HAPPINESS IS...

Two kinds of ice cream
Pizza with sausage

Climbing a tree

Happiness is...
five different crayons
catching a firefly

setting him free

- Happiness; You're a good man Charlie Brown

Can it be that it was all so simple then?

So, I was in Chubb's blog earlier reading this entry.

It struck a chord within me.

I haven't been happy in a long time. No wait. Strike that. That's NOT what i mean. I have been happy. There have been moments of utter euphoria that if it was possible to bottle them up i would - just so that i could keep them forever. Take them out, pet them, polish them, make them as new as they day they came into existence.

But.

Even in my most ecstatic moments there is a hint of dolor; my feelings on the daily more of contentment than true happiness. At least happiness as i think it to be.There is always something in the back of my mind - a concern, an issue, - that doesn't allow me to fully enjoy and be. Even in my most blissful moments.

One friday afternoon, when I about 11 years old, my parents surprised me and my brother with Nintendo. Not only Nintendo, but the power pad AND the gun! After months of begging and pleading and accusing our parents of wanting us to be laughing stocks of the community(because everybody else had one. typical ploy of a child) we finally got our wish! My brother and I screamed -well, i screamed, he just smiled really hard. (boys) - when my parents presented us with the bounty. And to top it all off, they uncharacteristically allowed us to sit in front of the TV and play till our heart's content.( i think i got up to level 5 of super mario bros that night.) Their gift was so unexpected, so generous, so fantastic - that we were continually pinching ourselves, in reassurance that it wasn't all a dream. For the remainder of the weekend I walked around with a smile on my face. My spirit one of joy. I was happy.

That's the happiness I'm talking about. That's the happiness I haven't experienced in too long.

Happiness not accompanied by caveats and codicils. Happiness not burdened with worries and fears. Happiness that isn't borne of relief that the worst hasn't happened. Happiness that is only because the alternative is not an option.

Does that kind of happiness -happiness in its purest form - only exist in the psyche of the child? The other day i was walking to the local bodega, and the children from the nearby daycare were out playing. There was so much laughter and squeals of joy that i stopped in my tracks on the way home to watch them for a moment.(no pedo) They were the cutest things! Their giddiness rubbed off on me and i smiled the rest of the way.

Is it silly to think that as an adult I could experience that kind of carefree exuberance once more? When I think about those children playing and my own moments of boundless joy - those experienced as a child and young adult, its makes what I now call happy seem so hollow in comparison.

Part of pilates - and yoga too i assume - is breathing. In general most humans are shallow breathers. These shallow breaths keep us alive, but not in optimal health. Our lungs have a far greater capacity for taking in air than most of us realize. It is the instructors desire to not only get you in shape physically, but to get you to utilize your lungs to the greatest extent. Breathing correctly also gives you the added bonus of being able to perform the exercises better. Funny that learning how to breathe was more difficult than the exercise itself. Breathing, an activity i do all day, everyday, as involuntary as blinking and swallowing - was a challenge. (there's a message in there somewhere i'm sure.)It felt strange, these deep deliberate breaths. but once i had it down, i realized exactly how beneficial it was. My thoughts were clear, i had a greater attention span, i was better able to focus. Immediately i began to wonder how in the world i was functioning before.

And so it is with my happiness quotient. I have a greater capacity to experience than happiness i use. My joie de vivre has suffered from my shallow "breaths." Is it possible to get the magic back?

Eric Tagg - Marzipan