OUT WITH THE OLD

In with the new.

Here we are, on the eve of a new year, in anticipation of...something. What are you anticipating? The jury is still out on that one for me.

I'm currently stuffed to the gills (I threw down tonight...my friends love me lol) and before i get ensconced(thats right Rashad...ensconced. i used that one just for you :]) in other activities i figured now is as good a time as any to reflect. At least for like 5 minutes or so.

I'm not sure what to expect from the new year, however i experienced a lot of growth in the 07 - so im hoping that will continue for in the 08. No...not poundage wise you haters! I mean growth emotionally materially, spiritually. You know, the ways mature adults are supposed to grow. And...more hate. Of Course.

What do you guys hope the new year will bring? Whatever you want i'm hoping you get it twofold, and if you don't get it, i hope you take it from somebody else. Please. Like i would condone stealing! SHADY!

Stay pink, soft and oily! Happy new year!

BLAH.

So it turns out that i wasn't just feeling sick, i was actually getting sick. Maybe the ringing in my ear was a portent? Btw, the ringing stopped later on that evening thank goodness. But yeah...some nasty little ho left his - yes HIS cuz we know women are cleaner than men - left his nasty little ho-germs somewhere, and i picked them up somehow during my travels. I'm thinking it was the weirdo cashier @ the supermarket. Yuck. I guess my bordering-on-obsessive-compulsive handwashing can't save me all the time. I wish i could find the little spaz who left his gr0ssness laying out for the unsuspecting public though. I'd like to give him a swift kick in the steak and potatoes.

Add my sickness to the fact that I also am suffering with cramps(yes THOSE kind) and i'm just having one humdinger of a weekend. Btw, if knowing that im dealing with a female "complaint" is TMI, then you can just get the heck out of my journal. No wait! I was kidding. Lets not be hasty. I love you guys.

OMG i'm so emo! Sorry yall.

Fearing that my immune system was wasting away from feeding my body stuff that had no nutritional value, and thus my illness, I decided to cook tonight. I made Indian tacos which are a yummy delight wrapped in goodness. If you've never had one, change that. Basically its a traditional taco, just replace your flour or corn tortilla with some fry bread. My fry bread was homemade and quite tasty. If you ever have some fry bread laying around, make sure to treat yourself to an indian taco. If that sounds gross to you, then eat it the regular way. If you don't want a taco at all then fine. Don't say i never did anything for you though.

not a pic of what i made, but a reasonable facsimile thereof

So back on topic...what was my topic anyway? I think this entry is just off the cuff. I guess i'll just end it here - besides i've got some working out to do and I procrastinated it enough. Normally i wouldn't workout because i really feel sick. But i ate like a pig tonight, so i can't rest on my laurels. I saw some pics from this past summer and i looked posolutely bovine. Whats sad is that i thought i was looking good too. Dang.

WHAT ARE *YOU* DOING HOME ON A FRIDAY NIGHT?

Don't you hate that question? What do you mean "what are you doing home on a friday night"?

I'm decompressing fool!

After a long week, my friday evening are usually spent regrouping. And you'd be hard pressed to get me out. For the most part, I chill on fridays.

Not to mention its raining here and that just deaded any zeal i had for being out and about. I got a text a few minutes ago; "do you still want to hang?" my response? "no"

Anyway, I feel a little sick too. Probably because i've been eating horribly all week and tonight i compounded it by treating myself the delicious disgustingness that is a liverwurst sammich. Im not one for offal but every once in a while i'll buy a 1/4 lb of this and go to town. Only thing is now i feel gassy and a mite gr0ssie. Bleh.

When I came home this afternoon I decided to take a nap in my guest bedroom. OMG...that bed is so uncomfortable! LOL. I've had guests sleeping in there too! I'm so appalled. I woke up like "what the...?" I had all kinds of crooks in my neck and shoulders, and i had only been asleep for an hour. My guests have slept entire nights. EMBARRASSING. I feel like i owe them an apology. You know they totally talked about me too! Hatin' hoez. Anyway, this means that I am going to have to shop either for a new mattress(yeah right) or some mattress pads(more like it). Anyway i don't feel *TOO* bad...because other than my bed of marbles my guests have every convenience when they stay with me. Two of which are cable and my delicious breakfasts. Look at me trying to assuage my conscience. Its working. Kinda.

I can't believe its almost 2008. It seems like just yesterday when there was all the Y2K buzz, and now we are just about eight years past that. A few people asked me what my resolutions were, and to be honest, I haven't given a thought to making one. I know there are a few things I can improve upon, but I haven't given any thought to any real resolutions. Its funny how everyone goes into the new year with such bright eyes and optimism, only to come out of it realizing it pretty much turned out like the year before it. :/

As you can see I changed my blog around a bit. I wanted something a little more sleek looking, and for now this fits the bill. Im thinking about having a custom designed template, but im not really that serious a blogger for all that. We'll see.

I SHOULDA DONE THIS SOONER!

In a fit of anger, I called my cell phone provider this evening.

A bill came in the mail today, and it dawned on me that even with the discount that i have through my job, i am still paying WAYYYY too much for my phone service.

Now i had heard that if you threaten to leave your cell provider/credit card company/hairstylist that most will make a play for you in order to keep your patronage. I decided to take a gamble on that premise tonight.

I called them hoes up and took on a pleasant-but-peeved role explaining to the customer service rep that I no longer wanted the services of the company, would like my contract canceled, and whats more, i refuse to pay any contract fees.

"Oh, I'm sorry ma'am"

She put me on hold, and then asked if i would mind being transferred to the department which would be able to handle my situation.

"Sure." I stated affably, but firmly.

The woman I was transferred to was American, no tell-tale foreign lilt in her voice. She asked me to explain what my concerns were and I reiterated the same things i told the initial CSR, and closed by saying that I wanted to terminate my service. She listened quietly and when I was done:

"My apologies Ms. _____. Would you please hold?"

"Sure."

At this point i was quite unnerved, wondering if i had gotten a little ahead of myself. What if she came back saying she had canceled my service?? Ugh. I'd be sooo salty. That would be terrible, because I certainly hadn't planned that far. Worst case scenario mode - i began mentally scrolling through the most recent cell commercials i'd seen, wondering which ones had the best plans. And omg I'd have to sign up for a new contract, and would they port my number -

"Ms. ______? We can give you free nights starting at six no charge, i have waived the monthly fee for unlimited texting, and we will give you an additional 20% off the 20% you are recieving through your employer. I have also changed the amount of your current bill due to reflect this."

??!?!?!?!!?!?! What? It worked???? It worked!!!!

I paused long enough to seem like I was really considering her offer.

"Well...that would be fine, thank you." There. Not too eager. Not too stalwart.

She seemed pleased, and thanked me for staying with the company, and asked me if she could be of anymore assistance. My Icarian tendencies reared their ugly heads. Had i conceded too soon? Perhaps if I held out longer, I could have negotiated to a bill of almost nothing?

"No, This is fine. I appreciate your efforts. Thanks again."

Successfully resisting the urge to push it, the conversation was ended there. What a coup!

With skills like this, I'm totally ready to start negotiating for hostages.

...Ok, not really. But, basically.

And then to top it all off, i did some more hula hooping tonight and managed to do a 360 degree turn while hooping! Everything is coming up roses this evening!

In fact, I feel so good that I may bless yall with a "Hey, Its Ok..."

Its just a crazy night!

SO...

For the last 45 minutes or so, I noticed that i have a slight ringing in my right ear.

And, though its only been that short amount of time, i'm already fighting the urge to get all dramatical and let my inner hypochondriac out

=(

ok...i did some research and tinnitus could be a sign of a tumor or aneurysm

omg.

i.won't.freak.out.

*takes breath*

I've got to distract myself, or else i'll drive myself to distraction.

Has anybody dealt with ringing in the ear? How long did it last? =(

im scurred yall.


Also OMG im eating like a friggin peasant tonight!

My dinner consisted of - hold on to your butts - fishsticks in a dinner roll with ketchup and a baked potato with sour cream

oh wait, a glass of tampico fruit juice to wash it all down

never has my plate looked more bland and unappetizing

i mean the food was good in itself but my mum would be ashamed.

nary a vegetable and a grillion starches. wait the potato is a veggie right?

eff it im counting the potato as a vegetable

lmao

oh dear i'm a mess this evening

:(

MY HIPS HURT

I wonder why.




Could it be...?




Dare I mention...?




Don't wanna brag but...








I got my HULA HOOP HOEZ!!!


yes. yes. YES. After months of seeking and not finding, my hula hunt ended early saturday evening. All these months of toiling finally paid off. I was in a Walmart about 5 miles west of east jablip when my hunt ended. Despite my countenance being at an all time low due to facing such defeats, i decided to ask the Walmart associate if they indeed had hula hoops at that store. This was my last try. If they didn't have it here, then i'm over looking for it in stores. Im just going to order it online. But lo! She paused, thought for a moment, and then led me to a stack of boxes near the bikes.

There, behind some pallets, lay gold. HULA HOOPS. I beamed. I thanked her profusely. I broke down and cried. I sang like a castrato. I grabbed a hula hoop and started doing it right there.

oh.

No not THAT. I was hula hooping you nasty guttersnipes!

I sucked. Had a lost it? Oh wait. Duh. You can't hula over a wool coat!

I am as happy as a lark. Rashad, i think i know how you felt when you got your jersey!

Now, technically, its not an official hula hoop - that name belongs to whamo - mine is called a "wave hoop" or some crap like that but I don't care. This hula hoop has officially made me sexier than 3/4 of the population.

I got home that night and hooped the heck out of that thing, and then woke up this morning hooping even more. I still got it yo!

Only thing is, my stomach muscles and hips are kinda sore, i guess from the movements required in order to keep the hoop in motion. I guess im not as in shape as I thought I was. Its a good hurt though, and I think im going to add hooping to my workout routine. Festivus miracles all around!

Don't hate. I can hula in a sheath dress. Can you???

MY FESTIVUS GIFT TO YOU!

The STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL!

Click this link to enjoy this trainwreck - i mean movie

So bad its...bad.

If you're a STAR WARS lover like I am, you know how elusive this is to find. I believe it was only broadcasted once.

Check out the random cameo performances by Diahann Carroll, Art Carney, and Bea Arthur. Rather motley group, no?

I mean they have Harvey Korman cooking Bantha rump roast. Tell me that isn't bizarre, disturbing and intriguing all at once?

Also, the commercials! The USSR still existed! GM was still number one! Valerie Bertinelli was still relevant! Fabian!

Its like a big fuzzy 70s blanket! So tuck yourself in, turn on the hi-fi, set the fondue on simmer and lets get cozy. Its going to be a wild ride!

Also, make it quick, before George Lucas finds out and forces me to watch jar-jar binks scenes on an unending loop....with my eyelids taped up.

The horror!

BTW, i'd say this is probably a good film to watch while high, but i don't do that stuff so i won't.

I'M SUCH A DITZ SOMETIMES

I have no idea where my sync cable is.

The last time i sync'd my phone was oh...over a week ago. Maybe two weeks.

So yeah, if its not where i usually put it where could it be? I scoured the house just now and haven't found anything.

I can't tell you how many times i've miss-placed remotes, books i was reading, jewelry, items of clothing...

And now this. I really need to update some stuff too. The worst thing about it is that i have NO idea of where it could be. I walked straight to where i keep it and it wasn't there. So now im just kind of at a loss. And i keep looking for it in the same place like it will magically appear.

Crap.


AND now that im looking for things, i realize that i haven't seen/am missing:

My Nikka Costa CD
My camel colored extra sexy yet classy boots(HOW do you lose boots???)
My Departed DVD
My Miles Davis Birth of the Cool CD
My EWF Keep your head to the sky CD

Now im pretty sure i packed all of these things when i moved a few months back, but honestly I can't remember seeing them since i got here.

Which means they can be anywhere.

I'm sure i did something with them. But what?

..Yeah I got nothing.

*sigh*

Man. Funk this. I'm going to bed.

Perhaps tomorrow everything will appear in their respective places.

I'M NOT YOUR SUPERWOMAN

No really...i'm not.

With just about every female proclaiming their abilities as an "every woman", (you know, raise 5 kids, singlehandedly no less!, be the CEO of a fortune 500, run marathons, be an active member of the PTA, change tires, bake cookies and still make it to susie's dance recital - on time) its hard to find a woman thats doesn't claim to be all of the above.

Well, let me be the first to admit it ©

My will is strong, but my flesh is weak. and dangit, i refused to be ashamed!

Don't get me wrong, I am quite capable with most things(my daddy taught me to change a tire @ 15), and im willing to learn and do more as each day goes by. But putting on the farce of being able to do it ALL? Thats just too much.

What inspired this topic is that i was talking to my boy today, and he was telling me how one of his friends was dying of love for me(soo not interested btw), but how he was too afraid to approach me because, in his words -

"she is so pulled together"

Now aside from him being scared to talk to me(what are we, 8th graders?) I'm thinking, pulled together? ME? If you only knew. On the outside, i may give that appearance, but word to paula abdul, i'm just scratching and surviving like everyone else.

(yall ARE scratching and surviving right? don't tell me i'm alone on this.)

I've heard this from other people too, one of my girlfriends was like:

"girl you really got your stuff together. You do everything and make it look easy."

Now of course its flattering, but at the time i feel this unbelievable pressure to keep up the facade. Like why do people think i have it all together? Seriously, everyday i'm five steps away from becoming a frazzled mess.

I have as many fears and concerns and feelings of inadequacy as the next person. But, I do know where my strengths lie. I think. Sometimes. And thats basically what i do, play up my strengths, on some "never let em see you sweat."

Like right now, i'm on my fake it till you make it grind. Hard. And slowly surely, im getting to wear i need to be. But, I don't have it all together. I can't do everything, and i'm not everywoman. Whats more? I don't want to be. My ex got to see me in all of my vulnerable and tender glory, and that was a freeing feeling. I miss that. Even with him, after we got together he said how he was nervous on talking to me because that i was seemed so calm and had everything under control.(he soon learned otherwise.)

Maybe its because women weren't allowed to be strong and independent in years gone by that so many work so hard in proving their competence today. And thats beautiful. We are strong, we are able, we are *cue chariots of fire theme here* brilliant.

But, like my aunt told me once;

"You can be anything...but you can't be everything."

I don't want to wear that many hats because frankly, my head isn't that big. (SHUTTY.)

...So, basically, this is a long winded way of saying that i need to get my oil changed and i don't feel like doing it myself, even though i can. Oh yeah I have a dishwasher that need installing too. Yeah...

NUDITY IS OVERRATED

Am I the only person left who wears clothing around the house?

I was talking to one of my girlfriends on IM earlier today and during the course of our conversation I learned that she walks around the house nekkid. Apparently once she enters her door after work she begins to strip, and for the rest of the evening she traipses around her crib in her birthday suit.

I can't get down with that.

According to her i'm a prude and too uptight, but I disagree.

There is a time and a place for everything, including nakey time.

Yeah yeah the human body is beautiful and all that, but walking around the house without any clothing on? Big no no.

And before anyone screams "don't knock it till youve tried it" please note that i did give it the ol' college try, but it didn't take. My dishabille lasted for about 2 hours before the urge to put something on could no longer be denied. Not to mention that it just seemed so contrived and ridiculous. Here i was, making myself a cup of tea, without a stitch on. What if there was an accident?? It was weird too, cuz the phone rang twice while i was in an au naturel state, and i kept wondering;

"can they tell im naked on the other end? Surely they know something is up."

Its not that i don't appreciate the unclothed human form, because it does have its purpose. But there's also good naked and bad naked. And call me puritanical if you want, but outside of an amorous situation, i can see no reason to just have your parts flopping around all willy nilly.

Plus, i feel i look better with a little clothing on(shoot most people do). Some festooning for the physique. Which is why though i balk at being naked, i can do the walk around in the underwear thing. In fact, I do that often. Its comfortable. But just walking around naked like im in some kind of tropical savannah?

No thanks.

WHEN DID JAY-Z GET SEXY?

Word on the streets is that it was December 15th, 2007 at approximately 0900 hours.

So yeah, i woke up this morning and discovered i had developed a "thing" for Mr. Carter and its kinda got me stuck. As Jay-Z the Artist i've been a fan since reasonable doubt, but being um...*bothered* by him as Jay-Z the Man, well i was was always like "i'll pass". I didn't see him as attractive or sexy at all.

Until now.

Perhaps its his 70's soul laden tracks on the American Gangster album, or his recent coups as a successful business or seeing him rocking that sweater with the shirt and tie and looking so urbane - but all of a sudden he's extremely attractive.

No. Not attractive.

This man is HOT.

Ya dig?

But yeah, this is what happens when you get up early in the morning, and start cleaning in your underwear, while listening to the AG soundtrack, accompanied by a jigga video block on VH1 soul.

:(

I shouldn't be surprised though, i always been attracted to cool and cocky. It was only a matter of time before Jay-Z got to me.

Beyonce? I see you girl. Ha.

(BTW he totally upgraded her. Did yall see her before they got together? She was a hot houstonian mess. Pretty face, her style was all off.)

WIDE AWAKE

So, like a dummy, I decided to go to bed this evening at the unreasonably early and decidedly elderly hour of 6:30. What am I? Seventy? Six hours later, i feel well rested and ready to take on the cruel, cruel world...at 12 midnight.

:(

But, instead of donning tights and becoming a superhero i'll just blog.

Opposite week has been going rather well i think. There have been a few acerbic slips here and there, but overall my concerted effort has proven to be worth it. Only thing is, i think my restraint has caused me to have uncontrollable sleepiness. Hence my going to bed at 6:30pm. Unless my lassitude is symptomatic of something else? Does the tsetse fly exist in the U.S. of A??

*cue paranoia here* lol

But yeah...perhaps my hating gives me strength? Kind of like Samson and his hair. Once it was gone, he was pitifully weak. Not to be comparing myself with Samson or nothin, but yeah. Without hate i'm a frail old lady. Curses!

The plan is to go to Sardinia next year, and i'm excited. I love the mediterreanean and as i've never been to this particular island, i have a feeling im in for a real treat. Its also *relatively* near tunisia, so depending on my pockets, and how reasonable the request is (distances always seem smaller on a map) i may be able to make a trip to carthage. neat-o! Traveling is so much fun. I just gotta make sure i keep up dem workouts. No Chunky Mcbigbuns on the beach.

Anyway, enough rambling. I really need to go back to bed, or i'll be absolutely NO good tomorrow. I'll finish watching this MST3K episode -Puma Man (thx youtube!) and try get some more shuteye. In fact i'll put my Enya CD on. That oughta set the sleepy mood. Good old celtic, new agey music. Once it stops frightening you, its a great soundtrack for slumber.

OPPOSITE WEEK

Can you go against nature?

Thats my goal for this week.

if every instinct you have is wrong...then the opposite must be right. (c) Seinfeld

Not saying that my instincts are wrong or nothing, because i've gotten this far with them. But every once in a while its nice to tone down the barbs and caustic wit. Because really,

I.
BE.
HATINNN. (c) ATCQ

And so dear reader, I give you my pledge that this upcoming week will be one filled with smiles, good natured humor, kind words, and the mellow yet flowery notes of your favorite prince matchabelli fragrance.

Its going to be difficult given the fact that most people and things annoy me. Its for this reason that i was ragged on and lambasted about my haterish tendencies this past weekend. I C U haterz!

:-/ ( don't tell but they hurt me yo...i allus figgered despite my tendency to dry wit...that i was indeed a kind person!)

Not only will I tone it down, but i'm going to do the opposite of what i'd normally do in day to day activities. Going against my natural inclinations will be hard, but what can i say? I love challenges.

So that means;

situations where i wanna hate....i'll um..love?
when i want to make fun...i'll concentrate on the positives.
rolling my eyes now means batting eyelashes.
the urge to be sarcastic will be will be cloaked with the mantle of sincerity and earnestness.

just all for the sake of bettering myself you know? self improvement and all that.

Hi, I'm lex the luvr and i'm the opposite of every woman you've ever met.

OY VEY

I woke up this morning and there were four things wrong:

1. It was 5:15
2. It was freezing.
3. There was snow on the ground
4. My left eye looked like it had gone 15 rounds in a title fight.

Not a good way to start the day.


First of all, i didn't need to get up until approximately 6:15. I had awakened a whole hour before needed. I lay there for about 10 minutes trying to coax myself back to sleep, to no avail. Finally I got up and did something i rarely do, make breakfast. I ate my breakfast, drank my tea, and by the time i finished all that, well i was starting to feel sleepy again. Natch.

Going to wash up, i walked past the medicine cabinet mirror and felt like my face looked a little weird. When i leaned in closer for further inspection, i realized that indeed my face did look bizarre and it wasn't my imagination. My left eyelid had swollen to about twice its normal size. I vaguely remember rubbing/scratching my eye last night in my sleep, little did i know how grotesque it would look this morning. Don't know if something bit me, or its a sty - alls i know is that its freaking me out.

I was glad for the sun this morning, it gave me an excuse to wear my sunglasses on the drive and hide the serious wonk i got going on. Of course when i take em off people are gonna be all like;

"gurl please. i didn't even notice."

But, people are liars. Or...perhaps you mean i look like i have down's syndrome all the time? I'm noid i know.

And then, though we didn't get much snow, it was enough to be a nuisance. Not only a nuisance, but i had to make the choice between form or function fashion-wise, and i hate that. Which way did i go? Well all i'll say about that is that i was soooo glad when the car finally warmed up enough to provide heat. :)

Don't think i'm crazy. I wanted to dress warm,but the fates were agin' me. I couldn't find my warm shearling boots, so i had to wear my bummy chuck taylors. Not cute. My feet were freezing as i scraped the car off. The wool turtleneck i wanted to wear had a spot on it, so no go. I mean it was just a complete comedy of errors this morning.

Anyway this morning has me all types of surly and its not even 10 yet. Its gonna be a long day i can tell.

...TILL YA USE ME UP

Ok so i was kvetching to a friend last night about a perceived slight(i know what you're thinking - lex? complain? Never!) and once i finished my relax relate releas(ing), he summed me up in one word:

Nurturer

Actually this is what he said: "You're a nurturer, thats all"

Ignoring the fact that thats all he could respond with after my 5 min harangue - i wanted sympathy, pats on the back and "why yes the world sucks, you're right and everyone else is wrong" but whatever. - i tend to agree with him. I indeed harbor a motherly spirit. Of course when he said that to me, my hackles raised because its all too well known that i'm a hater extraordinaire, from whence could all of this "caring" be coming?

We continued:

"What do you mean 'i'm a nurturer'?"

"Just what i said...you're a nurturer. You like to take care of people, you take interest in their well being, you like pleasing folks."

"You say that like its a bad thing. Is that a bad thing?"

"No. But you have to understand that that's YOUR personality, and not everybody is like you. Most people care to a certain extent, but many are not nurturers."

"Well everybody should be like me."

Him: [sigh]

"I'm joking! gosh."

"I know you're joking...you're always joking."

Me: :[

OK "the everybody should be like me" joke notwithstanding (If everybody was like me then how would i stand out as the spectacular human being that I am?) I guess he had a point. Despite my tough as nails exterior, i'm really a softy and I will go out of my way to make other people comfortable. I'm a sucker for a sob story and those that know me can use this knowledge for evil -sometimes they do. :( If its within my means, i'll put you up, give you money, let you use my car...(well, maybe not the ride) anything to help a down-on-your-luck person out. Of course, I don't wanna be an enabler and if i see that a person is in use mode, then its a wrap. But yeah, given my selfless/nurturing tendencies, i'd like to see a little reciprocity from the folks around me.

[Ok you might want to cue the string section here...and an oboe. A mournful oboe]

Its just... sometimes i feel like im being taken advantage of, and i can't stand it. I feel like folks know that my achilles heel is that behind all the hubris and blustering lies a person with a big heart that can be used and abused(they're wrong, but still.). I go out of my way to make others feel comfortable, should i not expect the same from others?

Anyway, before this entry descends into treacly morass of sentimentality and self pitying i have a question:

Can one be a hater and nurturer at the same time?

RIP PIMP C

this is most unfortunate.

my baby bro put me on to UGK and i've been a fan ever since. I was sad to hear about his passing.

only 33 years old.

too many good tracks to name, but here's their biggest (IMO) record to date:

ENNUI III

i'm so extra sometimes

not that this is new but yeah...

speaking of which my skin care regimen has reached new ridiculoid levels

what can i say? i love unguents and cleansers and packaging

my face is gonna fall off

cuidado!

overcompensating for lack of sleep and vitamins and minerals

i do a lot by myself mostly cause most people are easily bored if its not party party drinky drinky

either you get me or you don't

i've given up trying to assimilate

i used to want to be jaded like my favorite characters but um its not as fun as they made it seem

im nicer than i thought

went to target today and exercised self control

30 instead of 300

small steps or maybe giant ones?

coltrane vs miles

my ex would hang me for this question

my favorite things is one of my favorites to listen to this time of year

im always late with musical movements but yeah is treating your girl like a stripper whats hot in the streets

u should tip her? i wish a nigga would (c) kanye

or am i being too literal

and sorry for the term of endearment

premium denim is a racket but my booty looks so nice

bgk is my body model

i want this outfit i mean its sexy i think id be fly but id never wear it out (copy n paste link)

or would i

my stylist did more than a trim im missing like 3 inches

i need a kiss

MY HULA HOOP QUEST

I WANT A HULA HOOP AND WILL STOP AT NOTHING TO GET IT.

I recall it being so much fun, and being fairly good at it. I vowed that the next time i set foot in a toy store i would purchase one. However, at this point in time, it has proven to be a fruitless pursuit.

Toys R Us...NOPE.
KB Toys...NOPE.

Is hula-hooping out now? Too simple of a toy? It seems ridic that a TOY STORE wouldn't have them.

No biggie...i'll check the big discount store chains. DENIED.

Walmart doesn't have them
Target doesn't have them

I put fam and friends on alert, saying that if they come across a hoop in their travails, they are to buy it on sight, no questions. I will love them forever and possibly put them in my will if they do.

Decided to go to Ebay to see if i could find one and all they had were exercise hoops. Im sorry, but i'm not paying 35 dollars for what is essentially a weighted hula hoop.

Eventually my hula hunt has led me to the manufacturers of said hoop - WHAMO. Whamo does not sell them on their site, but gives links to sites that do. Which led me to this.

With shipping and handling my total will come to about 36 dollars. I'm not to keen on spending almost 40 bucks just so i can wiggle my hips around, but my inability to find one has made my desire for it almost unbearable. I WANT MY HOOP. So...i'm gonna mull this over, and probably wind up buying it. Unless i can convince someone to get it for me as a gift.

Lessee...who owes me a favor...?

THINGS THAT ANNOY ME II

To get yall's weekend off to a good start :)

That piece of lint/dust that sticks to your broom.
You know how it is, you're sweeping up your floors, and as you gather the trash, your broom is gathering a hair ball. When its time to gather all the particles and put them on the dustpan for easy disposal, well you can't because there's a huge mound of dust embedded in the broom. You try to maneuver it out with your foot, and it still won't come out. Finally you have to bend over and pick it out manually, which means you have to touch the trash. NAST. If you say you have no idea what i'm talking about because your house is dust free, you're a liar. And may your house be infested with mites.

Food service people who won't shutup.
I didn't cook last night and didn't feel much like doing the mcdonalds thing so I made a trip to Wawa, and ordered a sandwich. Plus i needed to take money out the ATM. Well the good folx behind the counter would NOT BE QUIET. The WPM for these folks had to be guinness book of records worthy. One kid had a motor mouth supreme, and didn't stop talking the whole time. Do you know what that means? It means all of his spit atoms were just floating over all the lunchmeats, veggies, and sides. Gr0ss. Its not that i expect them to not talk ever(ok it would be nice if they could mime their thoughts) because sometimes they need to get clarification on an order, or perhaps have to ask a coworker to pass the mayo or whatever, but come on. Dude had the nerve to be kinda lispy too. Every time he opened his mouth, i swear i could see the germs falling out of it. The whole thing just seemed...unprofessional. And unsanitary. I mean there are still people walking around with tuberculosis. like its 1832. (i know this because my mom has two patients with it) My sandwich artist(wait...is that wawa or subway?) and his cronies were talking so hard that i had to look away, lest i lose my apetite. If folks must talk, then they need to wear doctor's masks. On the strength.

I ate my sandwich though.

People who don't try to pronounce your name correctly.
In general most people are lazy minded. Including yours truly. But one thing i've never allowed myself to be lazy about is the pronunciation of someones name. Depending on how you say it, it can show the ultimate dishonor or honor for a person. Which is why i can't stand when people look at a name with more than one or two syllables and just go "oh...i'll never get this, i 'll just call you ____ ok?" The blank is usually something their feeble mind can handle. Like ann, or joe. Terrible. I've even had that with my last name, which in my opinion is not hard at all to say. I had a coworker who could not get it wright, and eventually she was like: "you know what i mean".

No, I don't. Enlighten me.

Whats more vexing are people who have had their names butchered so badly that they don't even use them anymore, substituting some lackluster moniker which doesn't have the personality of their given name. This guy i know, he has a typical multisyllabic slavic name, but instead of giving it to me in full, it was "just call me Dan". No Dan. I am fully capable of repeating after you. Say it slowly, i'll repeat it, and we'll be good. Or write it down for me, perhaps i can sound it out. But don't do yourself a disservice by not expecting people to learn how to say your name. Its just gives folks more reason to not give you the courtesy of trying.

Sonic Commercials.
Not the hedgehog, but the fastfood joint. I am a sonic junkie, and unfortunately the only time i get my fix is when i head south of the mason-dixon. And yet, i see commercials for the establisment all of the time. Its like some cruel pavlovian joke. I mean if they're gonna have spots every ten minutes on the tv, then there should be some in the neighborhood. America's drive in. Yeah right. What a joke.

When you loan folks money, but they wanna pay you back...on their terms.
I know i know, neither a borrower or lender be...but dagnabbit its hard to say no. At least for me. But i've learned this, that when you loan money you MUST SET THE TERMS OF THE REPAYMENT. If you don't, well you're subject to whatever the debtor feels is plausible.

Watch out for these offenders:

The quarterback sneak(er): You loan so and so X amount of cash, and they never pay you back. Is it worth making a big deal of it? You figure no, and say forget it, i'll take it as a loss and K.I.M. Well one day, they call you and invite you to lunch. You go, have a nice time, and when the bill comes they insisted on picking up the tab. Once the food is paid for, and you're out of the restaurant they say: "Well, i guess don't owe you that money now. Have a great day!"

Jedi Mind Tricker: This is the person that says, "yeah I owe you 250 dollars, but remember that one time i lent you money for a soda, and gave you a dollar for the bus cuz all you had were big bills? Well i'll just subtract that from the amount i owe you." And oh yeah when i gave you a ride that one time you never gave me gas money so i'll take that off too..." Finally after subtracting numerous nickel and dime amts you've "borrowed" from them, they come to the conclusion that they really only owe you five dollars. However they only hand you four cuz that's all they have on them right now. You stand there, bills in your hand like:

"what the heck just happened here?"

The leaky faucet: This one actually pays you back in cash, but in such tiny amounts that you wonder if its worth it. A dollar here, 50 cents there(some time pennies), a five spot, and on a good day a 20. By the time they finish paying you back, you don't even remember what you loaned them. I think thats what they want.

The invisible man/woman: This probably speaks for itself. These are the people who drop off the face of the earth once a loan is made.

"Girl can you loan me 300 for my rent? I'm kinda short this month....i'll have it for you next week i SWEAR"

So you loan her the money, only to never hear from her again. When you call the cell, t goes straight to voicemail, emails are unanswered. For all intents and purposes, she no longer exists. Like night rider. Only for a less noble cause. And unless you decide to take on the role of a stalker...you'll never hear from him/her again.

YOU CAN DO SIDE BENDS OR SITUPS...

...but please don't lose that ______

Men be making all kinds of requests about what you need/don't need to lose -

"girl them ham hock thighs is why i can never go vegetarian!"
"aight lose some weight but if them hips go we gon fight"
"that roll of fat on your neck is like ambrosia"

- but do they realize how unpossible(yes UNpossible) it is to pick and choose the spots for your adipose tissue?

Cuz believe me if it were that easy i wouldn't be fretting with my figure now.*

Isolating muscle to work out yes. Deciding how your weight will be distributed is a whole nother story.

See, i've been doing the dieting/workout thing steady for about a month now, and i've lost a solid ten pounds which is a big YAY!

unfortunately, i think some of the weight has been pulled from my bust which is a big NAY! :-(

Its not so bad that i need to go down a cup size or anything, and they are still delightfully firm lol, but because i'm my primary feeler upper(ok only feeler upper), i notice any and all differences no matter how slight they may be.

And i noticed that they seemed a bit smaller.

It took me forever and a day to grow these babies, and i don't want them playing shrinky dink with my life just so i can fit into my size 2 skirts once more.

Really wtf is that all about? All this working out and i still have this layer of fat on my stomach that won't go away. Why would my bosom lose mass before my gut? This is so freaking annoying. I can feel the wall of muscle there, and yet the softness on top remains. Not sexy.

I've been told that belly thing is cute, but i really don't think so. Oh how i yearn for the flat stomach of beyonce...or amerie...or halle(pre pregnancy)

On the upside...i can button my shirts with no gaping so that works.

It makes me wonder how these video "vixens" can have such...deliberate proportions. Tig ol bitties, Itty bitty waist, and a big booty. Like how does that happen? And why didn't it happen to me?!?!?


*Don't get it twisted my figure is dope...im just trying to get it dope(r).

MIXED BAG

(c) Richie Havens.

I went on my myspace today for the first time in - what? Over a month?. I had a few notes, and there were a few bulletins but thats about it. I spent like an hour looking at other people's pages though. Myspace has a bog-like quality that can't be denied. The more you navigate and wiggle around, clicking on pictures of friends and friends of friends, the more deeply ensconced you become. Before you know it, you're drowning in its meaningless and muddy embrace. Its best just to stay still and float on the surface. Makes it easier to extricate yourself.

Hm. I think my whole myspace as quicksand metaphor got lost in the sauce but whatever.

Some folks have been trying to get me to do the Facebook thing and really, i don't think that i need that in my life right now. Myspace is addictive enough, facebook would just take me over the top. I mean i might...but i shouldn't.

Not to mention...i keep getting email updates for my friendster acct - which i can honestly say, I opened up - annnd haven't been back to my "page" since that day. In like 04.


In case you were suffering with lack of sleep for not knowing with Xtina's pregnant belly looked like, de-puff your eyes and name yourself rip van winkle as you'll be getting your slumber tonight. Marie Claire's january issue will have Mrs. Dirrrty as their covergirl, and she's graciously allowing us to see her in all of her fecund glory. I guess we're supposed to care.


Snoop Dogg once again proves why he is king with his latest offering; Sensual Seduction. It was filmed in 1979 and just released in 2008. Just kidding. He's a fool and everything, but all i can say is: "Where do i sign up?"

Snoop Dogg - Sensual Seduction Closed Captioned

AS A RULE MAN IS A FOOL...

When its hot he want it cool
When its cool he wants it hot
Always wanting what is not.

What is it called when you suddenly develop a desire for something that you had access to previously but now don't and its driving you crazy?

You know the malady. You throw "X"(x = item of your choice) away, with two hands even, and now that someone else has picked it up, brushed it off and made it shiny...never has it looked more alluring.

But you're so full of misguided pride, that you dare not ask for "X" back...because that would be stupid. And you would look stupid.

So...you go about your business, smiling on the outside but inwardly gnashing your teeth out of sheer frustration. You're not even sure you want it because of it. You just know you want it because you can't have it. And then you're irritated by the sudden reappearing of juvenile tendencies. Didn't you grow out of this?

Eventually you grab sinead o'connor's groundbreaking release and ponder the album title.

Smart woman that Sinead. You then realize that you are being a petty fool, and oh yeah this isn't even your CD, but you've had it so long its kinda yours by virtue of time passage, so its ok. Your conscience is appropriately mollified and you go to bed.

1.By the bye, this entry never was, and never will be about me.
2.Also, even if it was - it is sooo not what you think its about. AT. ALL.
3.Wait I don't even know if its what you think its about.
4.Ok give me a hint...what do you think its about?
5.Not that i'd know if you were right or wrong - because remember - this entry isn't about me.

WHEN CHILDHOOD CRUSHES ATTACK

Ok...I never was sweet on k-ci like that, but a LOT of chicks were(oooooh yeah!), and its heart rending(or rendering for the idiots) whats become of this man. He looks like a braised chicken bone w/dockers. I mean his face is BUSTED. All that mess he got into as a youth(and prolly still does now) has caught up with him and is clearly visible. Along with his vital organs. How much does he weigh? He's not thin anymore...he's like skinny. Crackhead skinny. Someone get this man a nutritional meal immediately. Does ensure come in crack rock sized chewables?

Ooh you feel so sexy so good ungghhhhh(DeVante's intro on Stay)

Once upon a time, i used to dream and wish and hope that DeVante would whisper those words in my ear. Its hard to believe it now, but at one point DeVante had the sex appeal and good looks that being in a boy band required. He has since thrown them all away and it saddens me. He was the hottie in Jodeci.Well him and Dalvin. He made my 14 year old heart swoon. Now he has those sooty lips, and basically looks beat. And used. Is that ash on his hands or leprosy? *sigh* Again, you can't party all the time and it not show up on your face. For someone with a resume of his caliber he should not be looking like he just stepped out of the spice mines of kessel(if you got that reference i love you.)

When I pictured the youngest in charge a little older...somehow i didn't quite picture this. Clearly he's not as hungry as k-ci, or as much of a stoner as DeVante - but his dashing boyish good looks have left him, leaving him almost homely looking. I can't see him in an amorous light anymore. He looks more ward cleaver than crooklyn dodger. And I didn't want to say it, but he looks like he's had one too many potato alligator soufflees.

Its not that i don't expect that people will change with age, but this is all types of wrong. The thing is these dudes aren't even OLD but they look like they've been living the hard life forreal.

WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SATED AND SATIATED?

the word nerd in me wants to know.

According to Bartlebydotcom:

Each takes with, but the meanings are a bit different: sated suggests simply “full, having had enough”; satiated can also imply “too full, having had too much.

Ok so each of these meanings apply to me, I am both full and too full. I had enough and too much. Don't you just love language??

A belch would be appropiate right now, but do to my ladylike virtues, I shall refrain. Wait...isn't a belch a sign of appreciation of a good meal in some cultures? Im thinking Asian or something?

Lets just say it is cuz im gonna pretend i'm in Asia right now...

*belch*

I gather that i'm probably the only loser posting in blog land on such a night, but I couldn't let myself sleep on such a full stomach. So i haphazarded a workout due to my overindulgence and am wide awake now that my exercise is a fait accompli.

So here i am; eructating, coming down from my adrenaline high, and surfing the net.

I am also suffering as the hapless victim of some sort of radioactive mosquito that managed to make it through the first frost. I have two bites already, and i'm bracing myself for more. Oh, what a night!

YOU SEE HOW PICKY I AM ABOUT MY SHOES...(AND THEY ONLY GO ON MY FEET)

Talking to my grandmom(et tu granny?) on the phone and what starts off a a lighthearted conversation turns into a quiz about my love life(or lack thereof).

"When you getting married Alexis?"

[inaudible sigh] "I don't know grandmom...eventually."

"are you in a relationship now?

"um..."

"Well you can't wait forever you know."

"I know."

"What about -"

"No. "

Have you talked to -"

"No."

"What about that nice looking young man with the fancy sports car -"

[laughter] "grandmom! that was 4 years ago and, no."

"I'm not trying to pressure you baby, I just want you to be happy"

"I know grandmom. And I am."

"You are?"

"um Yes...?" Well sheesh grandmom. You got me questioning my own happiness now lol.

And so it goes with well meaning grandparents, earnest family members, and nosey friends. Everybody wants to know:

"whats up with you and - "

Or, "why don't you just - "

My Dad's buddy: "You're too pretty to not be married"

ME: "Thanks?"

( I guess that was a compliment,but i mean what if i was ugly? it'd be understandable? Or that pretty girls *MUST* be attached?)

The thing is, while i am totally content with my current state, I do indeed expect to be married one day, with children even.(the magic 8 ball doesn't lie right?) However, I'm not in any rush to make one man mine. I've always been completely laid back when it came to relationships, and i see no need for change now.

Check back with me at 40. I may get desperate and be willing to sacrifice my pride for a sperm donor.

Now how to tell my grandmom that...

SHE'S A MANEATER...LITERALLY

so i stumble across this "interesting" concept for a movie while traversing these internets:

"The film tells the story of high school student Dawn (Jess Weixler) who works hard at suppressing her budding sexuality by being the local chastity group's most active participant. Her task is made even more difficult by her bad boy stepbrother Brad's (John Hensley) increasingly provocative behavior at home. A stranger to her own body, innocent Dawn discovers she has a toothed vagina when she becomes the object of violence. As she struggles to comprehend her anatomical uniqueness, Dawn experiences both the pitfalls and the power of being a living example of the vagina dentata myth."


Vagina Dentata???

I've never heard of the vagina dentata myth before this, and I wish I hadn't heard of it now. My memory is quite suggestive, and the thought of...you know, teeth down there is making me ill at ease. Creepy.

Not to mention the mental image that the plot synopsis has evoked has caused some kind of life changing brain contusion. I'm so not gonna see this. Being that I am a scaredy cat, and have a fertile imagination, and its best I sit those types of films out. "IT" Still has me shook. And that was like what 89? 90?

I mean i like to be scared...just not horrified/disturbed. This film is leaning more toward the disturbing side methinks. I mean if they actually show it...*shivers*

Anyway, if you decide to go see it, I'd like to know what you thought of it. Its billed as comedic horror, and apparently it was a darling at Sundance.

24 YEARS LATER

...and this album cover STILL weirds me out.

It was part of my dad's extensive record collection, and I would stare at it with equal parts horror and fascination. The dangling ear? The doggy biscuit? The cloud? What did it all mean? What COULD it all mean?

I think the disembodied ear freaked me out the most.

I guess the cover artist was attempting to do a dali-esque type of symbolism. Or something. Whatever his or her aim, it made no sense in my youthful mind. All i knew was that it gave me the creeps. For years i would avoid looking at it...it disturbed me that much. Only album cover that made me feel that way.

Wait lemme stop. There's that pigmeat markham LP.

That freaked me out too. But for different reasons. I'll tell that story another time perhaps.

I'M HAVING....CHEST PAINS(AND OTHER RANDOMNESS)

i think i needz one of deez :(

I think i burned my lower esophagus. I was eating some apple pie tonight, fresh out the oven, got a little too enthusiastic, didn't chew well enough, and swallowed what seemed like a whole slice of HOT APPLE. That mess burned.

No really, it burned.

Like, i sat there for a second, swallowing hard, thinking that if it went down my throat fast enough, instead of sitting there, the dizzying pain would cease. Instead, the apple piece kind of lodged in my throat, putting my gullet on sautee mode. I finally got a cold glass of water, and chugged that down, but too late. The damage was done. Mind you all of this happened in a matter of seconds, but those seconds sure did do some damage. I'm sure if i had slowed down, instead of eating like its my last day on this earth this wouldn't have happened.

Alas, Now I'm sitting here, and everytime i swallow it hurts in my chest. Of course being that kinda-sorta hypochondriac i am, I'm worried that i'm going to have scar tissue develop in my throat, and suffocate in my sleep. I'm going to have to slumber sitting straight up john merrick style.

***

I can't abide lameness. Not lames in the literal sense. I got nothing but love for them/you. And your bum leg. ;-) But lame in the sense, of making ill-conceived, unwise, stupid decisions. The older i get, the less tolerant I am, i find. Not that I haven't had some gross errors in judgement on my own -but sheesh. Its hard to sit by idly and watch someone do something that has the potential to be VERY dumb. And then if you say anything, its always misconstrued. Im all natalie imbruglia'd now - torn, if you don't get the reference -...except im not lying on the floor. I'm naked though.

Seriously...Its very hard to tell an adult that they might be making a rash decision, but sometimes you have to bite the bullet and do the hard thing. I don't know. I always come out looking like ms. negativity, so I'll shut up for now, and see how everything pans out. I just don't want to have to pick up the pieces.

***

I just bought two pairs of $$$ shoes online. I need to log off forreals.

***

The eagles won! twas not a pretty win, but a win nonetheless. The team is at .500 now. If we keep it up we just might be able to make the playoffs. *Cue Christopher Williams*

Speaking of football...HOW did washington LOSE????? I just knew they were going to beat dallas. I was hoping so hard that they would beat them. But no. Booooooo.


and LOL youtube is great:

A COMPELLING ARGUMENT

I know you come a long way, baby
But you don't need that heart of stone, no
You proved that you could do it, do it, baby
You could make it on your own

But you can't keep runnin' away from love
'Cause the first one let you down, no, no, no
And though others try to satisfy you, baby
With me true love can still be found
Love can still be found

(The second time around)
Ooh, the second time is so much better, baby
(The second time around)
And I'll make it better than the first time

You know I really love you
And I paid for my mistakes, yes, I did, girl
The more I try to hide my feelings, baby
This old heart gets in the way
And love won't let me wait

(The second time around)
Girl, with me it's better than the first time
(The second time around)
Let's do it one more time, say it again

Say it again
(The second time around)
All that I've been through
I'll do it again just as long as I'm with you
(The second time around)
Haaaaaa, the second time
Haaaa-uh

I'll make it so good to you, babe
I make it so good to you

Not like the first time
(Not like the first time)
Not like the first time
(Not like the first time)
Not like the first time
Talking 'bout the second time

Not like the first time
(Not like the first time)
Not like the first time
(Not like the first time)
Not like the first time
Talking 'bout the second time

You can't keep runnin' away from love
'Cause the first one let you down
And though others try to satisfy you, baby
With me true love can still be found

(The second time around)
I'm gonna keep you mine the second time, baby
(The second time around)
I'll know what to do
Just as long as I'm with you

(The second time around)
Do it one more time, say it again
The second time around

- Shalamar; Second Time Around

MY FIRST HOUSE PARTY

The year was 1992. I was 14 and had been invited to this house party(yes house party.)

My parents were cool on me going because the parents were going to be there, and there would be appropriate supervision(supervision? my parents were such squares GEEZ)

Daddy-O agrees to drop me off and as we approach the house, i hear the bass heavy thump of music, and my heart leaps into my throat. Can I change my mind? I'm not ready to do this. No, that would be stupid. I begged my parents to go, so i'd better just (wo)man up.

We pull up, i bid my farewells to my dad and walk up the front steps to the house. As i near the front door, i hear the voices of the kids rising up for the basement. Ugh i don't want to do this. There are a million bookstores i'd rather be in right now.

Anyways the father lets me in, and ushers me to the basement. I pass through the kitchen(cuz the kitchen leads to the basement) the smell of curry nearly overpowering me.(they were jamaican.) Walking down the narrow stairs, I enter the basement and see through the dim lighting that, per usual, the guys and girls are posted up against the wall, on opposite sides of the room. I don't really know anyone there so i kind of attach myself to a group of girls that seem amiable, and commenced to joining their buttressing of the basement walls.

There's no real DJ, just a hodgepodge of records and cds and a turntable on one wall, while a random kid doing a bad imitation of kid capri manages the ones and twos.

It kinda of goes on like this for a few minutes until the father of the house comes down the stairs.

"Why aren't you dancing?" He has a booming voice and thick accent(which i won't attempt to phoneticize here)

"Why the boys over there?" He tilts his head towards the gentlemen leaning on the wall.
"You afraid of these beautiful ladies?"

Walking over to the turnables he relieves young capri of his duties.

"I'll get you guys dancing."

He flips through the CD collection till he finds what he's looking for. Inserting the CD into the changer, he selects the track, and turns up the volume with a self satisfied smile.

"Crying moaning just can't wait till morning..."

*blink*

Why oh why did this man pick Mad Cobra's Flex(time to have sex) as the icebreaker song????

"Like a clock ticking on the wall..."

My face gets flush with embarrassment.

First of all WTF?

Second of all, I wouldn't listen to this song with my parents around. I also can't imagine my parent deciding to play it for my friends at a party.

Third of all WTF?

But he isn't my parent, and apparently the theme of the song does not concern him.

I can smell the post traumatic stress disorder coming.

As the beginning strains of the sensuous music kick in he walks over to each wall dragging the boys and girl from their respective spots, pairing them together to dance. He's getting close to where i am and i try to gauge if i have enough time to make a mad dash for the kitchen.(That curry suddenly sounds so good) But alas, there is nowhere to run(nowhere to hide).

Its my turn to get paired up.

Mr. P jerks me together with some random kid. I can't really see his face cuz its so dark, and he kind of fumbles his hands about my waist. We kind of do a slow shuffle step. The bassline comes in and i attempt to get on beat.

Well this is weird. I peer into the darkness, and realize some of the girls have lost their shyness and have begun...um...flexing. My dance partner appeared to be just as clumsy as i, so we don't attempt to do any thing of the sort. We just kind of ambled about in silence, waiting for the agony to be over. I still can't get over why he picked this song.

My dance partner decides to take a chance, and pulls me closer to him.

"what's your name" he yells in a whisper.

"alexis."

"you look nice alexis."

"you can see me?"

(I could/should have said thank you, but my social skills at that point were still in their embryonic stages. Don't hold it against me.)

"Kind of."

"oh."

This is dumb. I don't even like this song, and now i'm being forced to dance to it with a kid whose face i can't even see.

Emboldened by the darkness his hand travels lower, resting on the top of my booty. To the beat, i move his hand back up to my third vertebrae.

We dance in a buffalo stance for the remainder of the song. (Don't...you get fresh with me)

Finally, finally, the song ends and we separate.

The party continues on, fortunately without anymore bizarre choices from the man of the house.

HEY, ITS OK...

Glamour magazine has a self affirmation section called "Hey, Its ok" to soothe the nerves of their highly unstable, simpleminded readers. I enjoy it, it sometimes does drop little gems. And because "imitation is the most sincere form of flattery" I decided to do my own version of "hey, its ok" with my own time tested, tried and tru-isms. Just dropping Knowledge folks.

Hey Its OK...

To look in the mirror and like what you see.
What a novel idea! Modesty is a virtue, and some self deprecation may prevent us from being vain, but oftentimes we get so caught up in what we should change and what should be modified, that we forget to appreciate the beauty that we already possess. (was that a run on sentence? sometimes i get carried away with commas.) Be it mental, physical, spiritual, emotional. Life is so much sweeter when we quit picking ourselves apart. Also, its a whole lot more amusing and, dare i say, gratifying - when we make other people the victims of our emotional knives and forks.

To use your fingers to do simple mathematical calculations.
Yeah, I was in the supermarket the other day, and I used my hands to perform some addition. At first I was embarrassed, but then i was like, FUNK THAT. I use my hands for computation. AND??

To still get nervous when a parent calls your name.
At a family get together, my dad called me from my grandmom's kitchen: "Alexis!" And for a split second, I was 10 years old again, wondering what i did wrong, and what the consequences would be. But then I remembered i was 20something, with a rolling rock in hand. (what?? its what my grandmom drinks!) I said yes immediately, but sauntered into the kitchen as an acknowledgement of my adulthood.

...Okay, i double marched.

To find an evening at home more enjoyable than a night partying.
You don't make a home for yourself just to be out of it all the time. Besides all the money spent on buying up the bar and gaining entry into endless afterparties could be put to some other use. I'm not sure what, but anythings gotta be better than wasting ducats on a strobelite honey.
Nah...give me some krug, a fire in the fireplace, and a game of scrabble. Thats a REAL hootenanny.

To Read Zane*
If thats your pleasure, who am I to knock it? At one time Dickens was considered to be pandering and common.** Perhaps you're on to something.

If you get a little kick out of seeing him/her jealous.
You'll never admit it to him/her, but its a bit of an ego boost.

And the converse...

If you get the teensiest bit jealous of him/her.
We've all been there. Sometimes more than once. You think you're cool hand luke (lucia?) and then, BAM. The green eyed monster(courtney love? ack!) rears its head, and youre suddenly anxious of his/her exes and the chatty bartender. Just keep it to yourself and don't get psycho.

To use paper checks.
No, not a check card. A check. You know...those things that are used to make drafts on your checking account. I was at home depot buying some stuff for my house, and decided to pay with a check. I could have used credit, I could have used a debit card. But I decided to pay with a check. Well home girl looked at my check like i had pulled out drachmas. Its legal and tender ain't it? Hater.

If you've never read the classics.
I mean I have*** - but i've never heard of anyone dying because they haven't. Besides, as compelling as thackeray and shaw are, knowledge of them won't pay your bills. Well, unless you're an english professor.

To dial six numbers and hang up several times before letting the call go through.
Yeah we may talk tough, but at the end of the day we're all humans with nerves. And that first call can be a doosy. Sweaty palms. Flushed Face. Accelerated heartbeat. I know the first time i called out sick to my boss, i was-a-shakin in my boots. Just remember, your boss was once a peon like you, and feigned illness to call in sick to his/her superior. He knows what its like to wake up with a severe case of the druthers. So that means that while he can relate, he won't because he's a hater. Also, he only cares about the bottom line. So before its your bottom thats on the line, make sure your lie is good.

(What?...you thought i was talking about calling a chick/dude?? Wuss. If you're nervous about that just imagine your audience naked.)

To have a bad dream and still want your mommy.
This happened to me last night, and I wanted to call my mom, but ringing her in the middle of the night would have been ridiculous so i refrained. Instead I lay in the bed awake with the light on for about an hour until I felt safe enough to go back to sleep. I suppose thats something that most people never completely outgrow. I kinda like that.


* Actually its never ok. Put the book down now.

** An unverified statement. Made up to make Zane loyalists feel better.

*** I've read more than a little, but not quite a few.

HE MISSED IT?!?!?!

No real post here because I am watching the Indianapolis San Diego game.

I'm a colts fan.

Of course the Eagles come first - but thats a given.

I love the colts because my favorite uncle does(he's been a fan since they were in baltimore) And i was brought up to be a colts fan.

Anyway, they're playing tonight. Adam Vinatieri went for a field goal.

He missed it. 29 yards.

His second of the night.

WTF ADAM.

BOOO. (BTW i LOVE watching football with a man...he gets just as hype as I do.)

:(

Well at least the Eagles won.

...AND SOMETIMES I ANNOY PEOPLE

I like making people talk in their sleep. Like if you fall asleep around me, be careful - cuz i just may start conversating wit yo somnolent behind.

Case in Point:


Me: "Its late...i know you're tired. Why don't you just go to sleep?

Him: "Nah...i'm good. I'm awake"

Me: "You've been yawning non stop for the past ten minutes. Just go to sleep."

Him: "I told you I'm awake. *loud yawn* Besides, yawning *another yawn* doesn't signify that you're tired...you know why we yawn right?"

*Interrupting a possible 20min dissertation on yawning*

Me: [laughing], "I believe you. you're not tired."

Him: "Thank you."

Me: *sticking out tongue* "You're welcome."

We fall into silence...i'm flip through a magazine for a few minutes.

Me: "Oh yeah i remembered what i wanted to tell you..."

Him: "Bill Cosby."

Me: "huh?" What's Bill Cosby?"

Him: *unintelligible mumble* "...it should be two TVs"

LOL this dude is sound asleep. I knew he was sleepy. Why didn't he just admit it?? No matter. I try to coax a convo out of him.

Me: [Stifling laughter], "What about Bill Cosby and the TVs?"

Him: "I want to get a TV"

Me: Cautiously so to not disturb the delicate balance of slumber, "Why do you want to get a TV? What about Bill Cosby?

Him: "I think so"

Me: "Which one?"

He starts stirring and I realize he's waking up, so I try to get one last inane response...

Me: "You're gonna buy the TV when we go to great adventure right?"

Him: "yeah..." He's about to finish his thought(if you can call it that) When he pauses.

Uh oh. The jig is up!

Me: [Innocently], "You were saying...?"

Him: *Slight chuckle* "shutup."

Me: *dies laughing*

Him: "Shutup lex!"

Me: "But its so cuuuuute!"

Him: "I'm going to bed."

Me: "I told you to an hour ago!" *Laughs Harder*

SIX THINGS THAT ANNOY ME

PEOPLE.

There's no human being more overrated than a person. Really. The biggest threat to humanity is humans. Everytime I go out, I see people. I have to work with people. People under the stairs. People in your neighborhood. Everyday people. People Everyday. Barbra Streisand's People. People Magazine. And the worst? A Person with P.O.V. Yes folks, the dreaded disease hailed by an acronym.

Point. Of. View.

We rub shoulders with people with P.O.V everyday. Sometimes we don't know they have a P.O.V, and that ignorance is bliss. At other times however you are able to see that the P.O.V is in its advanced stages. A person with P.O.V isn't content to have the disease and suffer alone. No. They spread their dreaded P.O.V until everyone around them has their own version of the original. It self replicates and before you know it, everyone you come into contact with it has a P.O.V. Is there a cure? Sure. Its called silence. So simple...yet most refuse to practice such self control. It wouldnt be so bad if people weren't so annoying. But...they are.

I may marry a person, but i'm not gonna like it.


POTTED MEATS.

I see you spam eaters. And what I see disgusts me. What exactly is that stuff anyway? With a description like "meat product" its anybody's guess. For all we know its soylent green...and Soylent green is made of bullet casings and Charlton Heston's fatty deposits.


GRAND GESTURES.

We get it. You love her. She puts up with your bad credit, hammer toes, and your dirty apartment. She caters 2 U, and cares for you when you're sick. She pretends to like your mother. Basically she's the one person in 6 billion that can stand you. BIG WOOP. Does it really call for an elaborate proposal with fireworks, the goodyear blimp, and a trained gibbon? "But," you say to me..."she's crying. And she said yes!" WHATEVER. She's crying because you just did more damage to your credit with this charged extravagance(do you know what gibbons cost these days???) And because she was forced to say yes, lest she embarrass you in front of the witnesses to your gaudy spectacle. Take it from me, getting rid of the pit stained undershirt,(i don't care how "clean" it is) putting on clean socks say more than any jumbotron could. Do that, and you'll get a yes from the heart. BELIEVE ME.


DRAFT ANIMALS

These have got to be the some of the ugliest animals on earf. Donkeys? Mules? Percheron? DICK CHENEY? For every pound of strength they got two pounds of ugly. And thats the truth.


MILQUETOASTS

If you don't stand for anything, you'll fall for everything. You know why you'll fall? Because you have no spine. Think of all the invertebrates on the planet. from the amoeba to the snail, they make up over 3/4 of the earths animal species. So if you are wondering if you're a milquetoast...you probably are. And you annoy me.


JOSH HARTNETT

Need I elaborate? I'm not sure what annoys me more, his career...or the fact that he has one at all.