DOES IT MATTER?

So I was sitting here this evening going through some of my personal things -separating the wheat from the chaff if you will- and i noticed that a number of my treasured items are from former beaux.

I am a bit of a pack rat. Not in the bordering on psychotic sense (Have you read anything about hoarders? *shudder* Now THEY have issues) because i do, can, and have thrown things away. However anything with the least bit of sentimental value? I find it hard to separate ways. I still have a babysitter's club book that was given to me by fourth grade BFF Nikki Parker. Can't, won't throw that away. High school graduation notices from so many moons ago? Got em.

This is especially true with things from a former BF. After the demise of a relationship, i was never the type to go sell jewelry on ebay, burn up love letters, rip shirts to shreds, break mix CDs or cut up pictures that might have him in them. Nope. I keep all that falderall. The "remove all evidence of them out of your life" approach always seemed a bit dramatic to me. Although I haven't been in THAT many relationships, the ones that i were in lasted years, and to discard all vestiges of them was akin to throwing those years away. Baby with the bathwater if you will. Like leaving great gaping holes in my personal timeline. Yes its sucks that it ended. Yes it hurt like the dickens. But when i was given _____ it meant something. And for that reason alone, it is not refuse.

Of course it could be argued that I have not had a relationship end badly enough and that's why i am able to hold on to trinkets of past lives and loves. If i should ever experience that kind of break up (and here is hoping i never do) i may find myself eating crow and taking items to the community dump.

...Or the incinerator.

But so far so good. Don't get me wrong, i have been heartbroken, dejected, totally lovesick...and everything else synonymous with a breakup (lawd have i), but as of this writing i've been fortunate that its not been so bad that i feel compelled to toss all physical remnants of the former union. Instead, I relegate selected items to a box (or boxes) to be put away for safe keeping. Out of heart, out of sight, but not out of existence.

Maybe i'm a bit of a sadist? A weirdo? Both?

Regardless of my predilection for pain, I didn't think this was a bad thing. Surely i'm not the only one with keepsakes of this sort? I mean, its not like i torment myself with oft repeated memories which would be painful and pointless. I don't sit in front of the memorablia weeping every night. In fact, i often forget it exists, save for times like these, when i'm trimming the fat, and i get some good "ohhh yeah... i remember this!" moments. Or reading an impassioned letter/poem from a former thinking: "Dang...i inspired this?"

Which brings me to tonight. I am going through some things when my phone rings. Its my "fiance" (lol) on the phone. We haven't talked in a minute, so we play catch up. He asks what i am doing, and when i tell that i going through some things an ex gave me, i'm met with a "Oh yeah...you can't be having all that when we're married."

*distortion to static*

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"Exactly what i said. What do you need another man's stuff for?"

I'm laughing. "What the...why would it matter to you?"

"Why shouldn't it?"

I'm not sure how i should i respond. I never gave it a thought as to whether it would matter or not. To me, the stuff is no longer "a present given to me by ___" its just *me*. Perhaps i'm not making much sense, but its like - this is part of my history. Throwing away the tangible evidence of a past relationship it does not change the fact that it happened. The things in the boxes symbolize accumulated experiences -- good and bad, that have a bearing, however small, on the person i am today. It's my existential trousseau.

I attempt to explain this in my typically jumbled way.

"I get what your saying... and it sounds all peachy, but no dude wants their woman still sleeping in an old boyfriends shirt, or to know she's holding on to old love letters. Trust."

"So you speak for all men now? Maybe you're just insecure."

(The best defense is a good offense you know.)

"Man, please. How would you feel if your man had love letters and crap from a former girlfriend(s)?"

Its on the tip of my tongue to give a flippant "I wouldn't care." But i take a second to think. I have always prided myself on not being the jealous type, but there are occasions when the green monster comes out and it surprises even me.

"I don't know." I was hedging. "It would depend."

"On what?"

"On whether she was flyer than i am." (evasive maneuver what!)

I was being silly, as i usually am when faced with situations that i am not comfortable.

"Come on lex, be serious."

"I am!" (I so wasn't.) "So you're saying you don't keep anything from a former girlfriend?"

"I don't."

"You're a lie. What about ____"

"Ok video games are something different."

"But its from a girlfriend right?"

"Come on lex, there's a big difference between a video game and a love letter. BIG difference."

"True."

Suddenly I felt weird. I always thought i wouldn't care (hey everybody has a history right?), but being completely honest -- now i wasn't sure. None of my exes was particularly sentimental, at least not in the way that i am (and i concede that i am EXTRA sentimental sometimes), so i never had to deal with the issue first hand. In theory it shouldn't make a difference, but practically? it just might. True, things are just things, and what really matters is where the heart is... yet still.

Maybe what i thought wouldn't matter actually does, but its my pride that won't let me admit it.

Bah Samba -- Morris