LAY OFF ME I'M STARVING

- the inimitable Chris Farley

So its the time of year again, folks. The time of year when I go on a diet to combat all the damage i'm planning on doing because i'm in cook mode. Not only am i in cook mode, but since i'm a darn good one(cook that is) ...there is a chance that i may over eat. And gain weight. And have all my clothes fit me like sausage casing. One of the unfortunate side effects of being small in stature - any kind of excess poundage can definitely put one into heifer status. And im definitely anti-heifer. Well except for Elsie. She's the best heifer ever. Did you know she was married? I kid you not. Her husband was the bull featured on the bottles of Elmers glue.

*blink*

But yeah an extra 5 lbs that comes from enjoying my signature peach cobbler a little too much is not an option. Prevention is key.

Prevention in the form of:

10 oz of prevention

Yes guyths the tasty goodness ensconced in al-u-min-i-um can. Its filling and delicious too!

And if you believe that i've got a bridge that sell ya. Ever been to San Fran?

I started the slim fast thing this Monday and the truth of it is, i am ravenous. Normally, I wouldnt put myself through this kind of torture, but its not that i just want to prevent weight gain, i want to lose some. Quickly. I don't have the patience to lose weight with hard work and proper nutrition right now, so papa don't preach. Nothing worse than hearing some health nut rambling ad nauseum about the "value" of a well balanced meal. Health nuts. Well...i guess everybody got their something.

There is an event coming up in Nov that im attending - and i want to be at least 10lbs lighter. However right now, as I type, my tumz is making all sorts of awful noises, and i'd love more than anything to go downstairs and raid the fridge. But i won't. I think.

I did really well this past summer, but thats because i walked around half naked. JOKES. But seriously there is a lot more impetus to maintain weight and stay taught and lean - when one is showing more skin. Now that its fall, and i can cover up more, well, i kind of relax and get all soft wit it. Well NOT NO MORE.

I just wish i wasnt so hungry though.

Its funny how people always distract you from your goal by doing subversive things like "eating" and "snacking" as soon as they hear you are on a diet. Its like come on you skank, you werent that hungry before i told you i was trying to drop a few. Now you want to prance around my desk with bags of fritos and tastycakes like some kind of sustenance fairy. I don't want your rations HOE. Hungry people always want an ally. The type that as soon as you come into work in the morning they're asking you "whats for lunch?" Sending around emails and passing around menus. I mean really. Can i finish digesting my breakfast first? But i'll pontificate on that topic another time. Stay tuned.

But yeah, for the time being while im dieting, this blog may be full of vituperative, vehemence and undiluted hate.

Oh wait, thats normal for me.


As you were.


I'm going to retire(to bed) early and dream about fat things.