I KNOW THAT IM CARRYIN ON

Nevermind if im showin off
I was just frontin

-Pharrell


I don't talk about relationships much because face it, im not particularly witty, eloquent, or poetic. I'm kind of clumsy with words which means i have foot-in-mouth syndrome and have no business discussing a subject as sensitive and potentially polarizing as human interaction - on a romantic level no less! Yes, me talkin bout our love, or your love, or their love is major tragic kingdom. Like truly, on bull in a china shop status. Never a good look. Plus i don't think yall are ready for all of my neuroses. Shoot. I'm not ready for all of my neuroses. lol Not to mention, my relationships are not that interesting. No...really they aren't.

Now that i finished with the deprecation, lets move on.

So, i was thinking. When i'm all hot and heavy in a love affair my behavior is not....conventional. Not that there are any hard and fast rules as to behavioral patterns within a relationship, because they all differ...but still. There are accepted norms and i fall far outside most of them.

When i like a guy...its like, i don't like him. Not that im rude, mean, or any other typical signs of dislike. Its more, he's not even on my radar. For instance, if we are out together - no one would ever know that i had the slightest feelings for him. Which, admittedly, can provide my beau with much confusion. I don't treat him any different than i would the other fellas. I don't like to play my hand like that. Even if we're together as in an official duo(i hate the term couple lol) you would think "they're together? she acts like she barely knows him." I have had dudes come up to my dude on some "is that you?" because they wanted to make a play and didn't want to wind up stepping on toes.

You don't want to know how many nights i sat up trying to explain my "i love you, but please get out of my face" approach to our relationship. Its not fun soothing egos @ 2 am when you just want to get sleeeep.

...frontin what I'm feeling,

Denzel'in acting like you ain't appealing when you are...

I know. Im totally weird right? (if you are like this too feel free to back me up here. lol) When i was younger it would manifest itself as out and out dislike. I didn't know how to handle myself in the presence of a crush. If it was just a regular dude, i could laugh, play, be my usual jovial -if socially awkward - self. If i liked liked him though? I was cool. Anti social. Reserved. Sarcastic (ok the last two are run-of the-mill for me)The antithesis of girl like guy behavior

One of my girlfriends was like "guys must love you" because i give my men wide berths and i am totally content to not be under him...at least not in public any way. ;) Then again, she was/is the clingy type(we went to a party and when her bf danced with me she had a hissy and got all insecure) so i suspect her "compliment" was more backhanded than anything else.

Still, i wonder if my "abnormal" actions are a little off-putting to guys. Do they want to be fussed over and stuff? Do you want me draping myself all over you when we're in public, marking my territory? Do you want to see me jealous? Give nasty looks to other girls who are appraising you admiringly?

...all nonchalant if front of an audience

My SOs have all been cool with my laid back demeanor, but i oft wonder if they were just going along with it because thats how it was/is.

...you know i want you babe

I mean, i try to be accomodating - if you want to hold my hand in public or put your arm around my waist or heaven forbid - give me a kiss on the lips, we can do that. Just don't make it a habit. lol

My reasoning is this, you are mine, i am yours. In private i make that all too clear. In public, eh. I can take it or leave it. Its not that important to me. I watch my sister with her beau and its like vomit mode. Whenever they are in each other's presence its constant touching, rubbing, lingering glances, private jokes...the whole nine. The fact that there is an audience is immaterial. The whole time im like yucko. Thats so not me.

I suppose if i wanted to get real freudian with this, i could say my actions may stem from my need to be in control in all situations. Not controlling. Just in control.(subtle difference. i think. lol) Control. The reason i sip my likker and obey traffic laws. When you're drunk, you don't have full command of your body...or mouth. And when you're in an accident, you don't have control over anything. Thats not a good place for me. So too with my emotions. Having them all _pladow!_ for community display makes me uncomfortable. Im saying...if you looking at me makes my eyes become limpid pools of desire...i'd rather you not look at me. And i won't look at you. Lets keep that aspect of our relationship soley for us.

I will jone on you in public however. Mercilessly even. lol.

Yet and still my lack of demonstration doesnt presuppose my depth of emotion. I love hard. I get tender. I'm affectionate. I have pet names :-P. Im just very private with mine. Fortunately my mate(s) understand(s) and tend to be like me in that aspect.

I know. I'm a piece of work. But for those that understand(you especially) here's a little somethin somethin: Aya - nobody knows me