THE PROUST QUESTIONNAIRE

Marcel Proust, after whom this questionnaire was named, was a famous essayist and critic. As a youth he displayed a talent for writing and creating literature. He was was a precocious child, and it was in his teens that he completed this questionnaire. He did not create the questionnaire - it had been used previously as a sort of "parlor game" among society in what might be labeled an "intellectual amusement, wherein the takers true personality would be revealed through his/her answers. Proust's responses were so remarkable in their pith, insight and wit - especially for someone of such a tender age, that it made his name synonymous with the questionnaire.

Well, im not Proust, but I decided would take my hand at answering the questions. I can't promise anything remotely pithy, insightful or even witty. Instead, expect answers equal parts glib, cheeky and flippant - with the occasional thoughtfulness - maybe even solemnity peeking through. It was a fun project, especially since i'm sitting home watching the snowpacalypse go by (thundersnow? really?) and i really have nothing better to do. And if you reside on the mid atlantic seaboard you probably don't either, so I figured i'd share. Maybe you could tell me what it reveals about me. For me, i'm just as clueless as ever. :)



The Proust Questionnaire:

1. What is your idea of perfect happiness? Hm. Peace of mind = perfect happiness. Peace of mind knowing that my loved ones - family and friends - are not just alive, but well. Peace meaning not worrying about bills, health, or any of the other vagaries of life that tend to nickel and dime at my contentment quotient. Peace that allows you to have true wonderful and RESTFUL sleep at night. Of course, that kind of happiness is more idealistic than realistic. So, i'll settle for a cup of tea, the SO, Star Wars and/or Indiana Jones marathon, accompanied by a game of scrabble AND a huge piece of peach cobbler. I'm simple.

2.What is your greatest fear? Tripping and falling in front of a large group of people. Yes there are deeper, more melodramatic psychology-student-friendly fears but yeah. This is up there.
...

Ok.. you wanted something substantial? Mortality. The idea of losing friends and/or family in death. The idea of losing my own life. The idea of getting sick. Of seeing my loved ones sick. One reason i hate to go to the doctor even as i dabble in hypochondria from time to time. Even seeing visiting my sister in the hospital after she had each of my nephews was a CHALLENGE for me. It was a happy occasion but i was still freaked. I don't like things that remind of my own mortality, or that of others.

3. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? Oh my, just one trait? Seriously, I have so many unsavory characteristics of which i'd love to divest myself. But at the top...worrying, second guessing myself to distraction, having easily hurt feelings, and my occasional hypochondria. A quad of easily my most destructive foibles. I became a worrier when i got old(er) and saw how much there was to worry about. I mean really, all you got to do is read a paper. And i've had issues with self-confidence since the womb. :( My easily hurt feelings have lead me down a path of excessive self-effacement, and prevented me from trying things because i *think* something may make me look stupid. My hypochondria is just annoying. Seriously why do i think im so special that every horrible incurable disease is coming to me? lol.

4. What is the trait you most deplore in others? Lack of humility. Or worse, a person who masquerades as humble but in reality is a raging narcissist.

5. Which living person do you most admire? Only one? I gotta break the rules. My mommy and daddy, and my grandparents - on both sides of the family. They have set such fine examples in... everything. Im blessed to have them all in my life.

6. What is your greatest extravagance? Letting myself open up and be truly vulnerable with my SO. I keep my feelings to myself. I prefer to work out things privately. I shy at the thought of displaying my shortcomings, my frailties, my imperfections. Expressing myself, raw and unedited, is a luxury. Sometimes I need coaching. I think this kind of indulgence is so hard for me because it's me asking for acceptance, even as i reveal parts of myself the may elicit rejection. It also implies a level of intimacy and trust. Letting go and being emotionally naked is an extravagance indeed. But i love the feeling when it happens, the security in revealing insecurity.

Oh but as far as material things? I can't say for sure. It's between my clothing, shoes, make up... and electronics. lol. Im working on stepping my personal library up though. As a bibliophile, my collection could and should be much better. (It ain't shabby though)

7. What is your current state of mind? contemplative. distracted. maybe a bit emo. tender, sultry... and a little naughty. ;-)

8. What do you consider the most overrated virtue? After consulting a list of virtues, Im going to go with - ambition. I was never that impressed with "ambitious" people. The notion of ambition has always left me with a *shrug* kind of feeling. Left unchecked this "virtue" does more harm than good, the need to be treated deferentially, to attain power, wealth, glory, some type of notoriety (even in small doses) is more of a disservice to oneself, and often a detriment to others.

9. On what occasion do you lie? Calling out of work when im "sick." Also when i don't want my family to worry. For ex: my grandmom calls and asks how im doing and i say "fine" even though i may have been just crying my eyes out five seconds earlier. I know i'll be ok, so why bother them with my issues?

10. What do you most dislike about your appearance? My lips. My height. My complexion when i havent gotten enough sun.

11. Which living person do you most despise? I can't think of a single person I despise. A lot of people annoy me though. lol.

12. What is the quality you most like in a man? Agreeableness/Easygoing..ness. There's is nothing worse than a curmudgeon-y dude. Just irritable all the time, always on edge... a jerk. YUK. Agreeableness is closely followed by a sense of humor. Easy going and funny is like my favorite combo ever.

13. What is the quality you most like in a woman? Friendliness. An underused asset in feminine community. Especially with regards to other women. There's this horrible trend of women viewing any woman other than their female family members (and sometimes not even they are exempt) as the enemy. There's nothing like meeting a woman and she's kind... gracious, genuine. And not that fake stuff that you see right through.

14. Which words or phrases do you most overuse? I don't know. No, really. I say "I don't know" more than I care to admit.

15. What or who is the greatest love of your life? The love for my family. Lovers come and go, friendships ebb and flow... but the love for my family STAYS. Not to undermine my romantic love - but my family has my heart for now, and forever.

16. When and where were you happiest? When i was notified that i had a rich uncle who recently died, and willed me his multimillion dollar fortune. Ok, that hasn't happened yet, but when it does i'm positive that will be my happiest moment. lol.

17. Which talent would you most like to have? There's a few. I adore carpentry. I'd love to be able to build my own house. I'd like to be a math whiz. I can sing but i wanna SANG. Id like to possess the range of minnie, the bombast of aretha, of the purity and intonation of ella, the improvisation and emotional heft of billie, the sassiness of sarah, and the sensuality of toni. Ok, and the bank account of beyonce.

18. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? I'd be four inches taller.

19. What do you consider your greatest achievement? Dang. Yall getting deep. Um... Is it sad that i can't think of one right now? I guess.. never doing drugs?

20. If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be? Halle Berry. lol.

21. Where would you most like to live? In your heart and mind. Also, in a four bedroom condo on a beach in tahiti.. with all the modern amenities. :)

22. What is your most treasured possession? My sanity.

23. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? Hopelessness. When you lose hope, you have nothing.

24. What is your favorite occupation? Full time humanity critic. I like providing good natured sarcastic commentary on all facets of life. Now if only someone would pay me. :)

25. What is your most marked characteristic? I'm nice. I hate that descriptor, but whatever. I could be labeled worse things. I'm also a a nerd and cornball, and generally nonthreatening. lol.

26. What do you most value in your friends? Generosity, truthfulness, kindness, empathy, humor, the desire to encourage.

27. Who are your favorite writers? Margaret Mitchell. P.G Wodehouse. Raymond Chandler. Carolyn Keene. Agatha Christie. :)

28. Who is your hero of fiction? Scarlett O'hara. SO misunderstood she was. People saw the rough exterior - but she truly was vulnerable, tender in nature. Unfortunately, she was her own worst enemy at times, and had to learn the hard way that sometimes "i'm sorry" doesn't make everything better. That being overly absorbed in your own problems, and letting life be reduced to your own myopic point of view can often cause you to lose out on what you are most trying to obtain. That a good intention is rendered naught if the method used is wrong. But despite her diet of tough lessons, heartbreak and loneliness, she stayed devoted to her family. She learned love and loyalty comes from the place you least expect it, and remained optimistic about the future even after the realization that her epiphany came too late. She never let disappointment immobilize her. After all "tomorrow is another day."

29. Which historical figure do you most identify with? Rochefoucauld? A an observant cynic. He saw life through the same wormwood colored glasses :-)

30. Who are your heroes in real life? My mom and Dad.

31. What are your favorite names? I have a thing for Gaelic names.

32. What is it that you most dislike? Winter. Long lines. Crowds. Beets. Rowdy kids. Disrespectful service workers. Rude people in general. Outsourced customer service. Overcooked steak. People who talk in cliches. That sinking feeling when you pull on your jeans and you say "yeah... i've gained weight" :(

33. What is your greatest regret? That i never told my friend how much i loved him and now he's gone.

34. How would you like to die? La petite mort ;-) Oh... you mean my ultimate demise? lol. In my sleep, painlessly.

35. What is your motto? "Measure twice, cut once."

And because this song had me feeling myself tonight :) -
Toni Braxton - How many ways

AU REVOIR 2010

"Like the sands through an hourglass, so are the days of our lives."

Once again, we've reached that moment when we usher out one year in favor of a new one. It's a brutal ritual if you ask me, but who am I to fight against a millenium(s) old institution? Humanity has a fondness for new shiny things, not the least of which is epoch marking. It holds a singular (if masochistic) thrill. We enjoy counting time, even though its essence escapes us. We look forward to a new day even though that means permanent exile from the previous one. Time flies, and as much as we'd like to catch up with it, we can't. So here we are, on the brink of a new year - just as we were getting used to the old one.

Are you ready? I'm not.

Sure, we had 365 days to prepare, but I'm a very sentimental person, and I hate goodbyes. 2010 was pretty good to me, in fact as far as years go it was actually above average, and finished quite well. I'm not eager to see it go. Yet, i must, despite being unprepared. I'm always at a loss when a new year is nascent. Partially due to the pressure (albeit largely self imposed) to tie up all loose ends as it draws to a close, while simultaneously forging new paths for the one to come, in one seamless motion. As if! Balancing those two ideologies requires an adroitness of spirit, clarity of mind, and a color coded schematic that i don't possess.

And so i approach every new year with a... quixotic pragmatism. On one hand i welcome the notion that a new year brings with it excitement, opportunities, boundless joy and infinite blessings. I hope. I yearn. I lust. I crave. I envision all sorts of delightful promise on the basis of a new revolution around the sun. However, on the other hand... i realize that the new year will most likely be similar to the old one. We bring too much baggage with us - even when we think we don't -to truly be expecting a "tabula rasa" when the clock strikes twelve. The supporting cast members of our lives may change, the scenery may differ, but overall, it's the same storyline featuring the same protagonist. (All the world is a stage you know.)

I call it the MC Escher clause of existence.

Regardless, im still looking forward to the new year. Even with all my baggage in tow. [I'm over 25, i can't fake like i don't have baggage any longer. lol. It's classic Louis Vuitton though. *wink* ] Despite empirical evidence showing that last year's recurring themes - the good, the bad and the meh - are bound to show up in the next, im giddy with anticipation. I'm both a stubborn dreamer and jaded cynic. I am large, I contain multitudes. Ya gotta love me!

So my chickadees, i offer up a toast:

Here's to better mistakes, the freedom to contradict yourself with impunity, artistic triumph, unexpected epiphanies and total confusion. Here's to selflessness that nourishes your spirit, and selfishness that gives you edge.

Here's to idealism that keeps you going, the silence that keeps you sane, the wisdom that keeps you focused and the distractions keep you laughing. Here's to embarrassment. Here's to achievement. Here's to love. Here's to being loved. Here's to finally getting it. Here's to not having a clue. Here's to having the courage to laugh at ourselves, to critique ourselves when necessary, to forgive ourselves regularly, and to try again, always.

Here's to all of you reading this post. Here's to the two minutes you took to read that you won't get back. Don't think i don't appreciate it. Seriously. :)

L'Chaim!

Chicago Transit Authority - Beginnings

LES MISERABLES

I know what it feels like to be electrocuted.

Ok that's a slight [extreme] exaggeration, but my hyperbole is not completely baseless. My loves, I am recovering from one of the worst colds i've had in recent memory. In fact i'd go so far as to say it was nothing as mild as a cold, it was more like a flu. It had all the attributes of the classical cold: runny nose, sore throat, fever... but it certainly had earmarks of a stronger malady. Extreme body aches, chest rattling cough, sallow countenance, listlessness, loss of appetite...

I could go on, but you follow the general idea. It was not a good time, at all. Fortunately, I am on the mend, and not a moment too soon. I never thought it was possible, given my hermit/homebody ways - but I actually was sick of being in the house, sick of bed, sick of feeling... sick. Life was going on all around me, yet my world was reduced to the confines of my bedroom, the bathroom and the kitchen. The suffocating claustrophobia compounded the sickness, adding to it feelings of what i guess could be termed "desperation" and/or "anxiety." It was five days of myopic agony, drunk off of expectorant, and the very moment i awakened feeling slightly less like death, i wanted to jump for joy. Actually i did jump for joy, which was a bad idea, given that my body wasn't quite ready for that level of activity. My legs were as wobbly as a newborn colt.

The surprising thing to me was that this cold (flu) hit so hard despite me being on my game regarding exercise, healthy eating, etc etc. I hadn't had a cold in a while - a few sniffles here and there - otherwise nothing remarkable, so i suppose I subconsciously lulled myself into a false sense of security, thinking i would never get sick because i ate a few bean sprouts with dinner. Joke was on me.

Of course I debated relaying such a mundane episode from my life's tapestry (mixed metaphor much??) but as im attempting glasnost im trying not to discriminate between the banal and substantive. Besides, after spending a number of days indoors being an invalid, i really have nothing else to talk about. So basically this means i'm gonna minutiae yall til it hurts.

But it'll hurt so good. ;)

Of course, no entry would be complete without a list so here are four things that I discovered about myself during my recent illness:

4. I want to be babied when I'm sick.
Looky here, i'm human after all. Check on me, attend to me, ask me how im feeling, cluck about me. Like Luther, It's never too much. I'm simultaneously embarrassed and defiant in making this admission. Embarrassed because it reveals a self centeredness -no matter how mild - that ordinarily i find distasteful and gauche. Yet, im defiant because, well, im normally quite self effacing in my day to day activities that i feel I should be allowed a bit of leeway when im not feeling well. I'm not a malingerer either, i never play for sick when im not. However while i am legitimately battling an ailment I do want to be fussed over. Make much over me, stroke me, caress, me. Unless I want to be left alone. But even then, you know I don't really mean that, so don't go too far. ;)

3. I'm prone to becoming excessively, nauseatingly emo.
I'm fortunate to have never dealt with PMS. Painful deblilitating cramps? Yes. Emotional instability? Nah. It's a good and a bad thing. While my emotions were never held hostage by my body's reproductive cycles, I also didn't have the convenience of blaming a bad mood or attitude on them either. If i'm sullen, sulky or irritable it's because of my generally cantankerous nature, not because my body is doing... girlie things. I say that to say, im not used to having my emotions all over the place because of physical sickness. With this cold/flu I was sad, easily aggravated and just a miserable mess. For instance: my netflix streaming video kept buffering, and it had me so frustrated that i started crying. Yeah, I know. Not gulping sobs, but tears ran nonetheless. The crying led to me becoming even MORE congested, which made me even more sad and woebegone... which led to, you guessed it: more tears. Not my finest moment(s). It had reached the point where boo had to snap me out of it: "Baby... stop trippin!" :(

2. Aside from homemade I prefer the taste of campbell's chicken noodle soup to any of those fancy brands.
I like to think im a foodie (though i love/hate this categorization) and enjoy well thought out foods but in this instance, no. Keep your progresso with the specialty noodles and all the veggies. The simple goodness of the signature campbell's noodle and the just-add-water broth are a delight to my palate.

1. I look good naked.
Ok this is a bit..nihil ad rem, but still. So in the moments of lucidity(that is to say, when i wasn't in a nyquil induced haze), the internet was my constant companion. While surfing I discovered that some new celebrities nudes had "leaked." Sidenote: You have to wonder about celebrities and their dedication to privacy. If you know that as a public figure you are prone to having your electronics hacked wouldn't you make more of an effort to keep all that safe? At the very least, keep the compromising pics off YOUR PHONE.

I digress.

Anyway, the latest victim of "leaked" nudes is Christina Aguilera. Of course I had to take a gander. I'll leave my opinions to myself but i will say that thanks to hackers she is the third celeb ive seen undressed, and the third celeb that had me going "heyyy i am not doing bad AT ALL." Like im not just not doing bad... im doing quite well. And this is without the million dollar beauty payroll. Of course i thoroughly advise against comparing yourself to others, but being that the famous are constantly thrown in our faces as almost a benchmark with which to measure ourselves, it's nice to see that you've not only passed, but aced the test. :)

Swing Out Sister - Breakout

GLASNOST

Yes, i've talked about it before. Namely, here. However, despite my assertions of candid revelations and anecdotal intimacies - my intention to be this open honest no-holds-barred blogger came to naught because... well... simply because I didn't make an effort.

Why didn't i make an effort?

Well, not long after my endeavor commenced, i was attacked. By whom or what, you ask? I hesitate to state for fear of judgment and redress, but I will anyway. I was attacked by one of the strongest forces known to man: laziness. The ultimate demotivator. The warning signs were there, but i was as ineffectual against it as Neville Chamberlain was in preventing World War II (munich agreement fail.). The attack resulted in an all out war, with me losing battle after battle. Yes, i'd submit laziness as the fifth fundamental force (along w/strong nuclear, weak nuclear, gravity and electromagnetism) due to it's ability to neutralize the powers of the most strongwilled (wo)men and make a mockery of even the most noble motivations.

Being that i'm the antithesis of anything related to strength, coupled with the fact that my motivations are not exceptionally noble, you can imagine what it did to me. My effort was stifled by my own lassitude. It's a mental torpor just as much as it is a physical one. Not only have i NOT felt like typing out my thoughts, I haven't even felt like thinking the thoughts that would precede typing. It's pathetic really. Yes, laziness has been quite a formidable foe.

The desire is there, but the flesh is weak.

Inertia notwithstanding, this blog was started as a way to document my general confusion, naivete, fears, insecurity and latent psychoses in a blithe and humorous way - with hopes of experiencing catharsis a side effect. Of course i'd like to document my moments of sanguine intrepidation™ as well, but that's not much of a hurdle. It's easy to appear confident and courageous to the general public. Revealing weakness(es) is the tough part. But chronicling it all -good days, bad days, halfway days - is beneficial.The therapy of prose. I'd like to get back to that.

But here's the catch, to experience catharsis, you have to actually, um, blog.

So with that fact in mind, i am now declaring a renewed dedication to be - if not a prodigious blogger - at the very least, a consistent one. It will be a challenge, for even as i battle torpor, i am searching for my literary voice. In that aspect im a bit schizophrenic. My writing mood/voice/style changes with the weather. One minute i'm sardonic and wry, the next im emo and vulnerable, in other situations im contemplative and detached. Sometimes im a mishmash of all of these, with no particular quality exacting hegemony. I suppose that speaks to my eccentricities as a person, or my normality as human. Whatever the case, it takes much effort to corral these varying tones so that my writing doesnt become a syntactical nightmare. While i don't mind my writing giving the impression that im a... whimsical person, i don't want it to convey "crazy." Ok... maybe a little crazy. ;-)

So here's to being, open, vulnerable, over-analytical, cheeky, shy, gregarious, silly, and, on occasion, profound. :-P Most of all, here's to the resurrection* of this blog. :-)




*alleged