THE QUANDARY OF THE PRIVATE PERSON

I'm not sure when it began.

Maybe it was when i was just a wee bairn, hanging with my cousin. She was (and still is lol) a year my junior. At the time we were inseparable, we wanted to do everything together. She was my first bff. When i was around 7, I noticed that because she was the more gregarious engaging one, people paid more attention to her. They laughed at her jokes, and in general, were awestruck by her presence. (yes we were kids and yes "they" were adults.) I didn't mind being the "oh... she's so quiet!" one because i loved my cousin dearly. But i couldn't help feel the shadow that descended upon me whenever we were together, and in the presence of others.

Maybe it was in elementary school, where i noticed that my perceived shyness was not an asset, but a detriment, and being *just* a good student would never win any hearts. Being quiet and respectful doesn't get you chalkboard washing privileges. (i don't know about yall but washing the blackboard was like *that* back in the day)

Maybe it was when i hit puberty and the combination of my natural reticence coupled with the woes of hormonal changes wreaked havoc on me. I felt clumsy, looked clumsy, and my retiring personality retired even more. I shrank inside myself because i was uncomfortable being in the forefront of anything.

Maybe it was a combination of all three experiences.

Whenever it started, the fact remains that along the way i became an extremely private person. While i have grown beyond my shrinking violet stage, I still find it hard to share "myself" with most people. Initially I was being reactionary. My experiences as a child and young adult had led me to believe that unless you are outgoing and vivacious, people are not interested in what you say, think or feel. Its so very easy to tune out the quiet voice of the girl (or boy) in the corner. What attracts more attention, the rooster or the peacock? I was always the rooster. Er, uh hen. But eventually, what was once reactionary was hard wired in my psyche. I found it easier to work out problems - big or small - by myself. My ruminations were just that, mine. I was always a thinker, but now i was a rampant self-effacer.

As a direct cause of being not listened to - i became a listener. Advice was never my strong point, but what i lacked in practical counsel, i made up for in my ear, and mental time. I was a confidante. A role i didn't mind, I felt honored that my friends felt comfortable enough with me to talk about things. Not because I was nosy (well maybe a little, don't judge me!) but because I genuinely care(d). On a deeper level, I think I found solace in being the listening ear that I never had the pleasure of experiencing. And because i never was the gossipy type, they could rest assured that whatever was told to me would remain between us. (vault baby!) On my end there was something empowering (ugh did i just type that? lol) about providing that safe haven for the for the talker.

But something has gone awry. People have begun to (erroneously) assume that because I don't talk about myself much, that its really because there is nothing to talk about. The white-bread-vanilla-pudding-friend with nothing going on beyond the facade. Slowly surely i have been reduced from a confidante to a sounding board - an echo chamber for the thoughts and feelings of (some)friends. I've relegated to a passive role in the conversation, and once the talker is done emoting... well, wham, bam thank you ma'am. Oh i can't finish too?

In theory i shouldn't mind i suppose, because, well, i'd really rather NOT discuss my personal stuff. With most folks anyway. BUT (and this is a big ol booty) at the same time, i'd like to know that i'm more than just a receptacle for vents, and that people actually care about what is going on with me. (even though its hard to get it out.) I mean when the people i listen to outweigh the people who listen? Houston, we have a problem.

I understand its partially my "fault". I don't give up much, so I can't be (too) mad if folks think of that as the status quo.

I remember a friend of mine telling me that it seemed I had everything together. this was met with an O_O on my part, because I am a delicious mess most of the time. But anyway, if he thought that... maybe others do too? Like maybe when you ask me how i'm doing you really don't need to wait for the answer because the assumption is that i am always doing fine?

But it really hit me that some folks view me as no more than a vessel for venting when talking to my homegirl last night. Now, she's the type that is always is in the midst of a "situation". Every situation is pressing and full of daytime drama. Work, men, money... you name it. She puts the giiiirl in girlfriend. Well last night,we weren't really talking about anything of import and my heart was kind of heavy. It was one of those rare occasions I felt like sharing. I mean shoot. I got situations too.

I started to dish.

Funny thing happened. Within a few minutes (and some mmhmms uh huhs forreals?) the convo got turned back on her. And not because she was going to assist me by relaying a related story. No. She was talking about herself.

What's worse? I automatically assumed the position of therapist/listener - because that is what I always do. I had easily slipped into my defacto role.

Inside though, I was heated. Like pissed. The one time i decide to be candid and you are so self absorbed you don't even realize?? Lemme tell you. It takes a lot to get me mad, but when this sister gets hot... boy how she sizzles. (plus five if you source that one) A few times i tried to steer the conversation back, but she was like Safe lite glass ® and my thought pebbles just bounced off of her.

...

Brutal, brutal simile i know. Forgive me.

It called to mind when i was 14 years old. I had this terrible terrible crush, and the dude called me. His lead off to our conversation? "I was bored and i decided to call you..." Now i was 14 at the time and he was 16 and i was smitten beyond words so the fact that i was his last ditch effort from dying of boredom didn't really phase me. But looking back? I'm like WTF? That was some rude slimy isht. Almost as bad as you calling someone and they telling YOU that they are gonna "let you go". LOL. But yeah, at the time, I was just ecstatic that he called. Of course that wouldn't fly today - "take your boredom thattaway!" But the common thread between both these incidents is that in both, my feelings were taken as of little consequence.

Fortunately the conversation with my homegirl was cut short by another call i had to take. One that was much more fulfilling, might i add. But i felt unsettled for the rest of the night.

Am i that unremarkable?

Of course the answer is no. Not to get all cee-lo and his perfect imperfections on you, but really, all of us are remarkable and worthy. Deep down i know that. I mean its not even deep down. Its a trueism that my mother has instilled in me since day one. I refuse to let cavalier treatment of me effect my self worth.

But i'd be lying if i said it didn't hurt.

Stevie Wonder - Superwoman (where were you when i needed you)

THE AUTUMNAL EQUINOX

So the autumnal equinox was today. While not exactly 12 hours of day and 12 hours of night (as the name equinox suggests), its is a remarkable day nonetheless. If you lived on or near the equator, you would have the distinct pleasure(that's if you're a nerd like i am) of witnessing the sun passing directly overhead. Not to mention its the only time of year (other than the spring or vernal equinox) when the sun rises due east, and sets due west. The other times of year the sun rises/sets north or south of east and west. Yes, we say the sun rises in the east and sets in the west but a more accurate term would be "easterly/western direction"

But you didn't come here for an astronomy lesson. At least i don't think you did. Not that i could give you one anyway.

Of course if you wanted to talk astronomy we could discuss how the star Antares will be in view tomorrow evening, in "close proximity" to the moon-- its about 520 lightyears away from the earth, vs the moon's distance of about 250k miles. It will have an orange glow.

But, I digress.

Its a bittersweet time of year, for me at least. On the plus side: There's the beauty of the changing of seasons, with the flora boasting their array of colors(i plan on putting my rudimentary photography skills to the test this year), football(monday night just regained its luster), and the excitement of cooking (i'm a seasonal chef - warm weather i cook less, but in the cool weather i stay in the kitchen) and the wonder that is a fall wardrobe (because underneath it all i'm still feminine and trenchcoats and boots! and newsboy caps and turtlenecks and wool pencil skirts and scarves are oh so wunderbar). Not to mention the cooler weather provides a plausible excuse for being (selectively) anti-social and holing myself up in the house listening to records with the fireplace blazing and a cup of tea (or three).

But the minuses- and oh what minuses there are! The cool - and not the sexy snuggle up with your boo for heat cool but the cut open a tauntaun and climb inside(i don't care how it smells) - nights. The shorter days, which with the new extended DST system we manage to stave off for a few weeks longer, but are coming nonetheless. And worst of all, that most odious time of year, winter. Naked trees, frozen appendages, snow, ice and HEATING BILLS. Yeah, winter sucks on toes. Its a shame that fall can't segue right into spring, skipping winter completely. Then fall would probably be my favorite time of year. Unfortunately, the fact that winter is on fall's heels takes away some cool points. You hear me fall? You coulda been a contenda! *shakes fist*

But, the intent of the entry was not to air grievances, which, as im sure you can attest, i excel (at).

...I'll save that for another entry ;)


Earth Wind and Fire - Sunshine

TIME OUT.

So over it.

Today I had one of my increasingly regular id vs. "cruel reality" mashups. This time i was musing on the fact that:

My youngest brother is 18, my sister is 23(married with a kid!), my middle brother is 25, and the brother right beneath me (that's right there are five of us) is 29. Yours truly is over 30... BUT not by much. lol. (that not much is soo important to me lol)

We's getting old. And by "we" i mean "me."

A few weeks ago i was talking to my baby brother about Allen Iverson and how nobody in the NBA seems to want him.

"I don't understand, he's still got talent. what's the problem?"

My brother in his 18 yr old wisdom, summed up the situation:

"He has talent but he's old! He wants to be marquee, but he can't. His days, sadly, are over."

"Wait... Allen is what? 34? 35?"

"yeah."

"that's old??

"Yes!" (oh to be 18 again and to be blissfully ignorant that its only a few restless nights, and long work days until you wake up looking 30 square in the face. lol)

He then looked at me and my raised eyebrow and realized his error. Though not the same age as Allen, (i'm a few years younger. just putting it out there) I am in the same age group. According to the laws of proxy - He had just called me old.

"I mean... old for a basketball player, not old in general."

Nice try at saving, but the damage is already done. Bredda.

But its not just about A.I. and his career trajectory.

Its about my newly developed concern about my *ahem* "regularity." Activia anyone? Prunes? Five years ago the state of my dumps was a non issue. But here I am blogging about it. And by blogging about it i am freely admitting i have dumps. The horror! Have I no shame?

It about how i no longer pale at the thought of getting into a line with a male cashier when it came time to buy "feminine products." Then? i'd search till i found a woman. Or not buy it at all. (yes yes i was a wimp.) Now? Please. I get in line with the smallest amount of people. And if a male is at the helm, so be it. Speed > Embarrassment. Now ring up my jumbo pack kotex. (what? it was a sale!)

Its about how nobody asks me if my name was inspired by the vixen-ish character on Dynasty anymore. The show is long over, Alexis Carrington and her conniving ways are a relic of yesteryear. My name, and the image it conjures up, is no longer is au courant. (For the record, my name was NOT inspired by the show - I was born before it came into existence. My momma is original!) But that information doesn't really matter because all of it is old news. I'm old news.

Its about how guys who are my age and who play sports are the veterans on the team. How my aforementioned brother asked me if i remember when Howie Long used to play football, and not just be a commentator. Its about how when i said yes, how it was like i said i remember the first telephone call. Its about how Troy Polomalu is still in his frikkin twenties!

Its about how my (same) brother's 17 yr old friend had a terrible crush on me, and kept asking about me, annoying my brother in the process. My brother finally told him how old i was (without my permission might i add lol), his response? "I didn't know she was that old!" :(

Its about how that hurt my feelings. Not that i was even the least bit interested, but it was like dang. DISSED! But then i remembered what i thought of people who were my age when i was 17. They were old.

Its about how enjoy looking in furniture stores and antiquing more than clothing shopping(though not by much). How home depot and Lowes are like totally fun place for me to be.

Its about how my nephew will only know Michael Jackson the same way i know Nat King Cole - a brilliant artist, but only a memory.

And so this evening i've been feeling a little ancient. The chill in the air has caused a bit of miasma to set in. But i'm not feeling blue i don't think, just contemplative. Earlier this morning i was commenting on how it felt like a school day. You remember. That first week of school where everything was new and exciting, the promise of reconnecting with old friends, and meeting new ones, the thrill of comparing rosters and hoping you got the good lunch period (at my HS it was 5th) the nervousness that comes with a new crush, and the excitement of new school books. (or was that just me?) This morning had that feeling. Of course, me being me - that thought followed its natural path, which led to thinking about getting older. You know how water seeks its own level? Well i'm like that, except everything goes back to age. Sad i know. Anyway i was thinking about how long ago i was in school. HS? Over ten years. Elementary and Jr. High? I'm not gonna even go there.

The years are accruing, and it ain't gonna stop.

Its about how i've seen fads come and go, and through it all i'm still rocking leggings and t-shirts and taking horrible pictures.

The more things change the more they stay the same I suppose.


Teena Marie - Aladdin's Lamp