i've read, his book espouses the idea that computers have fundamentally changed the way the common man thinks. Now that might elicit a "duh" from most people, but i think there's more than the obvious implications of that statement. Speaking for myself, there's a marked difference in the way i process information, from say, even as recent as 2000. In 2000, i still was dialing up. i wasn't on teh IMs and i wasnt well versed in teh googles. :( See? But its more than than typing in leet and thinking in soundbytes. My thought process mimics the way i use the internet: a million tabs and windows open, thoughts rarely completed before a new one arises, always parsing. I realize that multitasking can be beneficial, but at some point enough is enough. All those things at onece means that something is going to fall by the wayside. Anyway i'm going to purchase his book to see what he's talking about. Meanwhile, its back to cloud atlas. I'm not going to let the temporary lapse get the best of me. but first, let me see what banana republic's sales are looking like...

LIL WAYNE IS CAPABLE OF LUCID PROSE?

Well bust my buttons! © Emerald City Doorman

The Patriots aren't going to be fine. I expected this to happen even before Brady got injured. I've been skeptical for a while now. They lost their drive. They used to go out there and crush people, playing good football every Sunday. You could see when they were winning how great they were playing, how hard they trained and how disciplined they were. But then it became about 'who is this person dating' and whatever, and that's when I thought this would happen. I'm not going to say they're distracted because they're professionals. But when it becomes about all that other stuff it does take away from just going out and playing good football.

- Lil Wayne on the patriots

ESPN has given weezy a blog. Mhmm yup. While its dubious that few people could have blessed the listening public with gems such as:

"Call me Mr. President or call me Mr. Ever Care or Mr. Everywhere or Mr. Never Care or Mr. Never Scared",

"I make her feel right when its wrong like lying"

or the hall of famer: "wobbledy wobbledy"

- I am surprised that anybody would want him to "write" for like...serious. But you know what? I read his musings, despite my misgivings, and to be honest, they weren't half bad. He's nowhere near as polished as my homie RM, but thats to be expected. What's so amusing is the image of Mr.Carter behind a desk, sipping on sizzurp while pecking away at the keyboard. His english was decent even. I'm amazed that he had subject verb agreement, AND he used the proper spelling of "they're". If he was assisted in his writing, they did a great editing job. His paragraphs had nice rhythm, the grammar was decent, but just enough errors were left to make it seem authentic. Then again, maybe it was authentic. Maybe thats just my snob surfacing; assuming that he isn't capable of articulating his thoughts. No one knows who Wayne really is behind the posturing, fronts, and promethazine. Perhaps, with a little training he could become a great sports writer. It was kind of nice to see this softer side of Wayne, like it made him seem a little less, i don't know, INSANE. He blogs with heart. Basically what i'm trying to say is that i think i'm falling in love with him.

SELECTIVE BOURGIE-NESS

As most of you have gleaned by this point(you being my two or three -generous i know - readers) i am somewhat of a snob. Now, now, before anyone begins judging me harshly, let me first give the disclaimer that i'm not a hardcore snob. For instance, i would never get offended if someone thought i lived below sunset(thats if i lived in cali) and i would never say with disdain: "do you KNOW who my father is???"

(i watched clueless the other day and now my cup runneth over with quotes)

The fact of the matter is, i'm too broke, too unconnected, and well, too mannered to put on those kinds of airs. Not to mention, yo soy muy amable. :)

My selective snobbery comes to play in little things, like judging folks by the way they hold their utensils. I had a coworker who held her fork, spoon, knife with a closed fist. YES. If you're picturing mikey from the life commercials, you're on the right track. Only I DIDN'T like it. Believe me, watching her use utensils was extremely distracting. It was like her motor skills never progressed beyond the age of five. Gross.

Speaking of motor skills...what about those people who hold their pens and pencils at the very point? I cannot stand that. It seems like it should make your hand cramp. Then its like how did you get through 12 years of school and four years of college AND NOT BE ABLE TO HOLD A WRITING INSTRUMENT CORRECTLY??

Yes, i'm a snob, i'm bourgie, i'm pedantic about those kinds of things. Hate me now.

So today, i happened upon a discussion today about buffets. It was during this discussion that i realized i don't feel the same way about a buffet that i do about say...Red Lobster. I'm way less pretentious. A buffet is not my first pick as far as dining is concerned, but i'll tear up the food from one in a minute.

Obviously red lobster has a few things going for it or else it would have gone out of business. There's the cheddar bay biscuits, the...the...the..cheddar bay biscuits, and um...well...ok. Let me stop. The seafood is tasty for what it is. Enjoyable comfort food in herman melville inspired decor. Well then whats the problem? I think its because red lobster is marketed as part of the upper echelon of chain restaurants, and its clearly not. I mean for what it is its decent, but there are so many other seafood places that have GOOD seafood at the same price.

In elem school, i'd hear about kids going to Red Lobster for birthdays and other special occasions. In those days my parents weren't hardly trying to take five kids out to a restaurant. We were more of a order in than dine-out bunch @ that time, so i never got to experience RL in all its mythical glory. By the time i reached HS red lobster had become the go to spot for all the hot dates. You know, 16 yr old shaniqua and her 22yr old(don't tell my mom!) boyfriend were going there for their 3 month anniversary. In my mind that Red Lobster was a classy dining establishment. Unfortunately, when i finally went - i was disappointed. I expected more.

At a buffet though, there is no pretense. You come to get all you can eat for a set price. This is not five star dining, its five stone dining (meaning you'll be approx five stone heavier when you leave) Good old honest overeating, and really who can be bourgie about that? I can't. Although i'd appreciate it if parents would curb their kids while dining. There's nothing worse than getting up to get another piece of baked chicken or more salad, and seeing some grubby kid with his(or her) nasty fingers all over the serving tongs. Running through the islands like they have no home training. Yuk.

Anyhoo, speaking of overeating, i also learned today that Golden Corral is a buffet! Who knew? I have passed signs for that restaurant so many times while driving on I-95 its not even funny. I never gave it a second thought. Of course i went straight to the website, and by the looks of their menu the next time i'm near one i will be smorgasbording.

And then its like, i LOVE cracker barrel. I will plan road trips by cracker barrel stops. While waiting to be seated i browse the country store, and during the winter months i'll request a seat in front of the fireplace so i can eat my country fried steak in front of a friendly flame. Asking for extra biscuits and cornbread. No shame in my game.

*blink*

Pretty much.

I don't get it either.

(P.S. As you probably noticed, i changed my layout, i wanted something even more minimal and clean. what do you guys think?)

*POPS COLLAR*

I get geeked at the most random things. Well this is not that random, but still. Anyway, i was doing my usual post luncherie surfing to combat the desire to sleep, and i decide to youtube some salsa. Well i came across this couple making it do what it do, and i was watching them, mouth agape, when i realized: hey...i'm just as good, if not better than they are! I've come a long way from my first lesson, where my lack of rhythm betrayed my skin color and my two left feet confused all who thought i was anatomically correct.

So this couple is just amateurs, dancing for fun, but boy do they look good. (check for the ill spin at :17 i can do that too! :D lol)

AUTUMN SEXY

So today is the official first day of fall.

Yeah i know.

I mourn(per usual) for the lazy hazy crazy days of summer that seem to have gone as quickly as they came. Tonight there's even a slight chill in the air thats allowing me to wear a pair of leggings,(with a hole in the right thigh how did that happen??) and a long sleeved over sized shirt without a hint of discomfort.

However, despite my hatred for the season that follows it, fall is a contender(da) with summer for my favorite season of the year.

I feel sexier in fall. I think for the reason that its finally time to put clothes on! During the summer its entirely too warm to be all covered, so i bare arms, but with misgivings. Don't get me wrong, i LOVE not being bundled, but as someone who is ever aware of every physical flaw, the constant exposure can be a bit tiring. After approx three months of squeezing, sucking, nipping and tucking, its a relief to be able to wear garments that not only look good, but also double as camouflage for my excess avoirdupois. And frankly? Its a salve on my weary eyes and soul that some of you guys will be covering up too. I won't get into the woman i saw wearing shorts so short they were almost inside of her. Not hating, just stating. Not to mention, if i don't do a good job moisturizing, its not the end of the world. A pair of tights is an easy remedy. Forget to shave my underarms? No problem. Long sleeves do the trick.

So sexy.

I mean i can't wait to wear turtlenecks and blazers, boots and that cute leather motorcycle jacket i bought on sale in may. Rock a scarf without looking like a trendbot, and kidskin gloves for function as well as form.

*rubs hands together in anticipation*

Speaking of fall i made my first soup for the season tonight using leftover roasted turkey. It was fitting as i am suffering from mankinds common malaise; a cold. If i do say so myself, it was the bombdotcom. Flavorful and delicious, filling and nutritious.

The eagles won yesterday and though im still irritated at the unnecessary loss to the cowboys, i'm happy with the 2-1 record. Phils are like 3.5 games ahead of the mets too. It looks like autumn is getting off to a great start.

...well except for the whole wallstreet implosion thing.

OH, AND BY THE WAY...

Moving on up! (Philly we made it!)

Happy friday meine liebes.

Joe Jackson - steppin out

...AND SUDDENLY, ACROSS THE GLOBE, ECONOMICS MAJORS HAVE A NEW LEASE ON LIFE

My boy is frothing at the mouth at the sudden downturn of the global economy. You know, one of those people who could prognosticate our bleak future. On some: "i knew it..." "i told yall..." Or the great: "I've been saying this for years!!"

To which i respond: "you're only 29 you don't have a rep yet"

He majored in economics and believe me, this current crisis is ambrosia to him. Suddenly his degree is worth something (I KID) and talking to him is like being in Mr. Marks' class all over again. Except my boy has (some) social skills, has never been to china, and doesn't sport hair plugs. *shivers*

I IMed him to ask a question about the DOW and S&P(basically, what are they) and no lie, for the next five minutes i got what amounts to a dissertation, instant message style. It was great, i love when people spread the knowledge about anything, but still. I was the emetic and with little coaxing he vomited up all his book learnin's.

Dude was like a surfeit of knowledge and was bent of sending me a treatise and i was all "whoa whoa i just wanna know whats the deelio with WaMu?" lol

It was like all the teasing he suffered for his choice of was now negated due to the fact the he, and others of his ilk are going to be the pillars preventing the economy from total collapse. Of course he's working at a call center but who am i to poo poo his dreams. (he's not really working at a call center just jokes)

My chum was so happy to be of service. He was like my very own less powerful, less white and less old Bernanke.

Seriously its a shame because all this gloom and doom about the economy has me utterly confused. I really have no idea whats going on. All the NPRs CNNs Charlie Rose's and my late night david schoumacher binges have proven futile. I've learned a lot, but i know nothing. Clearly.

QUICK QUESTION

How touchy feely are you with your girls?

So...i'm confused. Is feeling up your girls whats hot in the streets? I know that women are more tactile with their displays of affection than men, but that?^^

Que dice mi gente.

Pour moi? Well, I love my girls. when we go out and are laughing, joking and side-eyeing, our get togethers are like a general mills commercial. All we need is some phoebe snow and a haunting melody. No, we're not all cut from the same cloth(chinchilla) but we all love each other to pieces.

As for touchy feeliness? I'd say its moderate. I mean i've sat on my girl K's lap, locked arms with my other girl A(not the same girl from the awful blind date) Cried into my girl S's shoulder, and poked my girl T on her butt.

(fun fact: i poke all my girlfriends on their butts. My grandma and mom and sister and my cousin(s) too. Just walk by, index out and... *poke*. It's hilarious. And squishy.)

Anyway i'm doing my daily gander @ the party pic websites and a common theme among the ladies featured is the constant groping and cuppage...of each other. It is my contention is that very few - if any - of these women have the gay. Its a bunch of likkered up chicks who like to do the grabby grabby, hoping if they play the part well enough, they might get chose.

My friend pulled that once, we were out and all of a sudden she decided it would be cute to grab my butt. Like not just grab but GRAB. A bunch of us were at my boy C's house, the lights were low-ish and everyone was doing their best to be "sexy"(including me but this ain't bout that lol). So anyway i'm getting off the el cheapo leather(look) sofa (sidenote: if your furniture came in a set - like sofa, end tables, a recliner, lamp, ottoman, tv and area rug for like some ridiculously low price of like 115.38 i will be judging you.) Anyway i slide off his sofa in order to get another piece of pizza, and as i arise she grabs a large chunk of biscuit and just squeezes. There was a brief pause in movement when i realized it was her palming my cheeks, but i didn't want to rain on her (gay)parade, so i didn't say nothing.

These were the days before everyone had a digi camera, and there was no myspace or facebook to document the gayelle grope. Later on that night i inferred the reason for her sudden "amorous" attentions, her crush was there. Well thats genius. Get his attention by pretending to be gay with me.

I guess it worked because they wound up being an item...briefly.

So ladies what say you? Do you do this? Fellas, do you like this?

THE SKINNY

so it turns out that i know the guy that decided to go berserk on the unsuspecting sleeping passenger on the subway train. You know how u see craziness on the news and you're like: "maaaan i hope i don't know that *term of endearment*"

Most of the time you don't but then there's that one situation where you do. Unfortunately in this case i knew that *term of endearment*. Bugged right? So i'm talking to my brother on the eye-emz and we're both amazed that we know this *term of endearment*. I mean he sat on our porch and stuff. When he a was nice normal kid, we played together. wtf yo?


****

Facebook is now available for my phone(treo) maybe i'll step boldly into 2006 and finally register for an acct. Maybe.

Cleaned off my dresser tonight and found five dollars in quarters and dimes. That don't make no sense for it to have been cluttered like that i know, so poppa don't preach. Anyway its nice to have some loose change. Now i have juice money!

Qtip has a video out for his new track getting up. You guys like it? I do. it didn't blow my mind, but i dig it. Its chill. Of course the abstract can do no wrong so i may not be without bias lol. mp3 here: getting up

SINCE EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE ON THE HADRON COLLIDER'S JOCK...

all in the video... © Big suge

Today was a great day for me and others of my kind. It provided us with the opportunity to wax poetic on a subject we really enjoy, without appearing to be pompous. Or weirdos. Or both.

Schlemiel Schlimazel.

Anyway, today's topic dujour(is that redundant?) being what it is, i figured i take this time out to release my inner eddie deezen.

The beauty of CERN and other particle accelerator labs is that they allows us to peer into the infinitesimal. In the early 1900s the belief that the atom was the smallest unit of matter was shattered, being replaced with the knowledge that the atom itself is made up of even smaller fragments: electrons that revolve around a nucleus.

Not long after that it was discovered that even those can be broken down further and now its believed that all matter is made up of three building blocks: electrons and two types of quarks.

Here is where CERN comes in.

CERN houses several large particle accelerators that allow physicists to analyze the forces acting between them.

Imagine it this way: A ball is exchanged between two players. Depending on the sport, a different ball is used. football, basketball, baseball. In the same manner, each force has its own carrier-particle. The accelerator allows the scientists to study these particles.

Before a particle can enter the Hadron it must undergo preliminary acceleration in a smaller machine which will allow it to reach over 99% of the speed of light in a vacuum. Powerful electromagnets are used to keep the particles in a circular path, preventing them from flying into the thick walls that are used to absorb dangerous radiation.

Particles have a tendency to spread, and because of this they mustbe squeezed into a dense narrow beam by focusing magnets. Think lighthouse, and how its lenses are used concentrate light into a far reaching beam. Each time the particles go around they receive an additional supply of energy, that once allowed to deviate from the current trajectory, will be used to bombard a target.

A portion of the energy released in this collision between protons and their target particles results in MATTER*. Thats right. MATTER. In a collider, energy is converted to matter.

*wipes drool*

Some facts in brief:

Electrons: Particles with a negative electric charge equal to that of the proton and a mass nearly 2,000 times less. An electron moves about the nucleus of the atom, with the number of electrons matching the number of protons.

Protons: Particles with a positive electric charge equal to that of the electron. A constituent of the nucleus of every atom. The nucleus of hydrogen has one proton.

Neutrons: Particles with nearly the same mass as the proton but with no electrical charge. The other constituent of the nucleus of all atoms except those of hydrogen.

Quarks: Particles believed to be the basic constituents of protons and neutrons. Quarks do not exist singly but always in combination with other quarks. Each has an electric charge, either one third or two thirds that of the electric charge of the electron.

Bosons: Particles that transmit forces between other subatomic particles. A boson that leaves one particle is absorbed by another.

The purpose of all of this is to find the elusive higgs boson which was given the sobriquet of "god particle", named so because it is hoped that it will give scientists insight into what happened the moment after the "big bang". The moment when the universe began rapidly expanding in all directions.

(fun fact: big bang was a term coined by Fred Hoyle, a proponent of the steady state theory. His assertion was that there was no "big bang" only an ever existing universe. The discovery that the universe was expanding(see: redshift) proved to be a death knell for that theory, nevertheless Fred Hoyle was convinced of its validity until his death in 2001)

On Oct 21s the real excitement begins as the first set of collisions is set to start. Are you guys as excited as i am? You better be.

Sincerely,

Stephanie Hawking

*as far as i know not more than a milligram of matter has been produced. (physicists correct me if i'm wrong)

Also sprach zarathustra - Richard Strauss (cliche i know)

ENNUI

i wonder what Jay Z smells like. Like is he a cologne sort of dude, or does he just smell of soap and freshly laundered clothing?

Halle Berry has a better post partum body than i do pre partum. Magnificent chi- chis, tiny waist and killer gams. I want to hate but i can't.

Those weirdo commercials extolling the virtues of high fructose corn syrup are propaganda at is finest. I'm nowhere near a jerry fletcher but this campaign from the corn refiners association smells a little like cee-oh-enn spiracy

yesterday a gay man complimented me on my eyebrows and a straight dude complimented me on my existence. not that i live for compliments but those sure made my day. I payed it forward by telling a girl her hair was fabulous. I highly encourage everyone to compliment someone tomorrow. It'll make you feel good © that girl from the D.A.R.E commercials

jon and kate...plus eight is an addictive show. i can't let the remote pause, or else i'll watch the whole episode

i have a 280 dollar pair of chloe aviator glasses that i bought during the jay-z "give it to me" era. I think i wore them twice. (yes i know i was on some other ish but this ain't bout that) anyway, is it too early for me to wear them ironically? I would pop the rhinestones off to make them less dated but thats part of their charm. Maybe i should just eat the L put them up and save them for my daughter. :(

I joined twitter one month ago, started twitting two weeks ago and i've been a lost cause ever since. lol. are yall on? come follow me! © usher

BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING IT:

I give you this - which i'm sure you've seen a million times already:




"HOW CAN SHE SLAP?!?"

There's beauty in those words people. Those are the words that i've been looking for my entire life; the words that embody pain and pleasure and frustration and irritation and exasperation and when i'm at my wits end and ready to pull hairs out. Its better than "serenity now!" I *will* be saying this whenever i'm having one of those "moments".

...and i must say i feel a bit sorry for dude. I mean how *can* she slap? Yeah yeah men hitting women is not cool, but neither is just cold clocking a bro. She should have known better than to think she could just slap him and it would be all good. (some)Men are crazy and you never know which one will slap you back on some reflexive verbs type ish. lol @ dude in salmon colored shirt and 'spenders coming over to homegirl to check and see if she's ok. Other than having her self esteem slapped clear to patagonia i'm sure she was fine.

LACTOSE AND LECITHIN

This entry is about biscuits.

No, not the "grab em in the" kind - though we can discuss that on another occasion - but rather, the kind that you bake in the oven.

Why biscuits? Well its because i've been craving them since the day before yesterday, and if it hadn't been so hot outside i would have made a batch...twice. However, no air in the kitchen(don't laugh) and a 400 degree oven is not a very good time, even with the window and back door open.

I tried it once, and wound up looking like this:

(stank faced and sweltering. taken right before i wailed on the photographer :P)

So...instead of baking them, i'll blog about them.

Its my opinion that every person worth his/her iodized salt should know how to bake a mean biscuit. In a world(peace don lafontaine) where "artists" with the name "bow wow" are doing sex scenes(do! not! want!) and a kid by the name soulja boy tellem may or may not have a gay sex tape, its nice to experience the relative simplicity and innocence that a biscuit provides. I've never met anyone who doesn't like biscuits*(though i'm sure there are some weirdos who do) and its a simple enough recipe that once mastered, is a nice addition to any repertoire.

Now i went out for a run at the local track tonight. You'd think that all that heavy breathing and my creaky knees would distract me from my biscuit quest, but no. All i could think about those tender moist circles of fluffy goodness. I know, i was being a real lard-a$$ but can you blame me? They are soo good. Bursting with country fresh flavor even.

My recipe is my grandmom's. Time tested and family approved, i'd put her biscuits against anybody's - even yourn. After seeing her make them all my life, at the age of about 20 i decided to give it a go for myself.

They turned out horrible.

The shortening to flour ratio was all off, making them more cookie-ish than anything else(later on my brother also tried his hand at making biscuits with the same result lol) But i didn't let that temporary set back make me give up. (lol @ how i give up on everything else, but food? food i'm in for the long haul.)

I kept at it, and well...you better believe that now i can make durn good biscuit. Not braggin, but yeah. I'm not going to claim they're as good as grandmoms, but should something happen to her, leaving her unable to make her biscuits anymore....well, i'd be more than happy to take up where she left off.

Anyway, this entry is making me hungry so i'm going to end it here.

But yeah, learn to make your biscuits.

Goodie Mob - Soul Food

*just remembered that my uncle doesn't eat biscuits. tsk.

SOON CAME MORE QUICKLY THAN I THOUGHT

So, i dreamt of my ex last night. Yeah, pretty much. I don't know what brought it on, but i'm assuming it has something to do with the excessive amounts of bbq i consumed over the weekend that i'm *still* trying to digest - thus bequeathing me with all kinds of restless nights and a bad case of heartburn.

Indigestion. The gift that keeps on giving.

*pops tums*
Anyway, its interesting how people have a way of making an unexplained appearance in your dreams. Your mind's version of a protracted opera, its complete with an ever revolving cast of characters. Sometimes their connected, sometimes not, oftentimes an appearance is downright weird. I've had dreams featuring stephen hawking,(ok that's explainable) the guy who I would see so often at 18th and market during my lunch break that we became friends - of a sort(fruit any good at the fruit truck today?), dreams featuring a brief encounter -(the cashier at walgreens) and a random movie star (burl ives? wtf...really? lol)

So last nights dream featured the Ex.™ Ok, great.
It was one of those dreams where the setting is one place but that place looks awfully similar to something else. In this case we were at the supermarket, but the supermarket really looked like an amusement park. At least thats what i *think* it looked like. The aisles were made of blacktop and about 30 feet wide.

We were talking about...something...i can't remember(oh how i wish for the days when i could remember dreams in explicit detail!) but i know that i could hear his voice clear as day, all the vocal inflections that endeared him to me were there. I saw his form in front of me and i remember feeling this pleasant calm at the situation. It seemed so real.

And then i woke up.

I lay in bed for a moment, staring into the darkness. Sitting up, i looked over, peering at my clock, and tried to read the arabic numerals with eyes that didn't want to focus.

3:30 AM.

It took me a second to get adjusted to my surroundings, to become fully awake, and recall the dream. Once i did that, i felt something i haven't felt in a long while:

Sadness.

When we first broke up, i was a wreck. I spent two weeks being an ambulatory cliche; red rimmed eyes, no appetite and wallowing in sorrow. I *finally* understood what toni meant as she bellowed in her velvety contralto -"i shall never breathe again." (heretofore that song was infinitely skippable, actually it still is - but nevertheless i felt her pain.)

Going to work was a trial. TPS reports? Who cares! Can't you see i'm heartbroken?? I thought i was above being hurt the way i was hurt. I was wrong. The pain was palpable, intense in a way that no physical pain has ever come close. I had underestimated my ability to feel grief - and was brought low low low(shorty got). Like the straight A student who is humbled as s/he receives his or her first failure. You sit there looking at your report card in complete shock.( i speak from experience. I will never forget OR forgive you Mr. Meroney!)

I *had* been a straight A student in affaires de coeur. Up until the Ex™ every one of my "situations" had ended amicably, and though there never was reached the platonic level of an elaine and jerry, i always knew i could call a former just to say hello. At the very least i would never feel compelled to duck and run if i should see one of them walking the street.

But this relationship was different. I loved hard, fought hard and then loved even harder. I hesitate to label us dysfunctional, when on the contrary i feel we were on par with the average couple. No keyed up cars or rison-ing over here. It was more that we were both bullheaded people with strong personalites. And when the time came for us to really *give*? Well neither of us exhibited the maturity required to be the first to say "uncle". Then again maybe that is dysfunctional. I don't know. I'm not trying to analyze it, it just was.

The break up was messy. Im ashamed at how it all went down, really. Years of intense love stripped down to reveal a congealed mass of insults and deliberate jabs to our emotional achilles'. We knew where to hurt each other, and we did.

The vile words flew out my mouth(no expletives just cutting *cutting* words) and as i said each one, i was thinking: "what are you doing? what are you saying? You don't mean it!" But i doggedly kept on, because he had hurt me, and i wanted to hurt him back. And because i hurt him, he wanted to hurt me. We were adults acting like squabbling children. It was too much to be borne.

(at first i thought i'd share some of the things being said, but no. I joke about you guys seeing me as less that a paragon of perfection, but seriously. If i wrote some of the things i said yall would be judging me HOARD. And rightfully so. I can be brutal when provoked. :/ )

The tirade was done and we sat quiet, breathing heavy. My heart wanted to apologize but my mind wouldn't let me. Instead, i opened my mouth and these two words flew out:

"Its over." My trump card.

I don't know what i expected; a "baby baby please"? tears? abject apologies?

Instead:

"Fine."

He uttered that word with such resolve and finality that i knew there would be no turning back. If nothing else, i knew him and i knew when he made up his mind.

I flinched inwardly, but outwardly kept the game face.

And just like that we were done. I wish I could say we broke up over cheating or something equally as egregious and..."tangible" - for lack of a better word, but there was nothing like that. It was complicated, but not in the traditional way. Perhaps if we had been more willing to be mature, we could have weathered the storm.

I tried calling him over the next few weeks in a feeble attempt to make up. He wasn't having it. When he wasn't ignoring my calls he would pick up and brusquely say: "i'm busy." I was playing myself but i didn't care.

Oh...this must have been the desperate plea Erykah was talking about. I was acting so unlike myself that sitting back thinking about it i'm amazed.

Then one day i called, and much to my surprise, he was talkative. And pleasant. It was almost like old times. We conversed for a good 10 mins, superficial stuff of course ( i wasn't trying to scare him away with declarations of everlasting love) when he abruptly interrupted our idyll:

"I gotta go."

"go?" I was confused. Weren't we having a good conversation?

"Yeah." No explanation.

"Why?" It was a plea despite my effort to keep the question emotionless.

"I have a date." I could hear the smirk in his voice. "She'll be here any minute."

There are no words sufficient to describe what i felt at that moment, or, if there are i am not aware of them. A lump formed in my throat, that as much as i swallowed wouldn't go away. In our weeks of broken-upness, i never considered him moving on. I thought were simply doing a dance; the dance that star crossed lovers do, while slowly work their way back into each others lives. My vanity never considered the possibility of him being attracted to another woman. Or another woman being attracted to him. Not so soon anyway. Why didn't I? He was a good guy. He was good looking. Good job. Intelligent, sensitive. Did i really think those traits that attracted me to him would go unnoticed by others? Was i that arrogant to think that he would pine over me the way i was over him?

He interrupted my stunned silence:

"did you hear me? I gotta go."

And then:

"hold on a sec."

He put the phone down and i could hear movement - the sound of his floor creaking from beneath his feet, the door opening, and...a woman's voice.

A few seconds later he came to the phone.

"yo."

"yeah...?" I said softly. I could feel myself teetering on the verge of hysterics. I wanted to scream and cry and say i'm sorry and tell him how much i loved him. All the things i refused to say when i had opportunity. I was ready to let loose and have an effie white moment, and i didn't care if anyone else heard.

...But something stopped me. Some semblance of dignity, a feeling of self worth that wouldn't allow me to efface myself in such a manner. I swallowed back my desire to carry on. My shoulders slumped in resignation. The fight that i had for *us* was no longer in me. My continued overtures were not welcome. I was defeated. I had lost and he had won. I had broken us up in a fit of capricious one-upmanship and i wouldn't be able to reverse that damage. I gambled and lost. He moved on and it was time i did too. I felt a lone tear well up and then make its way southward.

There were questions, so many questions. who was she? Was it someone he knew before we broke up(please no), or someone he recently met?(the lesser of two evils) was she black? white? other? Was she pretty? Prettier than he used to say i was? Did he tell her about me? Was she laughing at me as the desperate ex girlfriend? Is she better at --

"I gotta go" he reiterated. "bye Alexis."

We never talked again.

His number is still emblazoned in my brain, even his parents number, and for a while i kept up with them, because i liked them so much. But then it was too much for me. I wanted to ask about their son, but i was afraid of the answers, so i didn't.

It took a few months but finally i got over it. And now, sometime removed from the whole affair, i can say with confidence: I'm good.

But then this dream happens and suddenly i'm wondering about him and what could have been, if only we tried.

In the darkness i saw my cell phone charging light glowing green.

What if...?

3:30 am and im contemplating calling him. No drunk dialing, no mind altering substance on which i can place the blame for the sudden desire to commit an emotional seppuku. BUG.GING. Yes, I was fully lucid, and contemplating calling an ex at three in the morning. I knew it'd be risky, but somewhere in the shadowy recesses of my mind i reasoned that he just might be happy to hear my voice. Or, maybe he's been thinking of me, missing me. Maybe he too is sitting on the edge of his bed, contemplating calling me as we form some weird synergistic-romantic-comedy-crap-sleepless-in-seattle-you've-got-mail- any-meg-ryan-movie tableau.

Or...maybe he's not.

Maybe i'm out of control and need to limit myself to one helping of the meat group at a bbq. I came to my senses.

So I laid back down, ignoring the urge. This too shall pass.

Sometimes you don't get closure.

Jay Z - Allure

OH.

I guess i'll feel like blogging soon?